Pack Issues
by FairyTale
Summary: Another take on a possible summer after GoF. Privet Drive's security is breached and Harry has to be moved out. And living with Sirius and Remus sounds like fun were it not for their strange behaviour around each other. Will Harry ever be told what's go
1. Breach of Security

**Pack Issues**

Summary: Response to challenge. (For the exact rules, see Morgan D's Hogwarts Letters site via the link on my profile).

Harry starts living with Sirius and Remus. It's like a dream come true, isn't it? Well it surely would be, if there wasn't the obvious fact that Sirius and Remus are hiding something from the teenager, Harry's desperate struggle to deal with everything that happened during the past months, and the little visit a former friend pays them. What Harry had imagined to become an alleviation from living with the Dursleys proves to be more difficult than everybody involved had expected.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything here except the plot, well, and also the rather plot-less bonding parts.

All Harry Potter characters and settings, though, are the intellectual property of Joanne K. Rowling, Warner Bros. and many others who all aren't connected to me in any way, and I have no permission to use them. No copyright infringement is intended, and no money is being made with this fic, though, and as JKR kills off her characters without seemingly any reason at all, I guess it's okay if I take them out for a break.

Note: This is slash. You have been warned in case you don't like such stories. Though it's a really safe PG-13 with nothing graphic or offending.

To close those awfully long disclaimer page, I just warn you that this story probably covers every single cliché of a "Harry goes living with Sirius and Remus after his fourth year" story, so this is nothing that hasn't been done before. A couple of times. Don't expect me to come up with something completely new here, it's just my take on an already well-covered idea. Though I tried to give it a slightly different twist towards the end. shrugs Read and judge for yourself.

Review and criticism are welcome, you know how it works.

Enjoy!

**Chapter One: Breach of Security**

July was one of the hottest summer months Great Britain had seen in over a decade. The sun was shining mercilessly down from the cloudless sky, rising the temperatures to an unbearable level already long before noon. Meteorologists from all over the country were wondering over the reasons for this unusual weather, but so far none of their theories had supplied a complete explanation.

Not that most of the Britons wanted one, anyway. They were enjoying the summer as good as they could, the children spending all day at the closest lake or public swimming pond while the adults watered their gardens and tanned in the sun. In the evenings, the smell of outdoor-barbeques waved through many neighbourhoods and friends and families sat together on their terraces and balconies until late in the night.

There was nothing that disturbed those many families in enjoying their well-earned summer holidays, and seemingly nothing unusual was going on anywhere in the entire country.

The town of Little Whinging in Surrey on the first view made no exception from all the above.

But if any observer had taken up the effort to have a closer look, they would have realized that indeed not everybody seemed to be enjoying their summer, leisurely bathing in the sun and avoiding any arduous activities if possible. Not everything in Little Whinging was normal, and anybody knowing about the other world that existed in Britain could have guessed that it probably wouldn't stay as peaceful as it appeared now.

Because in No. 4, Privet Drive in Little Whinging lived a wizard teenager called Harry Potter.

Said boy at the moment was sitting on the desk in his small bedroom, on the upper floor of No. 4, Privet Drive, and was chewing on the end of a quill as he desperately searched for the words to fill the empty parchment lying in front of him. It was already late in the evening, but a small lamp on his desk gave Harry just enough light to be able to read his book.

It had been merely three weeks since Harry had returned home from his fourth year at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry, but Harry had decided that he'd better start his homework as soon as possible. It kept him from thinking.

But tonight, this technique didn't seem to work. The parchment in front of him was still empty, even though he had been trying to start his essay for over an hour now. His History of Magic book was opened in front of him, leaning against the empty cage of his snowy white owl, Hedwig, who at the moment was off hunting.

The blank parchment seemed to stare back mockingly at Harry. Binns' holiday assignment this year was nothing too demanding, 'Describe how the events around the Goblin Rebellion of 1772 nearly exposed the wizarding world to the muggles and the effects this exposure would have probably had at that time'. Not too difficult. There was always a Goblin Rebellion in every century, and as long as one could come up with names like Vanorg the Violent and Borg the Bouncer, Binns seemed to be content with the essays. Then why didn't Harry seem able to concentrate on it for an hour or two?

Because his thoughts kept drifting off, that's why.

Absent-mindly, Harry scratched his neck but immediately flinched back as his fingers encountered the stinging sun-burn that had spread there during the past two days.

Despite the burning sun and the stinging heat, the Dursleys had assigned Harry with the task of keeping the gardens, watering the plants, re-painting the garden fence and weeding the flower-beds during the past days. And though physical labour in the sun wasn't the most comfortable thing in this weather, Harry had not complained about it. For one, it kept him away from his aunt, uncle and cousin for most of the day, as they refused to go out into the heat if it could be avoided. But mostly because this too, kept him from thinking.

A lot of things had happened to Harry during his last school year, and each and every one of those events was one he didn't want to think about.

He didn't want to remember the night when his name had come out of the Goblet of Fire, he didn't want to remember his fighting with Ron, but mostly he didn't want to remember what had happened during the night of the Third Task.

The night in which the portkey had taken Harry and Cedric to the old graveyard. The night in which Voldemort had resurrected himself, had come back to his own body and power.

The night Cedric Diggory had died. Just because he had been there. Just because Harry had told him to take the cup together with him.

Because of Harry, Cedric had not lived to see this incredible summer. Would never see any summer again. Damn, Cedric would never see anything again, anything at all! And all just because of him.

Realizing that his hand had begun to shake violently, Harry put down his quill and closed the book. He'd not be able to start the essay tonight anymore, because once more he had not managed to keep from thinking.

With a sigh, Harry changed into his pyjamas, extinguished the lights and sat down on his bed.

It was already bad enough that he couldn't sleep anymore without waking up at least twice each night. Harry saw the events of the Third Task every night in his sleep, and every night he woke up, the words _'Kill the spare'_ echoing in his head. It was bad enough, but he could live with it. He had to live with it, and if Harry was completely honest with himself, he thought he had earned it. After all, had it not been for his decision to take the cup together, Cedric would still be alive to see this summer.

But Harry couldn't allow himself to brood over this during daytime. He had homework to finish and he had chores to do for his aunt and uncle. If he started brooding over his guilt all day long, he'd neglect his chores, and then he'd be in serious trouble. Not that he wouldn't have earned a slap or two, just to remind him that he could still feel the pain while Cedric would never be able to feel anything at all anymore, but Harry had still six more weeks to go in his summer holidays. And if his aunt and uncle finally kicked him out, he'd have nowhere to go. And Albus Dumbledore himself had decided that staying at Privet Drive was the safest. His headmaster surely had meant that it was the safest place for him to stay, but Harry could not keep away the thought that this involuntary exile of his was also safest for the people he cared for. No, Harry had to be able to stay at Privet Drive, so he couldn't allow himself to make his family too angry.

Though Harry doubted that even returning to Hogwarts this year would be like it had been the past three years. With Voldemort back, the wizarding world was no safe haven anymore, and Hogwarts was not excluded from that. After all, death had already stricken there. And when he returned, Harry would be constantly reminded that he had been the one to bring death to Hogwarts grounds.

With a sigh, Harry stretched the muscles in his back, aching from sitting bent over the desk for so long. One look at his alarm clock on the bedside table told him that it was half past one in the morning.

Harry doubted that he'd be able to sleep at all that night.

Silently climbing out of bed again, Harry knelt before his school trunk and pulled out the photo album Hagrid had given him at the end of his first year. Sitting back down on the bed, Harry opened it up and for what had to be the millionth time looked at the pictures of his parents and their friends. Pictures from a better time.

There was the picture of his parents with him, shortly after he had been born. His father was silently waving at the photographer while his mother had his eyes fixed on the child in her arms. Which was also him, Harry reminded himself.

Their wedding picture, with a young, handsome and smiling Sirius standing next to his father. His godfather's blue eyes sparkled, there was no haunted look in them like it was now. They were just blue and alight with a joy of life and happiness for his friends. Before Azkaban had left its everlasting scars upon Sirius.

Harry had found out that if he waited for some time, Sirius would leave the picture for a moment and drag a shy and unwilling Professor Lupin into the picture. His former Defence teacher looked so much younger and healthier on that picture, that much Harry could see even though Professor Lupin quickly vanished again after freeing himself from Sirius' grasp and waving shyly into the camera once. Obviously, he didn't like to be photographed.

Harry didn't know for how long he had been browsing through the photo album, thinking about how much he missed his parents and Sirius, when something made him look up.

He had just returned to staring at the photo of his parents and him, when he heard something.

Looking up, he tried to find the source of this disturbing sound. If whatever it was woke up his relatives, he'd for sure be blamed for it. Harry only hoped that Dobby hadn't decided to visit him again.

But after some long moments of intense listening, Harry realized that it had not been a sound that had disturbed him. Rather, it had been the sudden complete lack of sounds that had alerted his senses. The crickets outside had suddenly fallen silent, and the dog three houses down the street had not let out its occasional bark for quite some time.

Harry frowned, but after some moments more decided that this was maybe unusual, but surely nothing for him to worry about. He put the photo album back in his trunk, closed the lid and lay back on his bed.

Closing his eyes, Harry hoped that he'd at least find an hour or two of sleep that night.

It could have only been a couple of minutes, less than five, before Harry realized that sleep was not his biggest concern that night. A loud sound like an explosion rocked No. 4 Privet Drive from ground to roof. Harry sat bolt upright in his bed within an instant.

He didn't need to go out of his room and see what was happening to know that it had to do with him. Only one thought was on his mind: Voldemort had found him, and now even more people would die because they were connected to him. Harry's scar wasn't hurting, but that didn't mean that Voldemort was not involved in whatever was happening now. And though Harry didn't particularly care much about his family, he nevertheless didn't want any harm to befall them just because he was there. Nobody had earned to fall victim to Voldemort, no matter if Harry liked them or not.

Forgetting about his initial shock, Harry sprang to his feet and once more flung the trunk on the foot-end of his bed open. He didn't need to search long before he had found his wand. Harry might have been hardly more than an average underage wizard with a limited knowledge of spells and hardly enough power to pose a threat to a fully qualified wizard, but Harry would not sit by and watch things fall apart around him. Not again.

Silently, Harry sneaked towards the door to his bedroom and pressed his ear on the wood. From downstairs he could hear sounds, as if people were rummaging around. So whoever had created the noise that had woken him was already in the house, and it would only be a matter of moments before his aunt and uncle would wake and come to investigate themselves.

Carefully, Harry opened the door and peeked around into the corridor. It was still empty, signalling that the intruders were still occupied with whatever it was that they were doing downstairs. The thought that this might be a muggle burglary never crossed Harry's mind. Muggle thieves usually tried to keep silent and didn't blast the front door off its hinges, for one. Because that was the first thing Harry saw as he approached the staircase and looked down. Splints of wood were strewn all around the hall and the remains of the door had been blasted against the opposite wall. When Harry leaned over the railing, he could look into the living room, and what he saw there made his blood freeze in his veins. He could see three or four men in dark cloaks, their hoods covering their heads and their faces covered with white masks were in the room. Death Eaters! And from what Harry guessed, they would not waste much time on the ground floor, not if their intention for coming to Privet Drive really was to get him.

If the Death Eaters came upstairs, they'd not only find him, but also Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia and his cousin Dudley. And Death Eaters were not known to spare innocent lives if they crossed their ways. Harry had to act, and he had to do something quickly.

"He has to be upstairs!"

Yes, Harry had to do something quickly. The only problem was that he had absolutely no idea what he could possibly do to stop them. He knew the stunning and the disarming spell, but those were at least four fully educated wizards down there, even if he could stun or disarm one or two of them the others would have no problem finishing him off. No problem at all.

Harry took some steps back so that he could not immediately be seen and waited for the Death Eaters to come upstairs. He'd try to take out as many of them as he could, maybe for once he'd be lucky. Maybe, just for once.

Not for the first time this evening, Harry wished that Sirius was here. His godfather would know what to do. He'd know how to get rid of those Death Eaters.

But Sirius was not there, so Harry would have to help himself.

The first Death Eater had started the stairs now, Harry could hear the wood creak under the man's weight. Again, Harry wondered why his relatives had not woken up yet. Or maybe they were awake but didn't dare to leave their rooms?

And then everything happened really, really fast.

From what Harry judged, the first Death Eater must have nearly reached the top of the stairs, and he prepared himself to cast his first spell, hoping that the moment of surprise would hold for as long as possible.

Harry raised his wand.

"Stupefy!"

The Death Eater froze for a moment, then he fell back down the stairs and took at least one other Death Eater with him in his fall, from what it sounded like. Harry's mouth fell open. He had not uttered that spell, he had not stunned the Death Eater. But then who?

During the following moments that seemed to stretch endlessly, Harry heard commotion, spells and hexes from downstairs, but still he wasn't able to distinguish the different voices and find out who had come to his rescue.

Just because somebody attacked the Death Eaters, didn't necessarily mean that they were not here to harm Harry as well. One could never be too careful, so Harry stayed hidden even after the shouting had stopped and the fight downstairs was obviously over.

Now it was easier for Harry to hear what the voices were saying.

"…Arabella stunned. Couldn't alert anybody…"

"…no problem, Alastor. I had somebody to inform me about this. Now let's search Harry."

Harry didn't immediately know whom that first voice belonged to, but he'd recognize the second one anywhere. The second voice belonged to none other than his headmaster, Albus Dumbledore.

Harry left his hiding place and carefully stepped on top of the stairs, as if he wanted to make sure that it really was Albus Dumbledore standing in the hall downstairs.

And it was. His headmaster was standing there, watching as two other wizards Harry didn't know or recognized bound up the stunned forms of two Death Eaters who were lying in the hall. Mad Eye Moody, the real one, not the impostor that had taught during Harry's past year at Hogwarts, just left the house through what remained of the front door. Even though Harry knew that this had to be the real Moody, he couldn't help but shiver upon seeing him 'again'.

"Professor?"

Hearing him speak, Dumbledore turned towards the stairs and smiled at Harry.

"Ah, Harry. Just the person we were searching for. Are you alright?"

Harry nodded and carefully descended the stairs.

"Yes, I am. What happened here?"

A stretch of silence followed, just as if Dumbledore was thinking how much he should tell Harry about what had happened.

"Well, it seems that the wards and protection spells around the house were breached."

Harry nodded.

"Voldemort."  
"It surely is no folly to assume that he is behind all this, you're right. He's grown more powerful than we all wanted to imagine, I'm afraid. Harry, where are your relatives?"

As if on cue, the booming voice of Harry's uncle sounded from upstairs. And he didn't seem to be very delighted about what had just happened.

"What on Earth have you done with my house? Boy, is that your doing? What have I been telling you about doing your freak-stuff in my house? If that freak school of yours finally throws you out because of that, don't think that you'll be living here, do you get me? You're enough of a nuisance as it is."  
Harry immediately stiffened when he heard his uncle. Trust Vernon to blame Harry for what had happened here. But Dumbledore put an arm around Harry's shoulder and steered him towards the door.

"Professor? But, where are we going? And what about my uncle?"

Dumbledore smiled, his eyes sparkling behind the half-moon glasses.

"Well, since there are no wards here anymore which could protect you, I'd think you might want to spend the night somewhere safer. Let us return to Hogwarts and leave everything here until tomorrow, don't you think?"

Harry just shook his head.

"But sir, you have heard my uncle. He'll surely not be amused about having me simply disappear now. And my trunk is still upstairs."

Dumbledore only smiled knowingly.

"Oh, I think once Auror Fletcher and the Obliviators have taken care of your relatives, they won't remember anything unusual about this night at all. And I'll have someone get your things in the morning, once everything here is restored to its usual order, so don't worry."

They walked in silence for a moment, until they had nearly reached Magnolia Crescent.

"Professor?"

Dumbledore turned towards his student.

"Yes, Harry?"  
"How did the Death Eaters break the wards?"

Dumbledore sighed and shrugged, a gesture Harry had never seen him do before.

"That Harry, I can't tell. We'll have to check what remains of the magical signature of the wards, maybe then we'll know. But until then, you shouldn't worry yourself about it. There's nothing you can do at the moment. Let's leave for Hogwarts now, don't you think? Just take my hand, I'll apparate us to the gates."

Dumbledore stretched out his left hand and without hesitation Harry took it into his. Just a moment later, within the blink of an eye, Albus Dumbledore and Harry Potter vanished seemingly into thin air.


	2. An Interesting Solution

**Chapter Two: An Interesting Solution**

Two hours later, a cloaked and hooded figure ran through the corridors of Hogwarts, impatiently waiting for the moving staircases to reach the right setting for him to pass. Once or twice the figure seemed to vanish behind a tapestry only to show up again only a moment later behind another one a floor or two higher. The man obviously knew his way around the castle, which worked in his favour, because he wanted to reach the headmaster's office as fast as he could manage.

When he finally reached the stone gargoyle that covered the entrance, he barked the name of a muggle chocolate bar at it, and the gargoyle moved away to reveal the spiral staircase. Though this device was moving on its own accord, the man ran upstairs taking two steps at once until he reached the wooden door. Just as he raised his hand to knock, a voice sounded from the inside.

"Come in, Severus."

Severus Snape, Potions master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, opened the door and literally stormed into the room, his robes and cloak billowing around his ankles. He was panting from his mad chase through the castle, and as much as he tried to speak, he could not manage to utter the words between his breaths.

Snape tried to catch his breath, bent forward and with his hands on his knees. Every student might have laughed to see their otherwise composed and sour Potions professor so completely out of breath. But then again, upon seeing his Death Eater robes, most students would have decided not to laugh about him, anyway.

After some moments, he seemed to have composed himself enough to speak, but he nevertheless allowed Dumbledore to push him into a chair and gladly accepted the glass of water the old man handed him.

"Did you manage it, Albus? I tried to delay them for as long as I could without raising suspicion, and I left as soon as it was possible for me."

Dumbledore nodded.

"And for that I have to thank you, Severus. But to answer your question, yes. We did arrive in time, and Harry is now sleeping soundly in the infirmary. I had Madam Pomfrey give him a sleeping potion, we'll explain it all to him in the morning."

Snape drowned the water in the glass and put it onto the headmaster's desk.

"The muggles?"

"Haven't been seriously harmed. The Ministry is in the neighbourhood at this moment, obliviating the neighbours and Harry's family. In the morning, Harry's aunt and uncle will think that he has gone on a field trip for the rest of the holiday, just in case Voldemort sends somebody to them to find out Harry's whereabouts. But I don't think that's probable."

Snape nodded.

"He can't return there, then."

Dumbledore sighed deeply.

"No Severus, he obviously can't. It would take too much time to replace all the wards, and after they have been breached once we can't be sure they won't be breached again. 

I have decided to locate him somewhere else, without the Ministry knowing where. It would be too dangerous to tell them as long as we don't know whom we are able to trust there and whom not."

"He can't stay at the castle?"

Dumbledore shook his head.

"No, not with only Argus and Sybil as a protection at times. I will be absent for quite some time during the remaining holiday, and so will Minerva. It would be different if I could trust you to be here all the time, but as this isn't possible at the moment, staying at Hogwarts is no alternative for Harry now."

Snape nodded. Of course he was glad that Dumbledore didn't assign him as Potter's baby sitter for the remaining holidays, though he would have done it had Dumbledore asked him. He would have done nearly anything if Albus Dumbledore asked it of him. But he knew that keeping Potter at Hogwarts was impossible with him trying to get back into the inner circle of Voldemort's followers. And he had to agree that Argus Filch and Sybil Trelawney could not provide any protection for Potter at all.

He raised his hand as he saw Dumbledore attempting to speak.

"Don't tell me, Albus. Don't tell me where you will place Potter. I don't want to know, and even if I wanted, it would be too dangerous for everybody involved if I knew it. I'll return to my rooms now. That is, if you don't need me anymore tonight."

Dumbledore smiled and shook his head.

"No, you've done enough already. Good night, Severus."

"Good night Albus."

And with a swish of black robes, Snape left the headmaster's office.

Dumbledore sighed and pulled out a map from a drawer of his desk, staring at it intensely. He had already received word from most of those Sirius had been sent to alert, the last one having been Mundungus Fletcher's letter two days ago. That meant Sirius was on his way to Remus' at the moment. He had left Fletcher's about three days ago, which meant that it would take him another day or maybe two to reach Remus'. Enough time, more than enough time to prepare everything.

It would be safest for Harry, no doubt, but Albus Dumbledore couldn't ignore the uneasy feeling that overcame him when he thought what he was about to ask of the two men. They had been pawns in other peoples' games for far too often already, he only hoped that he wouldn't make matters worse with what he was about to do.

Getting up from his chair, Dumbledore threw a pinch of powder into the fireplace and bent down in front of it.

"Remus? Are you there?"

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Harry woke up slowly. He didn't know where he was, or what had happened to him, he only knew that his head felt as if a mountain troll had used it as an anvil. Repeatedly.

Groggily, he opened one eye. He immediately wished he hadn't. That one moment had been enough for him to realize exactly where he was, he'd recognize the infirmary of Hogwarts everywhere. And for his liking, he already spent way too much time in here during the school year, he didn't need to lie here during the holidays as well.

"Good morning, Harry."

Hearing the somewhat familiar voice which he couldn't place at the moment, Harry turned his head to the left, but all he could see was the blurred figure of somebody sitting in a chair next to his bed. 

"Um, morning. Erm…where are my glasses?"

"Oh, sorry Harry. Here."

The man with the familiar voice handed him his glasses. Harry put them on, looked once more at his visitor and was quite surprised to find himself face to face with a smiling Remus Lupin.

"Professor?"

Remus nodded and smiled again.

"How are you feeling, Harry?"

"As if I had been run over by the Hogwarts Express. What happened? Why am I here and not…"

Suddenly, pieces of what had happened hours ago returned and Harry sat bolt upright in his bed.

"Professor, the Death Eaters! They attacked last night, they…"

Remus shook his head and gently pressed Harry back into his pillow with a hand on Harry's shoulder.

"It's alright, Harry. We know what happened."

Harry looked up, his eyes wide.

"What happened with Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon?"  
"Relax, nobody got hurt. The Death Eaters caused a bit of fracas in the house, but the Ministry had it restored. You remember being taken here, don't you?"

Harry seemed to think hard for a moment, but then he nodded. His eyes nevertheless told that he still had many questions about what had happened.

"But how?"

"How Albus knew there would be an attack?"

Harry nodded.

"As much as I'd like to tell you the details, but all I can tell you is that somebody alerted Professor Dumbledore before it happened. He went and retrieved you himself."

Harry nodded. He remembered Dumbledore showing up in his relatives' house, and now that he thought about it, he also remembered being brought here, and Madam Pomfrey who had given him a sleeping potion. Harry guessed that his drowsiness was the result of that potion.

"There is only one problem about it."

"What?"

Remus sighed.

"Harry, you can't return to Privet Drive. Now that the protective wards have been broken once, Professor Dumbledore thinks it's too dangerous for you to return there."

Again, Harry's eyes widened.

"But where else shall I go? Can't I stay at the Burrow?"  
Remus shook his head.

"Though you'd be surrounded by wizards there and the Burrow as such is protected, it would not be enough. With five children of their own to watch over and with Mr. Weasley spending so much time at work at the moment it would be too big of a risk for everybody involved if you stayed there. They would take you in immediately despite all this, but it's too dangerous for you all."

Harry nodded, though reluctantly. He would have loved to spend some time with his best friend Ron and his family, the only 'real' family Harry had ever encountered, but he could see his former professor's reason. The last thing Harry wanted was to endanger the Weasleys' safety. But where else could he possibly stay?

Remus must have seen the question in Harry's eyes, because once more he smiled down at him.

"Don't worry, Professor Dumbledore and I have talked about it and we think we've found a solution that you might like."

As if seeing the silent question in the teenager's eyes, Remus shook his head with regret.  

"No Harry, you can't stay at Hogwarts either. Professor Dumbledore will be away for quite some time during the holiday. We thought it might be best if you spent the rest of the holiday with me."

"With *you*?"

It came out harsher than Harry had wanted it, and he immediately clamped a hand over his mouth. Remus smiled at him, though this time his smile appeared to be somewhat more forced than before.

"I know it comes as a surprise, after all you hardly know me. But my house is very secluded, there are hardly any other people around, and there are already many protection charms surrounding it. You wouldn't be as safe as under the protection of your blood relatives of course, but you'd have two fully qualified wizards around to protect you."

Harry nodded, then suddenly his head snapped up. What had Lupin just said?

"Two?"

Remus smirked mischievously, and for a short moment Harry saw the young prankster his former professor was supposed to have been once shine through.

"Yes, two. You see, I expect another houseguest in a day or two, a houseguest who could also do with some seclusion and protection. And if I already hide an escaped convict, then I guess offering a place for you as well isn't a problem at all. Besides, I bet you two will get along splendidly."

Harry's eyes widened again, this time shining with delight.

"Sirius is going to stay, too?"

Remus nodded, returning the huge smile that suddenly started to spread across Harry's face.

"As I said, he won't arrive before tomorrow, maybe even the day after that. Until then, you will have to bear with me."

"Professor, I…I didn't want to sound ungrateful, everything just happened so fast and it came somehow as a surprise…"

Remus raised a calming hand.

"It's alright Harry, I understand. Now, Professor Dumbledore is currently setting up some additional wards around the house, so there is enough time for you to eat some breakfast and get dressed before we leave. Alright?"

Harry nodded, then his brow frowned.

"What about my things? They're still at Privet Drive."

"No, they aren't. I went and retrieved them this morning."

Remus' eyes narrowed a little as he continued.

"Tell me Harry, is this just the memory charms muddling up your relatives' minds a little, or are they always so…*so*…"

While Remus still searched for the right words, Harry waved his hand at him.

"No, they're always like this."

Remus nodded, though somewhat startled as it seemed.

"Alright. Your trunk is at the foot of the bed, I'm going to fetch you in half an hour."

"OK."

Remus was already at the door when Harry once more called for him.

"Professor?"

He turned and raised an eyebrow.

"Thanks for letting me stay."

Remus smiled.

"You're welcome Harry. Really."

But as he turned around and left the infirmary behind, Remus couldn't help but wonder how this would turn out. 

He had not lied to Harry when he had told him that his presence was welcome, but somehow he couldn't help but dread to live under one roof together with Sirius while Harry was present. Even more than he had dreaded it before.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

"How are we going to get there?"

Harry's question made Remus look up from Harry's trunk, which he had just shrunk and put into his pocket. Harry's owl Hedwig had not been at Privet Drive during the attack, and either she would find her way to his house on her own, or she would return to Hogwarts and Hagrid would send her. It had the advantage that Harry didn't need to carry around her cage during the travel, there was enough space for Hedwig amongst Remus' own two owls in the attic. 

Currently, Harry and Remus were standing in the entrance hall and checked that they had everything they needed before they returned. Of course, this mainly concerned whether Harry had everything he needed, because Remus had been at the castle for hardly five hours.

As an answer to Harry's question, Remus rummaged around in the pocked of his robe, until his fingers closed around something and he pulled it out. 

Harry's stomach sunk to a location somewhere beyond his knees. His former Professor held out a muggle tennis ball, and this could only mean one thing.

"A Portkey?"

Harry couldn't keep the slight quiver out of his voice. He had hoped never to use one of those again, not after what had happened the last time he had. Not after what had happened to Cedric.

A chill ran through Harry as he remembered his fellow school mate's astonished face when the cup of the Triwizard Tournament had taken them to the old graveyard.

_'Wands out, d'you reckon?'_

_'Yeah.'_

"Harry?"

_'Kill the spare!'_

"Harry!"

_'Kill the spare!'_

"Harry!!"

Hands that were shaking his shoulders brought Harry back to the present, back into the Hogwarts entrance hall. Shaking his head slightly, Harry tried to focus his eyes again and immediately found himself face to face with a worried looking Remus crouching in front of him.

"Harry, are you alright? You suddenly turned all pale and started shaking."

Looking down at his hands, Harry found that they were indeed shaking quite badly, his palms all sweaty. Desperately willing them to stay still, Harry tried to free himself from the effects of his flashback.

"I'm…it's alright. I just don't like portkeys."

Remus stared at him for a moment, then his eyes widened a little as realization dawned.

"Oh, I'm sorry Harry. I didn't think about that."

Harry just shook his head.

"No, it's alright."

Remus obviously didn't really believe him.

"I'm afraid there is no other way to get to my house right now. We'd have to walk quite a distance, with the anti-apparition wards here and around my house, and Professor Dumbledore doesn't think it would be wise to floo there in case somebody keeps track of the floo connections.

Harry waved his hand in a dismissive gesture.

"Really, it's alright. I just spaced out for a moment, nothing to worry about. Can we leave, then?"

Inwardly, Harry wasn't as calm as he pretended to be. Not at all.

'Great Potter, now you've done it. Now Professor Lupin thinks you're either a complete weakling, or already well on your way on the road to insanity.'

Not wanting to dwell on the sore topic of portkeys anymore, Harry stared at his former professor expectantly. Remus nodded after a short moment and held out the tennis ball in his hand. Harry put his own hand on top of it, glad that its solid surface covered up the fact that his hand had started shaking again.

"Ready?"

Harry nodded and ignored the encouraging smile Remus gave him. The older wizard touched the tennis ball with the tip of his wand, then pocketed the wand again. A moment later, Harry felt the dreaded feeling of a tuck somewhere behind his navel and the Hogwarts entrance hall swirled out of focus.

When his vision stopped to blur and finally came into focus again, Harry swayed slightly in search of his balance, until a hand on his arm steadied him. He couldn't help but sigh in relief as he found himself not in Voldemort's clutches this time, but in a cosy looking living room of what had to be Professor Lupin's house.

When the last feeling of dizziness had left his head, Harry took a closer look around. The room wasn't as big as the living room at Privet Drive, but it looked far more inviting. A comfortable looking sofa, though a little worse for wear, stood on the wall opposite of the fireplace, in front of a low coffee table and next to two mismatched armchairs. 

There were wizarding pictures on one wall, most of them showing people Harry didn't know. He guessed that they were some of Lupin's relatives. But in some of the pictures Harry recognized the Hogwarts grounds or the Gryffindor common room and decided to have a closer look at them later that day. Maybe his parents were in some of the pictures.

Two large windows behind the sofa brightened the room with daylight from outside, and the door next to the window seemed to lead into the back garden.

Remus waited patiently until Harry had looked around the room, and when the teenager's eyes finally settled back onto him, he smiled.

"Well, welcome to my house. It isn't big, so I guess I'll give you the tour around and then let you settle in, how about that?"

Harry nodded and followed Remus' lead out of the room. The only other door in the living room led directly into the small kitchen. A wooden table and four wooden chairs stood inside, next to the counter and the stove. The rest of the space was filled with various cupboards and shelves.

"Well, this is the kitchen, easy enough. Feel free to just make yourself something to eat if you get hungry between the meals. You'll find your way around here in no time, it's not that big."

"Thanks, Professor."

Remus gave Harry another smile and then led him out of the room towards the staircase. Before they went upstairs, he opened the door on the wall next to the stairs. 

"This here is my study."

One look inside revealed another room, slightly bigger than the kitchen, but it appeared to be much smaller. The reason lay in the shelves that covered every wall, all stacked to the ceiling with books and parchments. Two or three stacks of books had been taken out and lay on the floor in seemingly no order at all, but Harry supposed that there was some kind of system behind it. The small desk in front of the window was completely covered in parchments.

"I spend a lot of time in here, doing researches for Professor Dumbledore. Some of the books are from the Hogwarts library, by the way don't tell Madam Pince about it or she'll be after my and Albus' hide. If you need something for your homework, you just have to ask. I'm sure some of the books here can be of help for you."

They went upstairs, where Remus gestured for the first door on the right. 

"That's my bedroom. The door far down on the right is just a larger closet, in there are bed sheets, some more blankets and towels.

First door on the left is the bathroom."

Remus opened it and revealed a white-tiled bathroom with just a sink, a toilet and a bathtub in the corner and a small cupboard under the sink.

Closing the door, Remus led Harry to the last door on the floor, the second door to the left.

"Well, this is the spare room. It's not that big, but we'll see what we can make of it."

He opened the door and revealed a small bedroom, though slightly larger than the one Harry had been living in at Privet Drive. The furniture consisted of a bed on one side of the room, a bedside table next to it, a wardrobe on the opposite wall and a small chest of drawers in front of the window.

Remus smiled somewhat apologetically at Harry.

"I've not had any time to prepare the room for your arrival, but I'm sure we can make it bearable."

Harry realized that Remus had taken his silence as a sign of disappointment with his living arrangements, and he quickly gave Remus a smile.

"No, don't worry, it's really all that I need."

Remus shook his head.

"I think you won't be needing that chest of drawers there."

Before Harry realized what Remus was talking about, his former professor had taken out his wand and transfigured the chest of drawers into a desk for Harry.

"You'll need that for your homework, I guess. If there is anything else you need, just tell me. A shelf might come in handy, and we could do something about the wall colours if you like. I have just one request."

Harry turned towards him.

"Which?"

"If you want something done in this room, come to me. Don't ask Sirius once he has arrived."

Harry frowned his brow at this strange request.

"Why not?"

Remus smiled and his eyes slid slightly out of focus, as if he wasn't looking at the room anymore but was replaying some memory in front of his mind's eye.

"Let's just say that your godfather is every decorator's nightmare. At school, James and I had the strong suspicion that he is colour-blind, though we never found any real proof for it. And you don't want to know what he did to the interior of our flat after we left Hogwarts. I thought I'd go blind every time I came into the be…the bathroom."

Remus hoped that Harry had not noticed his near-slip, but the teen's eyes had widened during the last sentence.

"You and Sirius have been living together?"

"We've been sharing a flat, yes. For two years, before…before you were born and your parents went into hiding.

Now, why don't you settle in for a bit. I'll be downstairs in the kitchen and see to lunch if you need anything. Just come down when you're ready."

Quickly pulling Harry's reduced trunk out of his pocket to cover up his sudden change of topic, Remus placed it at the foot end of the bed and returned it to its normal size. Then he quickly left the room before Harry could ask more questions about something Remus didn't want to remember.

When the door had closed behind him, Remus leaned against the wall and sighed. This was harder than he had imagined it to be, and Sirius had not even arrived yet. He should have known that Harry would ask questions about the past at every opportunity that proposed itself, but only now did he realize that he was not ready to answer them. 

Truly, thinking about the past had become a lot easier during the past two years, ever since he had learned the truth about the events that had led to James' and Lily's death. Now that he knew Sirius had had nothing to do with their deaths, remembering his deceased friends didn't hurt as much as it had done for over a decade anymore.

But thinking back to Sirius, to Sirius and himself, was something Remus wasn't willing, nor able, to do yet. He and Sirius had been in regular contact during the past year, sending letters to and fro as often as possible, but there were some things that could not be said in a letter, even if there hadn't been the danger that the letters could fall into the wrong hands and reveal too much. There were still things he and Sirius needed to talk about, and urgently so, but with Harry in the house it would not make things easier. 

And until they had had the chance to talk, Remus would have to watch carefully what he said in Harry's presence.

Running his hands over his face, Remus asked himself how everything had turned from difficult to bloody hard within only a couple of hours.

'Get a grip on yourself, Remus. Brooding and lamenting won't get you anywhere. Do something useful for a change, how about that? The kid looks as if he could do with a good meal for a change.'

Remus sighed again. That nagging inner voice was especially insufferable when it was right. He should really start with preparing lunch.

An hour later, Remus and Harry were sitting on the kitchen table, eating lunch. They had not spoken much since Harry had come down and asked if he could help Remus with anything, and slowly the silence was growing uncomfortable.

Inwardly, Remus was kicking himself. That was Harry sitting in front of him, James' and Lily's son in Merlin's name. He should be able to at least have a small talk with him. During the year he had been teaching at Hogwarts, Remus had more than once had to restrain himself from inviting Harry into his office to get a chance to talk to him. Then, he had had so many questions for the boy, so many things he wanted to talk about, but he had not been able to reveal their common past to him. 

And now that he didn't have to hide his connection to Harry's parents anymore, now that Harry knew who he was and they finally had a chance to have a private conversation, Remus didn't dare to speak. It was ridiculous, really. And pathetic.

Remus was glad when Harry finally broke the silence, but soon became uneasy again once Harry had finished asking his question.

"What's in the basement?"

"What?"

"The basement. There are stairs leading down, and well, I was asking myself what was in the basement."

"Oh. Well, there is a small storage room where I keep the supplies that don't fit into the kitchen cupboards, and also some old stuff I never found the time to bring up into the attic. And…and there is another room for me, where I lock myself in during the transformations."

Harry quickly looked away and blushed a little.

"Oh, sorry. I shouldn't ask that much, Professor."

Remus put down his fork and looked at Harry until the teenager returned the gaze. Once he was sure that Harry was looking at him, Remus answered.

"First of all Harry, you don't need to call me Professor. I'm not your teacher anymore, and though I know that we hardly know each other, I'd be glad if you would call me Remus."

Harry slowly nodded.

"Thanks. It might take some time to get used to it, though."

Remus smiled encouragingly.  
"I know. I don't want you to if it makes you uncomfortable. I know that this whole situation came as quite a shock for you, and you might need some time to get used to it, but I think it would make things easier if we weren't too formal around each other. You're supposed to feel comfortable here for the rest of the holidays, Merlin knows you're entitled to it. And after all, I already knew you only an hour or so after you were born. If you don't call somebody by his first name who changed your diapers when you were a baby, whom else?"

Harry scratched his head.

"I really don't know if that thought makes me more comfortable, Pr…Remus."

But he smiled as he said it, a genuine smile which Remus couldn't help but return.

"You have a point there, Harry. If it puts you more at ease, I don't have any incriminating photos that could be used as blackmail material."

Harry laughed.

"That's a relief."

"Good. On a second note. If you have any questions, you shouldn't be uncomfortable to ask them. The question about the basement just caught me a little off guard, I'm afraid. I'm not that used to talk about my lycanthropy that openly, not after years of keeping it a secret. But if there is anything you want to know, just ask it. I'll try to answer as best as I can."

Harry nodded, but obviously he was still hesitating to ask what seemed to be on his mind. Remus thought that maybe he was a little uncomfortable asking things in a direct conversation, so he quickly took the empty plates and pots and carried them towards the sink.

Harry immediately got up.

"I can help with the cleaning."

Remus turned and looked at him, somewhat confused.

"You're not allowed to, you know that."  
Seeing Harry's puzzled expression, Remus frowned. Then suddenly he realized and couldn't hold back a chuckle.

"Ah, I keep forgetting that you never lived in a completely wizarding household. A pity muggles can never experience the joy of a good cleansing charm."

With that, Remus pointed his wand at the sink and immediately the dishes started to wash themselves. Harry couldn't help but feel a little sheepish. After all, he had been at the Burrow for a couple of times already, and there he had seen Mrs. Weasley use those charms often enough.

"Professor?"

Remus turned around and shot Harry a mock scolding look.

"Erm, Remus I meant. I was asking myself, erm…when is the next full moon?"

Remus realized that he had been right. Harry truly wasn't comfortable asking that question, but he was glad that he had done so nevertheless. Without having to think about it, he answered.

"It's in eight days. By then, Sirius will surely be there, so you don't need to worry. I'll floo over to Hogwarts once a day for my Wolfsbane, and during the night I'll be locked in the basement. And if something should not go as planned, Sirius will be up here."

Harry quickly shook his head.

"I'm not worried. Well, not really. It's just…I don't know, after what it was like the last time…"

Remus frowned a little as he tried to find out what Harry was talking about. What last time? He had not been anywhere near Harry during a full moon night. Well, not except from that one time at the end of Harry's third year.

"Harry, if you're referring to what happened the night after we left the Shrieking Shack with Sirius, you really don't need to worry. That night, I didn't take my potion and was careless enough to go out without realizing what danger I was putting the three of you into. It won't happen again."  
Harry shook his head.

"You're getting me wrong, that's not what I meant. I mean, you told us that the transformations were really painful, and that they were easier when Sirius was with you. I just wanted to say that he doesn't need to baby sit me if you'd rather have him with you. I wouldn't want it to be worse for you just because I am around."  
Remus couldn't hide the smile that spread across his face while Harry was talking. He didn't know where it came from, and Harry himself surely wasn't even aware of it, but his concern was so much like his mother's, it was downright scary. Of course, Lily had never been so shy around him, not around anybody if Remus thought about it, but Harry's mother, too, had always been concerned about his wellbeing at full moon. 

James had kept Remus' lycanthropy a secret from her for as long as possible, because even though Remus had gained a lot more confidence during his time at Hogwarts, he had still been concerned about her reaction. The fact that his dorm mates had accepted him without as much as a second thought about it had not convinced him that anybody else would, too. So Remus had not told anybody else about his lycanthropy. He had been afraid that Lily would despise him, though he should have known her better, and the last thing he had wanted had been to put James into a position where he had to chose between his fiancé and his friend. 

Only when Lily had all but accused James of having an affair because he spent one night a month away without telling her where he went, had Remus finally found the guts to tell her the whole truth, including telling her about James, Sirius and Peter becoming animagi for him.

Ever since then, Lily had been literally fretting over him whenever the full moon approached.

_'Remus, we don't need to go to that party tonight if you'd rather have James over with you.'_

_'Remus, are you sure Sirius and Peter are enough to keep you company next month? James could floo home for that night.'  
'Remus, I don't think the baby will come three weeks early, James will come over tonight and there's no discussion about it.'_

Yes, Harry surely had inherited a lot from his mother. He'd have to tell him, once he was sure it wouldn't upset the teenager.

When the dishes were cleaned, dried and banished back into their respective cupboards with another flick of Remus' wand, Remus and Harry left the kitchen and went into the living room.

Once more, there was a slightly uneasy silence between them. Remus sat down in his favourite armchair, leaving the sofa for Harry.

"Now, what do you want to do today? The garden is good for flying, though you'd have to go alone. I'm not that good company on a broomstick, I prefer keeping my two feet at the ground."

Harry shook his head.

"No, I'm not in the mood for flying on my own. I guess I'll wait until Sirius comes for that. Do you have a chess-set? I definitely need to brush up my skills, just for once I at least want to come close to beating Ron."

Remus smiled and got up to retrieve his slightly battered chess set from the shelf in the corner. While Harry set up the pieces, Remus went into the kitchen to prepare some tea and biscuits. When he came back, the chess board was set and Harry was waiting for him to make the first move. Remus chuckled.

"I might have to warn you, it's been ages since I last played against anybody other than myself. I might not be that useful if you want to improve your skills."

Harry smiled.

"You haven't seen me play, yet. Sometimes I think everything might be an improvement to the way I play now."

In the end it showed that both had been underestimating their skills to some degrees. Remus turned out to be a good strategist and he won the first three games until Harry finally started figuring out his style. Once he had adjusted to it, Harry stood a much better chance and managed to even out the situation.

When they stopped, it was already way past dinner time and slowly getting dark outside. Neither of them had realized how quickly the time had passed.

Deciding that cooking would be too much effort for this late hour, Remus and Harry had some sandwiches for dinner, and after another hour of talking during which Remus carefully avoided any possibly sore topic, Harry bid him goodnight and went upstairs in his room.

It took him some time to adjust to his new room, to the bed he wasn't used to and the sounds that came in through the open window. At Privet Drive, the only sound at night had been caused by the crickets and the occasional dog bark, but here, so close to the forest, a huge scale of different night-birds and other animals filled the warm summer night with their songs and cries. It took Harry some time to get used to it enough to fall asleep, and only when exhaustion finally took over did he close his eyes and sleep in.

It didn't take him long to find himself back where he had spent every night since his return from school: the old graveyard where Voldemort had resurrected himself. It swirled into focus as the portkey transported them there, him and Cedric. Harry knew that he was dreaming, but seeing Cedric Diggory alive and breathing again made it hard for him to cling to that sole rational thought his brain provided him with. It was too real to see him like that again, too good to be true.

_'Wands out, d'you reckon?"_

_'Yeah.'_

Harry knew what was coming next, he knew what was waiting for them. But as desperately as he wanted to stop it, he just couldn't. His legs kept on moving on their own accord, and no warning came across his lips, no matter how desperately Harry struggled to tell Cedric to turn around and run. And then it was too late, the next pictures flashed past Harry in a blur nearly too fast to really take them in. It didn't matter, because he had re-lived it often enough, more often than he had ever wanted.

Wormtail.

Voldemort.

_'Kill the spare!'_

A flash of green light.

Cedric. Dead on the ground, no chance to defend himself.

_'Kill the spare!'_

The command repeated itself over and over in Harry's head, way beyond his ability to fight it. Again and again he heard Voldemort say it, again and again he saw the flashing green light of the curse, again and again he saw Cedric fall to the ground. Saw him die.

_'Kill the spare!'_

He had earned seeing it again and again.

_'Kill the spare!'_

Cedric would never again have any nightmares.

_'Kill the spare!'_

Compared to him, Harry had come off easily.

_'Kill the spare!'_

He was alive, Cedric wasn't. He had earned to be reminded of the life that had been lost because of him. 

"Harry."

Startled when he heard somebody call his name, Harry looked around. There was nobody there, nobody except from Cedric and him. And Cedric was dead.

"Harry, wake up."

Wake up? 

With a loud gasp, Harry sat bolt upright in bed. The room around him was dark, but the waxing moon threw enough light through the window for Harry to realize that he wasn't at Privet Drive. Not knowing where he was, Harry frantically scanned the room with his eyes, searching for any clue that might give away his whereabouts. 

His eyes fell onto a shadow next to his bed. Somebody was standing beside his bed! Not able to suppress an alarmed cry, Harry moved back as far as he could, his hand searching the bedside table for his wand.

"Lumos."

A dim orange glow lightened the room from where the figure was standing next to Harry's bed, and a relieved sigh escaped Harry's lips when he realized that it was only Remus Lupin, standing there in blue pyjama pants and a white t-shirt, an alarmed expression on his face.

Now Harry remembered where he was, he was at Remus' house somewhere in Kent. 

"Sorry Harry, I didn't mean to startle you."

Remus slowly sat down on the edge of Harry's bed, watching him with a concerned expression. Harry rubbed his eyes and tried to drive away the last reminders of his dream, desperately willing his frantic heartbeat and breathing to slow down.

"No, it's alright. I just couldn't remember where I was at first, and I didn't know who it was standing there beside the bed.

I woke you up, didn't I? Sorry, I didn't mean to."

"You don't need to apologize, Harry. I'm a light sleeper, nearly everything wakes me up."

Hesitancy showed in Remus' gaze. He wanted to ask Harry about his dream, but he didn't know if the boy would answer him, would entrust him with the nightmare. Remus was sure that they weren't close enough for that, but he felt that at least he had to try.

"You had a nightmare, didn't you?"

Harry hesitated for a moment, then he nodded. But he quickly smiled and tried to cover the haunted look in his eyes with it. 

"It's been nothing, really. I'm just still a little confused about everything that has happened during the past couple of days, that's all."

Remus nodded, though it was obvious that he didn't completely believe Harry.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Remus' voice was warm and gentle, but as much as Harry told himself that he could trust his father's former friend, he knew that he couldn't talk to him about it. Remus already had enough to worry about, he didn't need to concern himself with the stupid and cowardly problems of guilt Harry was battling against as well. So he shook his head.

"No, it's really not necessary. But thank you. I think I'll just go back to sleep."

Remus nodded and got up from Harry's bed.

"I'm just across the hall if you need me. Good night."

"Good night, Remus."

Remus extinguished the light and left Harry's room, giving him one last glance with which he tried to tell the teenager that it really would be alright if he woke him up and talked it off his chest if the nightmares returned. He only hoped that the message got across, tough he doubted Harry would take upon the offer anyway.

But if Harry thrashed around in his bed again that night, Remus would hear it.


	3. Return of the Godfather

Credits: The phrase about Professor McGonagall and the kittens in this chapter was inspired by one of Theresa's letters on hers and Morgan D.'s Hogwarts Letters site. And I can only tell you again to pay that site a visit if you're one of those who always wanted to know what the HP-characters' private interactions might look like. It's fun to read and extremely well written.

****

**Chapter Three: Return of the Godfather**

But whatever nightmare had been plaguing Harry during his first attempt to sleep that night, it either didn't return or if it did, didn't haunt him strong enough to wake Remus up in the process.

At half past seven in the morning, Remus woke up on his own, seeing the early morning sunlight already filtering through the curtains. The silence in the rest of the house seemed to prove that at least Harry was still asleep.

After lazily snuggling into his pillows for another five minutes, Remus decided that it wasn't half as much fun to spend waking time in bed when there was no other warm body to cuddle up to, and so he got up to head for a shower.

If Dumbledore was right in his calculations, then it was possible that Sirius arrived here today. Standing under the hot spray of water in the bathtub, Remus contemplated what this could possibly mean.

Harry surely would be delighted if his godfather turned up, the sooner the better from all Remus could tell. He didn't begrudge the boy, after all there had truly never been any possibility for them to get beyond that stage of student-teacher relationship they had had during his year at Hogwarts. It didn't matter there that he had been one of his father's best friends, not at all.

It hadn't been a much different starting point with Sirius for Harry, but somehow over the past year those two seemed to have managed to bond closer. Not as close as they would have been had they known each other for all their lives, but probably as close as it was possible, given the circumstances.

Remus sighed as he washed the shampoo from out of his hair.

With Sirius here it would surely become easier for himself to be around Harry, Remus knew that with Sirius' help it would be easier to break the initial ice between him and the teenager, but nevertheless he couldn't help but dread his oldest friend's arrival nearly as much as he looked forward to it. Because there had been a time when Sirius had been more than just an 'old friend' for him.

Sirius had owled him numerous times since they had parted ways that night, after the events in the Shrieking Shack had turned around everything Remus had believed in, had wanted and needed to believe in to protect his sanity, for over a decade.

But letters could not properly do what so urgently needed to be done between them. Talking. Washing all the dirty laundry that had been stocking in their minds and hearts for far too long. They needed to talk about everything that had happened, Remus desperately needed to talk about it. Not only about the events that had led to James' and Lily's death, not only about their suspicions about each other. That needed to be done, no doubt about it, but that wasn't what Remus dreaded.

He and Sirius needed to talk about what had once been between them, they needed to because the way it had ended was not a way Remus could accept for any longer. He had hardly been able to live with it when it had happened, and thirteen years after that, but now, with the possibility of seeing Sirius for longer than an hour filled with other events that needed more urgent attention, Remus didn't intend to let that matter rest for any longer.

He really didn't expect things to change drastically, he only needed to know once and for all if there was still a chance, or even the slight trace of one. 

Right now he'd prefer a straight 'no' over another year of uncertainty anytime, no matter how painful it might be to actually hear his biggest fear spoken out.

When suddenly the hot water ran out and Remus found himself standing under a spray of icy-cold liquid, he involuntarily returned from his thoughts. Hastily grabbing for his wand on the windowsill, he charmed the water hot again and washed the last lingering traces of soap from his skin.

Maybe it was good that the water had drawn him out of his musings, he'd only drive himself mad if he kept on pondering these thoughts. Sirius would come either tonight or tomorrow, and there would be enough time to worry about everything that once was between them when the time came. It wasn't of any use to do this now.

Slipping into a pair of old blue jeans and a grey t-shirt, his liking for muggle clothing was one of the few things that had remained from his time spent with Sirius, Remus cleaned up the bathroom and went downstairs to make some breakfast for Harry and himself.

He didn't really know whether Harry preferred to sleep in during his holidays, but even if he usually didn't, Remus thought it better to let him sleep for as long as he would after all that had happened. Though he was fairly sure that the nightmare last night had had nothing to do with whatever had happened during the night when the Dursleys had been attacked. Harry had not been in any real danger that night, and he had hardly witnessed anything the Death Eaters had done. But the way the boy had moaned and thrashed around in his bed, his brow sweaty and his arms stretched out in a defensive stance, it had appeared as if he'd been dreaming about a more dreadful memory of his. 

Remus pot the kettle on the stove to heat some water for tea. He'd tell Sirius about the nightmare, and in case it returned maybe Harry would open up to his godfather and tell whatever it was that was worrying him off his chest.

Ignoring the slight sting the realization brought that the child who had once been as close to him as if it had been his own godson or nephew didn't trust him enough to tell him about a nightmare, Remus set the table and pulled the breakfast ingredients out of the fridge.

Just as he was about to prepare the scrambled eggs in a bowl, a low scratching sound from the front door made him look up.

Was he already beginning to imagine things?

No, there it was again, followed by a low, but clearly audible whine.

Remus' heart started beating faster, beyond his ability to remain indifferent about it. It could not be, could it?

Letting the fork fall into the bowl without even thinking, Remus wiped his hands on a towel and literally sprinted into the front hall. Before he could rip the door open, Remus forced himself to take a deep breath. Collecting his stance, he put a hand on the doorknob and pulled the wooden obstacle out of his way.

He had not dared to hope for it to happen so soon, but when Remus looked at the front step of his house he couldn't help but smile. In front of him, looking up from blue eyes that betrayed a mind intelligent far beyond the limits of a canine, sat a large black dog. It was looking a little worse for wear, his fur matted and speckled with dirt, but his tail was thumping excitedly up and down on the stone step. The dog gave a small bark.

"Hello Padfoot. Come in."

The dog lifted itself up from the step and walked through the door at Remus' invitation. Remus closed the door, and as soon as he turned around he found himself face to face with Sirius Black, his oldest and last remaining friend.

Sirius didn't look as bad as Remus had expected him to, it was obvious that on his way to alert 'the old crowd' he had found time for a decent meal and a bath from time to time. The robes he wore didn't look new, but they at least weren't as ragged and torn as the ones he had worn when he had first escaped Azkaban. His hair had been cut since then, and though his face (and entire frame, Remus mused) was still too thin to remind of the young, handsome man he had once been, he looked a lot better than a year ago when they had first met again. Sirius smiled warmly back at Remus.

"Hello Remus. How are you?"

'Hello Remus, how are you? Why is he so formal? Why are we so formal around each other, haven't we lost enough time already with not saying what we truly thought and felt? Then again, maybe that is all he truly feels, maybe that is all that has remained.'

He must have drifted off quite obviously, because the next thing he realized was a hand softly touching his arm.

"Are you alright, Remus?"

Remus quickly shook his head in an attempt to re-focus his eyes, then he nodded.

"Yes, yes I am. Just been spacing off for a moment, sorry."

He looked into Sirius' eyes, for the millionth time wondering how any eyes could possibly be so blue. He smiled.

"It's good to see you again, Sirius."

And before he could even think twice about it, Remus made a small step forward and hugged Sirius carefully. The circumstances couldn't have been different from the ones surrounding their careful embrace slightly more than a year ago, but just like back then Sirius didn't return the embrace. Instead, he even stiffened noticeably under Remus' touch.

Remus let go after a short moment and, not daring to look into Sirius' eyes and face the rejection in them, gestured him onwards into the kitchen.

"Let's sit down and have some breakfast, you have to be starving."

Sirius followed and sat down on one of the chairs around the table while Remus put the tea on the table and returned to the abandoned scrambled eggs.

He found that it was way easier to talk to Sirius when he didn't have to look into his eyes.

"You're early. Albus said you were not to be expected before tonight at earliest."

"I was lucky, had the chance to jump onto a truck that drove roughly into your direction without being detected. Saved me half a day at least."

Remus nodded and turned the bacon in the pan, then added the eggs.

"How did it go?"

Remus couldn't see it, but he guessed Sirius must have shrugged then.

"Alright. Dumbledore had warned all of them that his messenger would be someone unexpected, and they believed him that I could be trusted. Arabella even forced me to stay for a day, giving me new robes and trying to feed me up. Only Mundungus was a little more…difficult to convince."

Remus finished the eggs and sighed. He remembered Mundungus Fletcher only too well. Shoot first, then ask questions.

He turned around and rose a questioning eyebrow.

"What did he do?"

"Stun and bind me. But luckily he remembered Dumbledore's announcement and decided to listen to me before he called the Ministry. It tell you, his questioning methods haven't changed in the slightest. Some people should not be trusted with a wand."

Remus put the pan on the table and watched Sirius while he filled his friend's plate, not able to keep the concern out of his voice.

"You're not hurt, are you?"

Sirius waved a dismissive hand.

"I wasn't exactly comfortable until he believed that I was telling the truth, but he didn't do anything illegal. Don't worry. You know old Mundungus, he loves to threaten around and to show off, but he never really causes any harm. Mostly he's been trying to scare me by telling what horrible things he could do to me if I only did as much as breathe too loudly.

Thank you."

Sirius accepted the full plate and for the next ten minutes, no further words were spoken ad he hungrily devoured the food on his plate. Remus ate his own breakfast, though remarkably slower than his friend, and desperately tried to keep himself from staring at Sirius. 

After Sirius had finished the rest of the eggs in the pan, he leaned back in his chair with a sigh and patted his stomach.

"Thank you, Remus. I tell you, living off rats and out of garbage cans is not something I enjoy."

He suddenly looked up, his eyes widened and his cheeks flushed a little.

"I hope Albus wrote you, he told me to stay here for a while and wait for new instructions. I hope this is alright with you, I wouldn't want to impose."

There it was again, the formal tone, as if they hardly knew each other well enough to call each other by their first names.

"Sirius, Albus wrote to me immediately after he sent you off. I assure you, it's fine for you to stay here. I want you to stay here."

Sirius nodded, his eyes evading Remus'.

"Thank you, Remus."

"You're welcome, Sirius."

For a moment, tense silence settled over the kitchen, similar to the way it had been during dinner the previous evening. Both men were lost in their own thoughts about what had been and what would possibly still come. Finally, after long moments, Sirius was the first to break the silence.

"Remus? Do you think I could borrow your owl today? I want to write Harry a letter, tell him that I've arrived safely. The poor kid has been through enough, and knowing Lily's relatives he has so much on his mind already that he doesn't need to worry about me, too."

For the first time since he had arrived here, Sirius' voice lost its hard edge when he talked about Harry, and immediately Remus' thoughts snapped back into present time. Harry. Maybe Harry's presence here was just what Sirius and he needed to overcome this icy stillness that dreaded to settle between them.

But first he needed to tell Sirius what had happened without worrying him even further.

"Erm, Sirius? I think there is something you need to know."

Immediately, the other man raised his head, his eyes wide with barely hidden concern.

"What? Has something happened to Harry?"

So much about not worrying Sirius. Great. Remus immediately raised his hands in a calming gesture.

"No Sirius, I assure you he's fine. But he no longer is staying with his relatives."

An ebony eyebrow raised in silent question, and so Remus started to tell.

"The day before yesterday, a bunch of Death Eaters breached the wards around Privet Drive."

Seeing the panic rise again into Sirius' eyes, the haunted look returning to his face, Remus smiled warmly.

"It's okay Sirius. Well, as okay as it can get, given the circumstances. The Death Eaters caused a little row in the street Harry lives in, and they even got into his relatives' house, but Albus had been warned in time. He went and retrieved Harry himself, and later the Ministry has cleaned up everything and arrested the four Death Eaters who tried. Nobody has been harmed or hurt, and all the muggles' memories have been altered. Harry's relatives think he's on a field trip for the rest of the holiday, because Albus didn't want Harry to return there after the wards have been breached once."

Sirius nodded, relief written plainly across his face.

"So he's staying with the Weasleys?"

Remus shook his head.

"No, and neither at Hogwarts. Albus thought that the Weasleys are already in enough danger as it is, and he didn't want to risk it to have one of them hurt on Harry's behalf. As wouldn't Harry. And as Albus and the other teachers except from Sibyl and Filch won't be staying at Hogwarts for the greatest part of the summer, this wasn't an alternative either."

Again, Sirius nodded, but this time his expression quickly changed into one of confusion.

"But then, where *is* Harry now?"

Remus smiled.  
"Somewhere where he has two fully educated wizards to take care of him for the rest of the holiday."

Remus' smile grew into a smirk, but it soon vanished as he realized that Sirius had not figured out the clue. On the contrary, he seemed even more confused, and he was slowly growing exasperated. Patience had never been one of Sirius Black's virtues.

"Where, Remus?"

Remus sighed.

"Harry is upstairs, still sleeping soundly in the spare room."

Sirius' jaw dropped.

"He's…he's…Harry is here?"  
Remus nodded, the smile back on his face. Sirius' expression was priceless. Whatever he had been expecting, it had not been this.

"Yes, he's here Sirius. And he'll stay here for the rest of the holiday, which is what I assume you will do as well, given the case nothing grave interferes."

Sirius nodded, still too stunned to use his vocal chords. Glancing at the clock on the wall behind Sirius, Remus realized that it was already way past nine in the morning. Harry must have been really tired if he slept so long, after all he had not gone to bed really late last night.

"Speaking of which, he should be up soon. Or so I guess."

Sirius nodded, his composure slowly returning. And with it, as it seemed, all paternal instincts he ever had.

"Remus, how is he doing?"

Remus shrugged and for some long moments looked at his friend.

"I don't really know, Sirius. I only brought him here yesterday morning, and he seemed to be quite fine. He spaced out when I told him that we'd go here by portkey and it took me some moments to understand why."

Sirius nodded.

"Else, well we didn't really do that much yesterday. I showed him the house, we had lunch and then we played chess for the entire afternoon. He was quite shy and reluctant to talk or ask questions around me at first, and I guess it'll take some time till he gets used to it. Last night I woke up when he was thrashing around in his bed. He was having a nightmare, but he didn't tell me what it was. I had thought he'd rather talk to you about it in case it returned."

Sirius nodded again, a small smile playing around his lips. It seemed as if the thought about spending six weeks together with his godson was finally trickling through.

Remus' heart contracted painfully in his chest as he saw the first true and genuine smile pass Sirius' features. The first true smile Remus had seen from him in so many years. It made Sirius look so much younger, took so many signs of hardship and pain from his face, which had aged way before its time.

Remus wished he could see Sirius smile like that again everyday, like he had grown used to seeing him during the long years of their friendship.

Sirius smiling while thinking up another scheme or prank, his eyes sparkling mischievously. 

Sirius smiling up at Professor McGonagall with all the charm a fifteen year old could muster, desperately trying to lessen their punishment for getting caught in the act. More than once one of his innocent million-candle-smiles had saved Gryffindor a lot of points.

Sirius smiling at James and Lily, who had fallen asleep on the sofa in front of the fireplace in Gryffindor common room, his arms around her waist and her face buried in his shirt. Then, his eyes had been shining with happiness for his best friend, happiness that James had found his perfect match.

Sirius smiling down at Harry when he had held him for the very first time, in the delivery room shortly after Harry had been born. There had been tears in his eyes then, no matter how hard he had tried to hide them, while he had silently pledged love and the promise of protection to his newborn godson.

Most painful were the images of the uncountable times Sirius had smiled at him. 

Fond smiles of friendship during their first years at Hogwarts, never bearing any trace of the fear or rejection Remus had so dreaded to see in them. 

Smiles with another quality in them, with an interest he had not been able to pinpoint at that time during their fifth year. 

Remus closed his eyes as the memories started to resurface, allowing the images to pass in front of his inner eye because he knew there was no way to stop them. 

Sirius' face as the first thing he saw upon waking up after another transformation, smiling gently but his eyes full of concern. 

Sirius in their dorm room, staring off into space, a dreamy expression on his face and a Mona Lisa smile on his lips. 

Sirius' flushed face after their first kiss, smiling shyly, his eyes showing the whirlwind of emotions that was running through him at that time. 

Sirius, his eyes red from crying and tear tracks still on his face, disbelief and hope in his eyes and smile when they had had their first long talk after he had sent Snape into the Shrieking Shack, after nearly four months during which Remus had tried his best to completely ignore Sirius' existence.

The smile on the sleeping Sirius' face after their first night together, when Remus had watched him for a long time in the morning after waking up in his arms.

Many more images came to his mind, some thought long forgotten. Remus had not known how much a simple smile from Sirius could imply, never had he guessed that it would one day mean so much to him. Sirius had always been smiling, he had always been cheerful. That was what hurt most now, Remus thought. Sirius was a different person now. Whatever he had been through in the past years, and Remus didn't know whether he'd ever be able to completely understand it, if it had been enough to take the smiles from Sirius it must have been horrible. Beyond horrible. And if that already hurt Remus that much, he didn't want to know what it must be doing to Sirius. No wonder he felt uncomfortable around Remus. Sirius surely had learned more than his fair share of how painful memories could be if they resurfaced in the wrong moment or manner.

"Remus? Remus? Earth to Moony! Moony, what's wrong?"

Remus opened his eyes and saw Sirius standing in front of him, a worried frown on his face and his hand on Remus' right shoulder. As soon as he saw Remus coming back into the here and now, he quickly pulled his hand away again as if he had burnt it.

"You okay, Remus?"

"Yes, yes I am. Sorry Sirius, I guess I drifted off."

Sirius nodded, albeit slowly.

"You seem to do that a lot, lately."

"No, it's just…I don't know really. A lot has happened during the past days, it's just too much to take in."

Those blue eyes bore into him as if they were trying to probe the barriers around Remus and find out what he truly thought. But Remus would have none of that.

"Why don't you go upstairs into the bath and make yourself a little more presentable for Harry? I'll look if I can find something to wear for you."

Sirius nodded and turned towards the door, but then he turned around again and gave Remus a somewhat sheepish grin.

"First door to the left, upstairs. There should be enough towels in there, and toothbrushes are in the cupboard under the sink."

"Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me, Sirius. You're welcome."

He meant the last part just as much as a 'welcome home', but didn't dare to speak it out aloud. Not here, not now.

Half an hour later, they were back downstairs, sitting in the living room for a cup of tea. Sirius' hair was still damp from the bath,  but at least it was untangled and completely clean now. He wore a plain white t-shirt and a pair of blue jeans that belonged to Remus. Before his time in Azkaban, it would have been unlikely for Sirius to ever fit into a pair of Remus' trousers, but years of malnutrition had done that to him. Remus had only needed to slightly lengthen the trouser legs because however thin, Sirius was still taller than Remus by nearly half a head.

Remus was slowly starting to think that he would have to get used to uncomfortable silence around, because Sirius had not said more than five words on his own since he had come back down, and had replied monosyllabically when Remus had asked him something.

Light was showing at the end of the tunnel when sounds from upstairs indicated that Harry had finally woken up. The shower was running, and ten minutes later the bathroom door shut close, followed by the door to Harry's room and after a slight pause there were footsteps on the stairs. 

Remus smiled at Sirius.

"Seems like someone has finally decided to return to the land of the living."

With that, he got up from his armchair and made his way back into the kitchen. Harry stepped in a few seconds later, his hair in its usual unruly state. He stifled a yawn behind the back of his hand which earned him a smirk from Remus' direction.

"Good morning, Remus."

"Good morning, Harry. Good to see you finally awake."

The teenager blushed slightly.

"I'm sorry, usually I don't sleep that long. I don't know what has gotten into me."

"It's perfectly okay for you to sleep in, Harry. It's your holiday, after all. And there is nothing that really needs your attention that early in the morning. Breakfast?"

Not waiting for Harry's answer, Remus put some more bacon and eggs into the pan on the stove, this time cooking it quickly with a wave of his wand. He put the breakfast down in front of Harry who nodded his thanks and began to eat. He had not realized that Sirius had entered the room and was now leaning in the doorframe behind him, taking in the scene before him with obvious amusement.

"Now Harry", Remus began, settling himself on the opposite side of the table so that he could see both of them clearly, "what are your plans for today?"

Harry shrugged between two bites of scrambled eggs.

"Haven't got any, actually. I guess I'll write to Ron and Hermione, and then maybe start with my homework. There's an essay for Professor Binns about which I still haven't got any clue at all."  
Remus stifled a chuckle.

"Let me guess – a goblin rebellion."

Harry laughed.

"Exactly. But don't ask me when it was, or what they were rebelling against. I just can't keep all those rebellions apart, let alone their leaders."

Remus nodded.

"Urgh the Ugly and Simon the Smurf. Those were two with which your father always got through. Believe me, Binns was not an ounce better while he was still alive."

"Yeah, I just hope we'll have him during the first period again next year. It's always two hours of additional sleep, though Hermione has kittens every time Ron and I don't pay attention. I swear, that girl is bound to become the next McGonagall in the future."

Remus snorted, nearly choking on his tea. Harry frowned in confusion.

"What? What did I say?"

Remus shook his head and waved his hand while he waited for the coughing to subside.

"Nothing. It's just that I can actually imagine that. But don't tell Hermione."

"Remus, I might only be fourteen years old, but I'm not that stupid, you know? Knowing my luck, McGonagall would stand behind me while I said that and then she'd be the one to have kittens."

Now Remus couldn't hold on his composure anymore, the old image of his former colleague metaphorically having kittens mixed with images of her animagus form in his mind and he burst out laughing. Harry looked startled for a moment, but then sound form behind him made him turn around. He found himself face to face with his godfather, leaning in the doorframe and laughing along with Remus as if there was no tomorrow.

"Sirius!"

Harry leapt to his feet, nearly taking his plate of breakfast with him in the process and, not really thinking twice about it, flung himself at the older man.

Sirius was startled for a moment, but then happily hugged back. 

"Hiya kiddo. How are you?"

"M'fine."

The reply was slightly muffled through the fabric of Sirius' shirt. The fact that the teenager who had ever before been somewhat reluctant to offer or receive physical affection clung to Sirius as if he was his lifeline, his fists gripping Sirius' shirt so tightly that his knuckles turned white told clearly that Harry was not as fine as he claimed to be, but Sirius decided to let the matter rest for now. As Harry made no movement to let go of his godfather, Sirius kept his arms in place and rubbed slow circles around Harry's back. 

Remus watched the scene with a smile on his face, only slightly pained by the realization that Sirius didn't seem to mind hugging Harry as much as he did hugging him. But then again, they and their former relationship were a completely different matter.

After a minute or so, Sirius gently drew back from the embrace and held Harry at arm's length, looking him over as if in search for any signs of injuries, though he should know that there were none. He gently brushed some stray strands of black hair from Harry's forehead.

"Sure you're fine? Remus told me what happened."

Harry looked down at his feet, his smile vanishing from his face. He shrugged his shoulders.

"A lot has happened, that's all."

Sirius nodded, though it was obvious that he didn't completely believe him. Putting his hands on Harry's shoulders, he steered him back to his recently vacated chair.

"Go on an finish your breakfast, then we think about those plans you have for today. I'd say they need a little re-working, don't you agree?"

Harry allowed his godfather to steer him back into his chair on the kitchen table and hungrily devoured the rest of his scrambled eggs, not leaving Sirius out of sight. He realized that he was really glad for Sirius' presence. Not that he didn't like Remus, that definitely was not the case, but he just wasn't as comfortable around his former teacher than he was around Sirius. It was stupid really, but Harry just couldn't help it. Sirius was as close to a parental figure as he'd ever come, and it felt good to finally have him around for a longer time.

When he had finished and put his plate into the sink for Remus to clean, Sirius gestured to follow him into the living room.

"Now", he began, "I guess you haven't been on a broom for quite some time, right kiddo?"

Harry nodded and couldn't hide the grin that started to spread across his face. He had an idea as to where this conversation was leading. 

"Actually, it's been something around nine months ago. And then I was flying around a dragon, so that's also not what I'd call 'normal' flying."

Sirius grinned.

"Ah, yes. The dragon. I did tell you how proud I am of how you handled that, didn't I?"

Harry smiled shyly, but as soon as he started thinking back to the first task, it didn't take long until everything that had happened during the third task came back to his mind. His smile immediately vanished. Telling Cedric to take the cup with him certainly was nothing Sirius was proud of him doing. And Cedric would never be told that somebody was proud of him. Never again.

"Harry?"

Upon hearing his name, Harry blinked and quickly focussed his eyes again. No need to let Sirius know what he had been thinking about, he had already not been able to hold himself back from hugging Sirius like a small child. Time to behave like any other fifteen year old (well, nearly fifteen year old) would to, too.

But if he had thought that he could fool Sirius, Harry had been mistaken.

At first Sirius had asked himself why it was that the inhabitants of this house seemed to space out so often, but the haunted look that briefly crossed Harry's features told Sirius more than he had ever wanted to know about what was going on inside of Harry. Mentally, Sirius kicked himself. He should have known better than to chose his words so carelessly. 

He had wanted to talk about something that would not upset Harry, at least at first, at least until Harry would make the first step to open up towards him. Quidditch and flying had appeared as good a choice as there could be, but he should have known it. He should have known that the first thing Harry would think about would be his flying during that blasted tournament. Harry had not had any chance to fly otherwise during the past year. But no, as stupid as he was, Sirius had had to remind Harry of the tournament again. And with thoughts about the tournament, thoughts about that other kid's death came. 

'Great Black. Really great. The boy is already scarred enough as it is, he certainly doesn't need a godfather who makes him think about all that shit over and over again.'

But what had been done had been done, Sirius could not change it anymore now. He gave Harry what he hoped was an encouraging smile.

"Anyway, what I wanted to say – how about you and me going out and flying a little? It's been quite some time since I've been on a broom as well, but I'd like to try and see what I'm still able to do."

Harry nodded and smiled back at Sirius, though his smile had a somewhat forced quality.

"Sure. I'll just go upstairs and get my broom."

Harry jumped up from the armchair and left the living room, moments later Sirius could hear his footsteps on the stairs. Sirius sighed and got up as well. Harry had a broom, alright, now he only needed to make sure how he was supposed to leave the ground.

He found Remus in the kitchen, rummaging around in the fridge while the breakfast dishes were cleaning themselves in the sink. 

"Ah, Sirius. I'm about to go to town to do some shopping. Is there anything you want me to bring from the stores?"

Sirius leaned against the counter and scratched his head, thinking about this question for a moment. 

"No, nothing I could think of at the moment. But thank you. Though there might be something you could help me with."

Remus closed the refrigerator door and scribbled something down on a piece of parchment, then he looked up.

"What is it?"

"Harry and me want to go flying for a little while. And while he has this really, *really* good racing broom, at the moment I am rather helpless when it comes to leaving the ground."

Remus crossed his arms in front of his chest and looked at his old friend, not able to hide the enormous grin that started to spread across his face. He would be enjoying every moment of what was about to come, that much he knew.

"Wait. Do I get this right and you, Sirius Black, ask me, Remus Lupin, for a broom? If I remember correctly, you always used to say that I should not be allowed anywhere near a broom, let alone own one. And you said that I wouldn't know which model to buy, anyway. And now you're asking me for a broom?"

"Erm, the way you put it, it sounds so…so…negative."

Remus shook his head and waved a dismissive hand at his friend.

"Just forget about it. There's a broom in the garden shed. I don't know how useful it will be compared to Harry's, though. It's an old one, and I guess I haven't flown it since England has last won the Quidditch World Cup."

Sirius just raised his eyebrows.

"Oh."

A pause.

"Erm, Remus?"

"Yes?"

"Now that you mention it, when *did* England last win the World Cup?"

"You don't want to know, Sirius. You don't want to know."

"Oh. Okay. Thank you."

"You're welcome, Sirius."

With this, Remus pocketed his wand and took his shopping list. He turned back towards Sirius and pointed his index finger at him in a gesture of mock admonishing.

"Have fun, stay close to the house and whatever you do, stay out of trouble and away from my kitchen. I'll be back in an hour or so."

Sirius grinned.

"Yes Mum. May I have a cookie and a glass of milk while you're away?"

Remus playfully swatted Sirius across the head, his outward demeanour not showing how much this light-hearted banter warmed his heart inside. 

"You know I don't particularly care about cookies at all. I'd advice you to throw away anything cookie-like which you might find in here. I don't think I've had new ones ever since I've moved in here."

Sirius raised his eyebrow, and his eyes gained a bit of their long-passed mischief back.

"No possibility then that there are still some of those fantastic cookies Lily helped us make left? In some tin or cupboard maybe?"

Remus just shook his head.

"Sirius, really. Not after all those years. And would you like to explain our first and only experimentation with muggle drugs to your godson? I thought not."

With another shake of his head, Remus turned and left the kitchen, feeling Sirius' grin in his back. At that moment, Harry came into the kitchen, his Firebolt tightly in his hand.

"Where is Remus going? And what do you want to explain to me?"

Obviously, Harry had heard parts of Remus' last sentence.

"Nothing Harry. Nothing at all. Let's just say that you should be glad not to have seen the late seventies. Now, about this flying we're intending to do."

Harry raised his eyebrow.

"Yes?"

"Well, it seems as if somehow miraculously good old Remus owns a broom. But I'm afraid I won't be a good match for you and your Firebolt."

Harry had quite a good idea where his godfather was driving at, but he decided to let him suffer a little more.

"And?"

Sirius knew what kind of game Harry was playing, but one look at the racing broom in the teenager's hand made him forget that he had ever cared about his dignity. After all, the kid had seen him in his worst after the Azkaban escape, Sirius doubted he had that much of a reputation to lose.

"Please let me have a go on your broom!"

He fell to his knees and folded his hands in a mock begging gesture, and finally Harry could not hold back his laughter anymore. Sirius pretended to be crying into his palms, occasionally sniffling to underline his point. 

"Oh, alright Sirius. You can stop now, I didn't fall for this in the first place, you know? You can have a go as soon as I've finished my first round, alright? Now let's look at that broom of yours, maybe it isn't that bad."

Sirius got to his feet again and shook his head as they made their way towards the backdoor.

"There's no chance, Harry. Remus keeps a broom in case he needs to fly somewhere. He doesn't keep a broom because he wants to have a broom, but because he thinks it might be useful one day. It's like cars."

Harry stopped and looked at his godfather quizzically. He wasn't used to wizards who made muggle-references.

"Cars?"

Sirius nodded feverishly.

"Yes. You see, if brooms were cars, then the different broom models would be different car models, right?"

Harry nodded, but still frowned his brow.

"Right. I guess."

"So, your Firebolt would be something like a Ferrari. Something I would buy, and something your father would have bought. A combination of the best in speed, looks and technique. But expensive and if we're honest also a bit of a boast.  

Now, your Mum would probably have been the Volvo-type of person. You know, safety first. She'd probably have insisted on a Sweepmaster as your first broom. A safe thing, and not a racing model. Good to learn flying. A Volvo, yeah I like that one. 

Now, if you, your Dad and I have a Ferrari, and your Mum would have bought a Volvo, then let me tell you that Remus is the kind of person who doesn't really pay any attention to details like model or colour at all. For him, it is important that his car does what it's supposed to, without any additional stuff he doesn't know how to handle. He'd drive a Fiat, or a Lada, or a small Japanese car. But the important thing is, he probably wouldn't even *know* what model he was driving. Maybe, if at all, he'd remember his car's colour so that he would find it again on bigger parking-spaces.

He'd only use it when it could not be avoided and have it for as long as it would work. Because he doesn't care what kind of car it was, but it would be important that it does what a car is supposed to do. The same goes for his brooms, so I would not be surprised if we'd find a Cleansweep Two or a Nimbus One-Twenty in that shed."

Harry looked at his godfather with an expression that stated quite clearly what he thought about Sirius' state of mind, and it wasn't something good. He had the kind of expression on his face which people normally showed before they carted their relatives off to St. Mungo's. 

They had reached the shed by now and Harry opened the door.

"Just look what kind of broom it is, alright?"

Sirius nodded and grinned apologetically.

"Maybe I've over-used that car-metaphor."

"Yes, maybe. Though I liked the part about me having a Ferrari."

Sirius laughed and ruffled Harry's hair as he passed him in the shed doorframe. There in the corner leaned the broom Remus had been talking about.

Sirius grabbed it and returned to daylight of the backyard where he examined the broom more closely. It was a ShootingStar II, more than ten years old by now but still in quite a good shape.

"Well, I guess it could have come worse. Alright Kiddo, let's fly, shall we?"

Harry nodded enthusiastically, a feeling Sirius couldn't quite share. Truth be told, he had not been on a broom ever since the ShootingStar in front of him had been the newest and best broom on the market, but using one now somehow irked him. During his school days he had always wanted to own the newest and fastest broom and would have never even looked at a broom that was older than a decade. But one of the many lessons Sirius had learned during his time in Azkaban was that brooms were definitely not the most important thing in the world.

Which was quite hard to keep in mind when he was holding a ShootingStar II while his teenage godson was standing in front of him, the world's fastest racing broom in his hand.

Pushing those thoughts from his mind, Sirius followed Harry into the middle of the backyard where the teen already stood, ready to kick off.

"Okay, I'd say we'll fly a little round, and by the time I realize how much this broom sucks compared to yours, I'll go and search for something we could use to play Quidditch with."

Harry just grinned and pushed himself from the ground, soaring up into the sky at a neck-breaking speed. Sirius could hear him laugh out loud, and a moment later Harry dove back towards the ground, pulling the broom up only moments before he crashed.

"Did I already tell you that the Firebolt was the best present I've ever been given?"

Harry was by now racing out of earshot again, so Sirius only nodded, paralyzed with shock.

Yeah, the Firebolt had been just a *brilliant* idea, Sirius thought. Surely that was why he feared Harry might fall off that blasted thing any moment. He'd have a stroke or an ulcer by the end of summer, if things continued like that.


	4. When The Past Comes Back To Haunt Us

Another credit: As I still am no native speaker of English (and probably will never become one), not everything here is mine. Well, everything except from the ingenious expression "anti-fussing alarms" which is **Iniga's** invention. I hope she doesn't mind me using it.

**Chapter Four: When The Past Comes Back To Haunt Us**

Slightly more than an hour later, Remus opened the front door and levitated three bags with his purchases towards the kitchen. From the living room he could hear Harry and Sirius talk, interrupted by an occasional laugh or the sound of an explosion. They seemed to be playing Exploding Snap, then.

"Sirius, Harry! I'm home!"

He received no answer, so he quickly stored away the food and went to see what they were doing. He found Harry sitting in one of the armchairs, checking through his Snap cards to find a way to make Sirius' deck explode.

Sirius was sitting on the sofa, his right leg stretched out next to him, minus boot and sock, the trouser leg rolled up to his knee. An ice package was lying on what was obviously a quite swollen and bruised ankle.

"Hey. I'm home."

Sirius looked up from his cards and waved at him, while Harry even managed a mumbled "Hi Remus" before he withdrew his attention again. None of them seemed to care in the slightest about whatever accident must have happened to Sirius. Or to explain it to Remus, for that matter. Remus raised an eyebrow.

"Erm, Sirius?"

Sirius raised his hand in a gesture that told Remus to wait, then he quickly put down the two remaining cards in his hands on top of Harry's. The pile of cards exploded, announcing the end of the game. Sirius grinned at his godson as Harry tried to wipe the soot out of his face.

"Told you I couldn't lose."

He turned around.  
"Yes Remus?"

Remus just pointed at Sirius' ankle and raised both eyebrows in silent question. When no immediate answer came, he decided to try it with a verbalized question.

"Care to tell me how this happened? I leave you for slightly more than an hour, and you're already in need of medical help?"  
Harry started laughing while Sirius just waved him off. He blushed and mumbled something Remus could not understand.

"What did you say?"

Sirius stared straight at the floor and repeated what he had said in an equally low and mumbling voice. But this time Remus listened carefully and was able to understand it.  
"Kid's broom is dangerous. Could have killed me."

Exasperated, Remus turned towards Harry who by now had stopped laughing. 

"Harry, what happened?"

Harry smiled as he recalled.

"Well, as it seems Sirius was not really prepared for how good the Firebolt accelerates. Or brakes, for that matter. He tried to stop the broom from full speed, and the broom stopped faster than he could hold on to it. He fell, but only about five feet deep."

Slowly, Remus nodded. Knowing Sirius, he should have guessed that something like this would happen.

"And you didn't do anything except from cooling the swelling because…?"

Sirius didn't even look up from where he was dealing out the cards for the next round.

"Because Harry is not allowed to do any magic during his holiday, I don't have an own wand and I might be stupid, but not stupid enough to try a healing charm with a wand that is not mine. I could hardly do them properly with my own. I like to keep my body parts the way they are supposed to be, thank you very much."

Again, Remus nodded. That, he mused, must have been the first sensible explanation he had heard from his old friend. Ever.

"Alright, let me have a look at it."

He sat down in the armchair next to the sofa and took the ice package from Sirius' foot. Gently, he prodded and squeezed the joint, evoking hisses and other exclamations of pain from his old friend every time he touched the injury. Sirius had always been quite the drama-queen back when they had been at school. The only time to be really concerned about him was when he pretended to be fine. Sirius never openly admitted when he was really injured. 

Once, at the age of twenty-one, Sirius had come home bruised and battered after a crash with the Black Bitch, a 1969 Triumph, his beloved flying motorbike. Come to think about it, the only 'female' Sirius had ever loved passionately. Sirius had crashed her against a tree that night out of inattentiveness, but he had walked the rest of the way back home and had claimed to be all fine. It had taken Remus over two hours of talking and pestering to convince Sirius of his need for medical attention, and the following examination at St. Mungo's had revealed him to have a broken collarbone, a severe concussion, a sprained ankle and lots and loads of bruises and scratches.

So Remus was not overly concerned for Sirius' health at the moment, not with his old friend wincing and whining as if Remus was tearing off his foot.

"Ouch! Remus, be a bit more careful with that, will you?"

"Sorry, but I had to check whether anything is broken. This shouldn't be too difficult to heal."

Sirius didn't look too convinced and tried to keep his ankle as far away from Remus' now raised wand as possible.

"And what exactly do you know about healing magic?"

Remus shrugged.

"I don't really know, but I guess we're about to find out."

A look that could only be described as panic settled on Sirius' face and it didn't take long until Remus burst into laughter.

"Really Padfoot. Trust me?"

Hesitantly, Sirius stretched out his foot again. Remus raised his wand and tipped it onto the injured ankle, saying the incarnation for a basic healing charm. A soft red glow spread from his wand and around Sirius' foot, and after a short moment the swelling began to subside. Sirius carefully bent the joint and smiled in relief when he the movement didn't hurt.

"I'd be a little careful with it for the next one or two days, but other than that it should be fine. But it'll bruise nevertheless, there's nothing I can do about that."

Sirius nodded and bent down to retrieve his discarded sock.

"I can live with a bruise, I guess. Thanks, Remus."

Remus nodded and got up.

"You're welcome. Now, I'll go and see what I can make for lunch, shall I?"

Not waiting for his two houseguests to answer, Remus turned back into the kitchen where by now the purchases had sorted themselves into their respective shelves and cupboards. 

Sirius' small injury had brought back memories of the many times he had ended up in the infirmary, back when they had still been at school. Quidditch had been one reason why Sirius had nearly had as many dealings with Madam Pomfrey as Remus had had himself. 

Sirius had been a Beater, and a good one at that. More than once the opposite team (especially the Slytherins) had done their best to knock him off his broom and out of the game. And, as good as Sirius had been, they had succeeded in doing so more times than Remus cared to remember. Other times, Sirius himself had been just too daring for his own good as his universal approach on Quidditch and life in general. Concussions, a broken nose, a broken jaw, a cracked skull, broken collarbone, black eyes from an in-game brawl with a Slytherin Beater, Remus had long ago given up keeping count of Sirius' various Quidditch accidents. It would have been a full time job to do so, and that didn't even include all those times when Sirius had blown up his cauldron or had ended up on the receiving end of a Slytherin hex.

There had been a time when a bruised and swollen ankle would have hardly been worth mentioning. But that, like so many other things, belonged long in the past.

Footsteps on the stairs made Remus look up. He realized that he must have stood there for some moments and that he had not heard Harry pass through the kitchen and into the hall. When he turned around he found Sirius leaning in the doorframe, an unreadable expression on his face.

Remus gave him a short smile and pulled out a knife from a drawer. Placing the cutting board on the kitchen table and grabbing two onions from the shelf he tried to ignore the way Sirius looked at him. Maybe it would be better to ignore him completely.

"You're not comfortable, are you?"

And maybe it would not work. Remus' head snapped up.

"What do you mean?"

"You're not comfortable. With me being here, I mean. I've known you long enough to realize that, Remus."

Remus shook his head and began to chop the onions quite violently.

"I really don't know what you're talking about, Sirius."

The other man took the chair on the opposite side of the table and straddled it, bracing his elbows on the lean. For a while he said nothing and just watched Remus violate the lunch ingredients. After a couple of minutes, Remus' head snapped up again.

"Was there something you wanted, Sirius?"

"Why do you maltreat the food, Remus?"

Remus put the knife down and let himself fall into the chair, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his index- and middle-finger. Everybody who knew Remus a little better knew this to be a gesture of either utter confusion or complete exasperation.

"Listen Sirius, it's been two very exhausting days. I'm not used to having people around me, neither teenagers who have been to hell and back during the past month, nor escaped convicts with whom I have a past about which I have not dared to think for more than twelve years. I'm still adjusting, and so are you and Harry. But you've only been here for half a day, I'd say it's way too early to say that I'm not comfortable with you around.

And now, if you don't mind, either grab yourself a knife and cut those peppers over there, or leave me alone to prepare lunch."

If Remus had hoped that Sirius would take his hint to leave him alone for a while, he was disappointed quite quickly. Though Sirius had never really felt at home in a kitchen, he went over towards the counter and started to wash the green and red peppers.

"How do you want them?"

Remus looked up from his onions and seemed to give that question a long thought.

"Square pieces, they're for stew."

Sirius nodded and silently started to cut the peppers while Remus rummaged around in the fridge. They spent the rest of meal preparation in near-silence, only speaking when Remus told Sirius which ingredients to prepare and what to hand him over.

After half an hour of cooking, the stew was nearly finished and while Remus started to set the table, Sirius went upstairs to fetch Harry.

His godson wasn't in the spare bedroom, and after a short moment of surprise about this, Sirius had an idea and climbed the small and steep ladder that went up into the attic. There, on the windowsill sat Harry, stroking the white owl that was sitting in front of him. He looked up when he heard Sirius enter and smiled at him.

"Hedwig came flying through my window a couple of minutes ago. I don't have her cage with me, I left it at Privet Drive, and I thought she would like it better up here with Remus' owls. Do you think that would be okay with him?"

Sirius nodded.

"I don't know why not."

He looked up to the beam where Remus' two owls sat. One was an old barn owl which Remus had received from his father during their fifth year at Hogwarts. The owl was named Rasputin and by now so old that he could only deliver short-distance letters. The other owl was quite a bit younger, Remus must have bought it more recently, maybe two or three years ago. The two owls watched the snow-white newcomer with obvious interest, but not hostility. They seemed to be well-mannered animals, surely the addition of Hedwig would not be a problem for any of them.

Sirius sat down on the edge of the windowsill and stretched out his hand to stroke Hedwig.

"If I hadn't already known it, I'd now be convinced that you have a really intelligent owl there, Harry. Not every owl would have found its way to Remus' without ever having been here."

Harry smiled and nodded.

"Yes, I know. She's never failed to deliver a letter, no matter where she had to go."

He grinned at his godfather.

"She even always found you, no matter where you were hiding."

"Yes, and believe me, nobody was more surprised than me when she suddenly turned up while I was hiding in the South. And Buckbeak didn't particularly care for owls."

Harry suddenly remembered the Hippogriff with which Sirius had been in hiding for the past two years. He had not seen Buckbeak since his last visit at the cave Sirius had hid in during the past school year. 

"What happened to Buckbeak?"

Sirius quickly pulled his hand back when Hedwig started to peck him. She obviously had enough of being petted for today, and with a last glance at Harry she spread her wings and flew up onto the beam where Remus' owls sat. Sirius shrugged and turned his attention back to Harry.

"I set him free in southern Scotland before I went to alert Mundungus Fletcher. It was easier for me to travel those last distances without a Hippogriff, the danger of being seen with him was just too big. He's better off on his own, and I guess he'll return to Hagrid's in no time."

Sirius laughed.

"He really seemed to like Hagrid."

Harry smiled at this remark.

"Well, Hagrid also seemed to like him, a lot. He was completely devastated when he received the news that Buckbeak was to be executed."

Sirius pulled his left knee up to his chest and circled it with his arms. 

"Hagrid loves all animals, especially when they're potentially dangerous. He's always been like this, already back when we've been at school. He was always trying to talk Professor Kettleburn into covering more dangerous animals during lessons. The more dangerous, the better."

Harry laughed out loud.

"You can't even begin to imagine what it's like now that he's a professor. I think if Dumbledore let him have his will, we'd solely deal with dragons from now on. Hagrid really has it for dragons. During my first year, he even hatched a dragon egg."

Sirius frowned.

"Last time I heard, dragon breeding was illegal in Britain."

"It still is."

Shaking his head, Sirius rose from the windowsill. 

"Why don't you tell us the entire story during lunch? Remus actually sent me up to tell you it's ready, he must be waiting for us."

Harry nodded and followed suit. 

Sirius had been right about Remus. When the two of them came down, the table in the kitchen was already set and Remus was just about to carry the pot with stew over towards the table. 

"Is there anything I can help with?"

Remus looked around the kitchen, then nodded.

"Yes Harry, you could bring over the bread. Thank you."

Harry fetched the basket with bread from the counter and placed it next to the stew. When they sat down at the table, Harry noticed that Sirius and Remus were both looking quite strained. He didn't pay really much attention to it, but as they sat down and started to eat, he could literally feel the tension settling between them.

Confused, Harry frowned his brow. As far as he knew, Sirius and Remus were close friends, and even though they had not seen each other for a really long time now, Harry wasn't aware of any reason why the situation between them should be strained at all. It couldn't be because of Sirius' little accident this afternoon, that had not really been his godfather's fault. Harry should have told him how to handle the Firebolt, then this would not have happened. 

Harry tasted the stew and decided that he could get really used to Remus' cooking. If everything he made was this good, he'd maybe even gain some pounds during summer. And maybe the long-awaited growth spurt would finally come, as well.

When Harry was half-through with his plate, he had enough of the silence hanging over the table. He grabbed a piece of bread and dipped it in his stew.

"Erm, Remus?"

The other man looked up from his plate and smiled.

"Yes?"

"Hedwig arrived while I was upstairs. And because her cage is still at Privet Drive, I brought her up into the attic, if that's okay with you."

Remus nodded.

"Sure. I don't think she'd have liked staying in the cage anyway."

"Thanks."

"Harry, there really is no need for you to thank me for everything. This is supposed to be your home for the rest of the summer, so if you need something, just ask."

Harry nodded and smiled at Remus. He nearly said 'thank you' again, but quickly thought better of it. Sirius chose this moment to involve himself in the conversation.

"Speaking of the attic, you still owe us this story about Hagrid and the dragon, kiddo."

Remus looked surprised.

"Hagrid has a dragon? Isn't that illegal?"

Harry swallowed his mouth full of stew and shook his head.

"He doesn't have a dragon. At least no longer. He had one during my first year, though. Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback"

Sirius chewed on a piece of bread and waved around dramatically with his spoon until he had swallowed it down.

"How did Hagrid come by a dragon? I mean, it's not like you find them on every corner here in Britain."

"No, he won it while gambling in a pub. A stranger 'accidentally' happened to have it with him when he met Hagrid."

Sirius frowned.

"Why do I get the feeling that there is more to the story?"

Harry shrugged.

"Because there is, I guess. It's a rather long story, actually."

"Then why don't we clean up the dishes here, make a pot of tea and go to the living room. It should be more comfortable there."

Harry and Sirius both nodded at Remus' suggestion and within ten minutes they were settled in the living room, a steaming pot of tea and a plate of biscuits on the small table in front of the sofa. Remus had settled himself in what appeared to be his favourite armchair while Harry and Sirius shared the sofa. Sirius had complained that he needed all of the sofa to rest his injured foot on it, but he had not succeeded in gaining the whole sofa for himself. Not that he really minded.

And while Remus poured out the tea, Harry began to tell them about his first year at Hogwarts. He realized that of course Sirius only knew bits and pieces of his life from before they met, and Remus also seemed to have no idea about Harry's past life at all, so he started telling everything from the morning when his first Hogwarts letter had arrived. 

Harry left out some parts, though. He didn't tell them about the cupboard under the stairs, and very little about the Dursleys and his life with them in general. Sirius was already feeling bad about not having been there for Harry, and he knew that his godfather would feel even more guilty if he got to know what exactly living with the Dursleys had been like for Harry. There really was no need to burden Sirius with even more guilt complexes.

So Harry cut out as much of the Dursleys as possible, though he left in their flight from the letters and Hagrid's first appearance on Harry's eleventh birthday. Sirius seemed to find Dudley's pigtail extremely amusing, and even Remus had to hide a smile. But the two adults stopped smiling as soon as Harry started to tell everything that had happened during his first year at Hogwarts.

From time to time Sirius interrupted Harry in telling his story, mostly with remarks about Snape's greasy hair, Snape's too long nose, Snape's ugly visage, Snape's state of mind, Snape's abysmal body hygiene or just Snape in general. Remus just laughed and shook his head whenever Sirius did so, but Harry decided that he really didn't ever want to be in one room together with the two men again. Not if it could be avoided.

When Harry reached the part of his story where he described how Ron, Hermione and him had gone through the trapdoor to find the Philosopher's Stone, he had a hard time explaining to Remus why exactly they had to go alone and didn't have the time to tell somebody, *anybody* more qualified for this about what they wanted to do. It didn't get better when he told what had happened after they had passed Fluffy.

When Harry was finished with this story, two wide-eyed adults were staring at him. 

Sirius was looking as if he couldn't decide between hugging Harry because he was so glad that he had survived all this, or give him a proper spanking for all the rules he had broken and all the danger he had brought himself, Ron and Hermione into. Remus had settled on merely shaking his head, and Harry suddenly thought that it might not be such a good idea to tell them about his second year at Hogwarts at all. 

In the end he had to, and after Sirius had overcome his initial shock about Harry being a Parselmouth, Basilisk bites and preserved teenage images of the Dark Lord, he gave Remus a thorough scolding for never telling him about it. His former teacher, Harry learned, had heard the story during his year at school, though never in such detail.   
It was well past seven when Harry finished and the three went into the kitchen to have some dinner. 

They settled on the leftovers of the stew as Remus claimed to be too lazy to cook anything. Harry had offered to make dinner, but Remus had refused to let him do any housework so shortly after arriving, and for some strange unspoken agreement Sirius seemed to be banned from even getting near the stove at all. Harry decided to investigate this once the opportunity arose.

Until eleven in the evening the three settled themselves in the living room again, but this time Sirius and Remus were the ones to tell stories. After the stories Harry had told, they seemed to see the need to brighten up the mood again, so they told Harry stories of how James fell off his broom because he had wanted to show off in front of Lily during a Quidditch match, they told him how they managed to dye the Slytherins' underwear pink and of their legendary Gryffindor versus Hufflepuff food fight during their third year. 

Remus didn't have the intention of leaving Peter out of their stories, but after Sirius began to growl unconsciously at the mention of their former friend's name and Harry visibly paled Remus decided that it might be better not to mention Peter for the rest of the evening.

Remus had had twelve years to learn and deal with the death of James and the absence – or, as he had thought for a long time, death – of Peter, and another one during which he had begun to cope with the thought of Peter being the traitor. And while Remus thought that he had reviewed his own past and had reached the point where he was able to distinguish between Peter his friend and Wormtail the traitor, he could not expect Sirius or Harry to feel the same. 

Sirius had yet to grieve for the loss of his best friend and had to cope with Peter's treason, and while Remus believed that he would eventually manage this, he did not believe Sirius would ever get past the guilt he felt for all that had happened. 

And for Harry it was surely near-impossible to imagine that Wormtail had ever been a person who had earned their trust and friendship. Harry only knew the traitor, the coward Peter Pettigrew had become. 

And so for the sake of the two people who were currently occupying his living room, Remus took care to leave Peter out of the stories he told. There was a time for everything, and tonight was not the right time to talk about Peter Pettigrew and what he had done to all of them. 

At half past ten Harry began to yawn discreetly, and half an hour later he was yawning repeatedly and didn't bother to hide it behind his hand anymore.

Sirius grinned at Harry.

"Time for bed, don't you think?"

Harry stifled another yawn.

"Not tired."

He knew very well that this wasn't true, but until today nobody had really cared when he went to bed, especially not the Dursleys. As long as he had gotten up early in the morning and had not disturbed their sleep during the night, they hadn't cared whether he had slept at all.

And now that finally there was somebody who cared about when he went to bed, Harry had the feeling that protesting against his bedtime was the right next move. After all, that was something he had never done, either. Truly, actually he was too old for either, bedtime and the protest against it, but Harry just felt like it.

Sirius just nodded.

"Sure, not tired. That is why you've been yawning for the past half hour as if you were about to unhinge your jaw. Come on, up to bed."

Harry scratched his head and nodded.

"Maybe you're right."

He could still refine his protesting-against-bedtime-skills tomorrow or the day after that. Suddenly, Harry looked up, as if he had just realized something.

"Where are you going to sleep?"

Sirius ran a hand over his forehead and frowned his brow.

"Well, now that you say it…erm, where do I sleep?"

Sirius turned towards Remus and now it was the former professor's turn to scratch his head. He grinned sheepishly.

"Erm…to be honest, I haven't thought about that. When Albus told me you were coming here, I thought you'd take the spare room, because I hadn't planned that Harry would be here, too."

"Sorry if I'm causing problems."

"Harry, you don't cause problems, alright? I had known that Sirius would come, I should have planned this better. Well, there's not enough room for a second bed in the spare room, and the sofa is too small for you to sleep on. I could stretch it, but that wouldn't make it more comfortable. The easiest way would be if I transfigured another bed in my room and you'd sleep there. At least for tonight, it's already late."  
Remus tried to sound indifferent, he did his best to keep all treacherous emotion out of his voice, but he felt his heartbeat quicken when he looked at Sirius. No matter what he had told himself about his feelings towards Sirius and how they were merely feelings of friendship and nothing more, now that he sat here next to him he realized how much he had been lying to himself. And while it was true that the sofa was quite uncomfortable, this hadn't been the main reason why he had offered to share his room with Sirius. Truth be told, he longed to sleep in to the sound of his former lover's breathing again, and he longed to wake up early in the morning and watch Sirius' sleeping face like he had done hundreds of times back in school and the years after.

There might never be anything between himself and Sirius again other than friendship, but that didn't mean Remus couldn't relish every bit of closeness he could get. 

Sirius didn't even seem to think for long about the prospect before he nodded.

"Sounds okay with me."

Remus realized that Sirius eyed him carefully and then remembered Sirius' accusation from this afternoon. The other man didn't really think that he offered him his bedroom just to prove that he was not uncomfortable around him, did he?

As much as it pained him, Remus had to admit that he didn't know Sirius well enough to judge that. Not anymore.

"How about we call it a night then?"

Remus nodded and got up while Sirius pulled Harry up from the sofa. He extinguished the fire and the lights, then went upstairs after the others. What followed was a struggle for the bathroom, rummaging for a pair of fitting pyjamas for Sirius, and a little late-night wand action. After ten minutes Sirius was provided with a pair of pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt, everybody had brushed their teeth, Remus had transfigured a chair into a second bed and they had bid Harry good night. While the teenager was settling in his new room, the two adults once more checked that all the lights were extinguished and all doors and windows were locked before they went to bed themselves. 

"We'll have to talk to Harry tomorrow, about what to do in case Voldemort finds out he's here. Albus said he'd send two portkeys over, just in case the house gets attacked."

Sirius looked up from where he had arranged his blankets and nodded.

"Yeah."

He shook his head.

"I really don't know why I haven't thought about that myself. It's about Harry's security, I should have thought about it."

Remus smiled.

"You've only just arrived today, Sirius. Don't lose your head over it, it's not too late to start thinking about Harry's security. But not tonight anymore, let's just go to bed."

Sirius nodded.

"You're right. Good night, Remus."

He crawled under his blankets and started to beat and squeeze his pillow into the right shape, something he had already used to do at the age of eleven. Remus watched him carry out this old habit with a fond smile on his face, then extinguished the light.

"Good night, Sirius."

"Night Remus. Thanks for letting me stay."

Remus rolled around and stared into Sirius' direction in the darkness.

"From now on the rule about not needing to thank me for everything also applies to you. I'm glad you both are here."

He sensed more than saw Sirius nod in the other bed.

"Night."

"Good night, Remus."

Even though Sirius had not slept in a real bed for many years, not counting the few exceptions on his way to Remus', he didn't need much time to adjust. It took him mere minutes before exhaustion finally took over and he was fast asleep.

Remus stayed awake for a while longer, listening to the regular sounds of breathing that came from the bed on the other side of the room. The sound of Sirius' breathing had always had had a comforting effect on him, and tonight he fell asleep to the sound of it for the first time in over fourteen years.

It took Sirius a couple of moments to realize where he was and what was happening. He had been asleep, but something had woken him up. 

Being on the run from the Ministry of Magic took its effects on a person, especially on their sleeping patterns. Though Sirius didn't really know why he had woken up, he immediately sat bolt upright in bed and tried to figure out where he was.

"Sirius?"  
Sirius knew that voice. He dug deep into his memory, and it only took him a short moment to identify it as Remus'. 

Remus? 

Then he knew. Remus. Of course. He had arrived here yesterday, on Dumbledore's orders. Harry was here, too.

"Remus? What's wrong?"

Remus lit up his wand and in the dim light, Sirius could see his old friend crouching next to his newly transfigured bed, a slight frown on his face. One of his hands was resting on Sirius' shoulder, obviously from when he had tried to shake him awake.

"Harry is thrashing around in his bed again. I thought he might be more comfortable if you went and looked."

Sirius immediately swung his legs out of bed and rubbed the last remnants of sleep from his eyes.

"Thanks, Remus."

Remus nodded and watched him leave the room. Though Sirius could not hear anything of his godson's discomfort, he trusted Remus' hearing. As he approached his godson's room, he too could hear Harry thrash around in his bed and mutter in his sleep, caught in whatever nightmare it was that was plaguing him this night. Carefully, Sirius opened up the door.

"Harry?"

No answer. Not that Sirius had really expected one, but he had the feeling that at least he should try. Now that he was standing here in the doorway of Harry's room, watching his nearly fifteen year old godson struggle against his nightmare, Sirius suddenly realized that he knew next to nothing about how to deal with teenagers. Especially not with teenagers who had a severe trauma because they had witnessed the resurrection of the Dark Lord and the murder of a fellow student. Sirius was pretty sure that there were advisory books on parenting for nearly everything, but somehow he doubted that Harry's problems would be covered anywhere.

Carefully, Sirius approached Harry's bed and sat down on the edge of the mattress.

"Harry? Come on kiddo, wake up."

Harry still didn't react, he merely continued kicking out with his legs, throwing himself from his left to the right and back again, all the while holding his hands out in front of him as if to ward off an attacker.

"Harry? Harry, it's just a nightmare. Wake up."  
Sirius put a hand on Harry's shoulder and gently shook him. When Harry didn't immediately react, he shook the shoulder a little more forceful. 

In the darkness, Sirius could see Harry's eyes being ripped open, frantically searching the room for anything he recognized. 

"Harry?"  
Upon hearing the voice, Harry's emerald eyes turned on Sirius and in a movement born out of shock the teenager immediately sat up and tried to get away from him as fast and far as possible.

"Harry, it's just me. Sirius. Are you alright?"  
It took a moment, but slowly recognition showed in Harry's eyes. When it finally seemed that he remembered where exactly he was and what must have just happened, he let his head sink and stared down at his blanket, his thumbs nervously fidgeting with its edge. Sirius didn't remove his hand from Harry's shoulder.

"Harry, are you alright?"

Harry shrugged.

"Just a nightmare. Sorry that I woke you."

Sirius shook his head.

"You didn't wake me, Remus did. I might have become a light sleeper, but my hearing will never be as good as his."  
"Then I did wake Remus again."

"Oh, Remus doesn't mind being woken. Nobody would, not after seven years in one dormitory with your father and me. I guess he got used to it."

Sirius watched Harry carefully, searching for any indication of how to go on from here. Harry was awake, and he seemed to be fine or at least pretended to be fine. Sirius knew that a nightmare was no serious problem as such, but somehow he could not get rid of the feeling that this was neither the first nor the last one Harry had had and would have, and this made nightmares a serious problem. 

On the other hand Sirius had absolutely no idea what Harry needed. How could he show the kid that he was there for him without setting off all anti-fussing alarms every fifteen year old had?

Sirius knew that he would have felt fussed over if his dad had insisted on staying with him after a nightmare at the age of fifteen, but that was exactly what he wanted to do right now. Leaving Harry alone with whatever was plaguing him just didn't seem to be right, not at all. The kid had already too much to bear for himself.

"Do you want to talk about it?"  
Harry looked up, seemingly confused for a moment.

"About what?"  
"The nightmare."

Running a hand over his face, Harry shook his head.

"No, no it's not important. Really. Go back to bed, I'm fine."  
Sirius didn't believe a word Harry said, but he didn't know what else he could do, either.

"Sure?"

Harry sighed.

"Sure."

That much for talking about it. Harry obviously didn't want to. Well, as much as he might have wanted, there was nothing Sirius could do about that. At least nothing he could think of at the moment.

He ruffled a hand through Harry's sleep tousled hair and pulled him into a hug.

"I'm just across the hall if you need something, alright?"

He held Harry at arm's length and gave him what he hoped was a serious look. Not that Harry could have seen that in the darkness, but it made Sirius feel a little better.

"And it's really no big deal to wake me up if you need something. Not at all. Got that?"

Harry nodded, but avoided looking into Sirius' eyes. Well, Sirius couldn't help his godson there, nearly fifteen years old or not, that hug had been necessary. If the kid didn't want to talk, he got hugged. Period. 

Sirius thought his was a good strategy. Or at least one that seemed to work, for now.

Ruffling Harry's hair once more Sirius got up from the bed and made his way over towards the door.

"Good night, Harry."

"Night."

Sirius left the room and closed the door behind himself, then leaned his back against the wood and rubbed his eyes. This wasn't boding well, not at all. Nightmares. 

Usually, a nightmare wouldn't have upset Sirius very much, he had his own share of not so pretty Azkaban memories that came haunting him at night on a regular basis, but in Harry's case it bothered him. Remus had said Harry had had a nightmare the night before as well. Sirius only hoped this wasn't an every-night occurrence for his godson, but somehow he couldn't get rid of the thought that it was. And he already had a good idea what they were about. 

Well, a couple of good ideas, to be precise, but he could imagine that the night of the third task was still fresh enough in Harry's mind to exceed all other nightmare-material Harry might have. And if he was bluntly honest with himself, Sirius had absolutely no idea how he could help Harry with what he was going through.

Slowly, Sirius started to make his way back to Remus' room again, walking silently as not to wake his old friend. Not that he had any doubts about Remus being wide awake, anyway. His excellent hearing sense could come in very handy on occasion. Without having to think very hard Sirius could name at least five occasions from their time at school when it had saved them from running into Filch or a teacher. But when nightly sleep was concerned Remus' hearing could be more than just a burden. For a couple of years Sirius had wondered how Remus had managed to get decent sleep at all with the dorm mates he, James and Peter had been, until he had found out about Remus' carefully developed system of silencing charms around his bed. A system they had later put to good use, even if somewhat different than originally intended.

But that was nothing Sirius wanted to think back to. Not now, not anytime soon. Right now, all Sirius wanted was return to his bed and sleep through the night until Remus would see fit to wake him up. Which would be at an unholy hour, something like eleven at latest, Sirius guessed. 

He opened the door to Remus' room and found his suspicions immediately confirmed. Remus was half lying, half sitting in his bed and looked up at his entrance.  
"How is Harry?"

Sirius shrugged.

"Had a nightmare, but he wasn't very talkative about it."  
He sat down heavily on his bed and stared into the darkness for a couple of moments.

"Do you think he has them every night?"  
"I wouldn't be surprised, not after what he's been through."

Remus' statement was followed by a stretch of silence during which both men thought back once more on what exactly Harry had been through. Sirius unconsciously growled lowly and Remus had his hands balled to fists. After a while, he spoke again.

"I'd watch it for another couple of nights. It's not as if he'd be able to hide his nightmares from us. You should try and talk to him about what happened, maybe that'll help."

Sirius shrugged.  
"I imagine he's not pretty keen on talking about it. I know I wouldn't be, if I were him."  
"Be that as it may, but what Harry's been through won't go away on his own, especially not if he pretends that it has never happened."

Sirius yawned and ran a hand across his face.

"Let's think about this tomorrow. I don't believe that we'll solve the problem tonight. Good night, Remus."  
"Night."

They lay back down in their beds, but this time it took the better part of an hour before the slow and regular breathing from the direction of Sirius' bed told Remus that he had finally fallen asleep. With his last waking thought Remus wondered why he had waited for Sirius to fall asleep before he even considered doing the same. But before he found an answer to that question, his eyes had dropped closed and he was peacefully asleep himself.  


	5. One Step Forward Two Steps Back

**Chapter Five: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back**

Sirius had never claimed to have the gift of foresight, but his prediction about the unholy hour at which Remus would wake him up could not have been more precise. From his point of view, anyway.

It was shortly past eleven when Remus entered their common bedroom. Daylight already filtered through the curtains for hours, but Sirius had dealt with that problem by burying his head under a rather large amount of pillows. Nevertheless, Remus could still hear him snoring softly.

Remus smiled. Somehow, he regretted waking Sirius when he was so peacefully asleep. He guessed that his old friend was not blessed with untroubled sleep every night. But on the other hand Sirius would sleep until doom's day if nobody woke him, and Harry was already waiting for his godfather to get up. Not that the teenager had explicitly *said* so, but Remus had taken the liberty to interpret his repeated and increasingly impatient glances towards the staircase as a sign that Harry was waiting for Sirius to wake.

Slowly, Remus sneaked towards the bed. He needn't have worried about moving without making a sound because Sirius wouldn't have heard him in his present position even if he had stomped towards the bed, but somehow sneaking make him feel so much more mischievous.

"Sirius. Time to get up."

No reaction. Well, at least now nobody could accuse him of not having tried the nice way. 

The next thing he tried was pulling away Sirius' blanket. A rather short-lived struggle ensued, but though Sirius didn't wake up in the process he eventually gave up his grip on the blanket and instead snuggled closer into the pillows. And as Remus saw no chance to break his friend's iron grip on those, he had to resort to more drastic means.

With both hands he gripped the mattress and pulled it up abruptly. Sirius rolled sideward, and halfway towards the floor he woke up. His blue eyes widened in surprise, his arms automatically spread while his hands searched for something to hold on to, but before he even had the slightest chance to realize what was going on he had already hit the floor with a lout 'thud'. Remus winced a bit. If the impact on Sirius' head had been as hard as it had looked, then it must have been a rather unpleasant way for the dark haired man to discover that he had not been trapped in one of those dreams were you felt like falling, but that he had rather been indeed falling out of his bed.

"Ouch!"

Remus crossed his arms over his chest, a smug grin on his face, and watched as Sirius tried to find out what had just happened.

"Good morning, sunshine."

Remus knew exactly how much Sirius hated people who were cheerful 'so early' in the morning, something Remus couldn't understand at all. He loved being cheerful, especially in the morning. Okay, maybe he liked it even better since he had found out that it was one dead sure way to get the better of Sirius, but that wasn't the main reason. Well, maybe today it was. And besides, Sirius' definition of 'early in the morning' stretched until what most normal people called mid-afternoon.

Sirius looked at Remus and took in the smiling face and the entirely confident and happy way in which he was standing in the room, as if being awake before noon was the best thing in the world. He glared at his old friend and then he tried to find out exactly how he had ended up on the floor. Seeing his upturned mattress, Remus standing behind it, a smug grin on his face, Sirius got a very good idea of how exactly he had fallen down. He settled on glaring some more at Remus.

The werewolf only laughed and threw one of the pillows at Sirius' head.

"Don't look at me as if I had tried to kill you, Padfoot. It's nearly noon and I thought you would want to spend some time with your godson. Who, I might add, seems to usually get up between eight and half past eight, just so that you know."  
Sirius groaned and let his head fall back down at that prospect. Too late he remembered that he was lying, not on his mattress, but on the bare floor of Remus' bedroom. Too late to prevent his head from knocking quite painfully against the floorboards. For the second time that morning.

Remus laughed and turned to leave the room.

"Get up, Padfoot."

Sirius called something after his friend which he surely wouldn't repeat in mixed company. Then again, he might as well have – this *was* Sirius, after all. 

For some moments longer Sirius remained lying on the rather cold floor of Remus' bedroom and contemplated his possibilities. Problem was, he didn't really have any alternatives except from getting up. Lying on the floor was uncomfortable, and if he went back to bed, Remus would waste no time in waking him up again, and Merlin only knew what cruelties he'd have prepared then. Sirius distinctly remembered one time at school when a cauldron full of cold water had been emptied over his head and he immediately sat up. Remus would have no bad conscience upon repeating this procedure, but Sirius rather wanted to spare himself that trouble.   
He was awake anyway by now.

Slowly, Sirius climbed to his feet and made his way over towards the bathroom. Maybe the world wouldn't look as cruel as it did now if he only took a hot shower. After a bit of rummaging around in Remus' wardrobe he had found himself a clean shirt to wear today, and true to his friend's ever-prepared nature, Remus had laid out fresh towels for him in the bathroom. Well, Sirius had worse starts of the day before, many of them. Twelve years worth of them, but he preferred not to think about that now. Azkaban seemed ages away from here, in Remus' house in broad daylight. 

But Sirius knew that it would only take a wrong word, the faint smell of sea-wind or merely nightfall to bring him closer to that dratted place again, closer than he ever wanted to be. 

After he had taken the shower, Sirius indeed felt a lot better, ready to face the day that awaited him. At least he wasn't tired anymore, if that already counted for something.

Downstairs, he was greeted by the smell of coffee. Sirius had to suppress the onslaught of memories that threatened to surface as he remembered the many occasions when the smell of freshly made coffee had been one of the first things he'd noticed in the morning. It seemed there were some things Remus, too, had not forgotten over the course of the years.

But with a quick shake of his head, Sirius dismissed all the memories. If there was anything he really didn't want to deal with at the moment, then it was thinking about the last time Remus and he had been living under one roof. Not here, not now, not anytime soon if Sirius had a say in it.

He quickly entered the kitchen and found himself greeted by his broadly grinning godson. Sirius couldn't help but smile back. If simply his presence made Harry this happy, then maybe getting up earlier during the next days would be worth it. No, surely it would be worth it. Though Sirius could not imagine how exactly Harry managed to get up that early without being dead tired. After all, the kid obviously had not had extremely much sleep himself, not after that nightmare last night. But Sirius guessed that asking Harry this was not the world's best idea at the moment, so he went over towards the kitchen table, ruffled his godson's hair as a greeting, and sat down. 

Sirius deliberately ignored the pointed glares Remus threw in the direction of his – or rather Remus' own – shirt and instead poured himself a cup of coffee.

"Morning, Harry. Doing alright?"  
The teenager shrugged and turned his attention away from the parchment in front of him for a moment. 

"I'm fine."

Again, Sirius didn't really believe Harry, but again, he decided to keep silent about it until a moment to talk about it would present itself. To be honest with himself, Sirius didn't know how he should recognize a good moment to talk to Harry about what seemed to be bothering the kid, he only hoped he would.

"What are you doing there?"

Sirius gestured at the parchment that was lying in front of Harry, some notes scribbled on it in what appeared to be quite a listless way. Again, Harry shrugged.

"That History of Magic essay I was talking about yesterday."  
Sirius nodded and went over towards the fridge to make himself some breakfast.

"Ah, I see. Urgh the Ugly, Simon the Smurf and one of their entertaining Goblin Rebellions."

Harry looked at him as if he was a bit out of his mind, then turned his eyes at Remus.

"I thought you said it was Dad who had made those up."

Remus chortled.

"He did. But…well, some of us weren't as creative as he was, so we had to use his ideas."

Harry nodded, understanding on how his father and his father's friends had managed to get through school. Come to think about it, not much unlike he and Ron were doing in Divination, now.

"I guess the fact that there were four of us writing about goblins named Urgh and Simon, Binns thought that they had really existed." Remus shrugged. "I really don't know, but somehow we managed to get through seven years of History of Magic that way. Not that I want to give you ideas, of course."

Sirius waved around dramatically with his toast.

"No, if you need those kind of ideas, come to me."

Remus glared at him.

"You want to encourage Harry to cheat?"

Sirius lifted his hands, palms up, in the universal 'Can't help it'-gesture.

"I'm not his professor, after all. And – correct me if I'm wrong – neither are you."

The words had left Sirius' mouth before he had even thought about them, an old habit that had created problems more often than Sirius cared to remember.

He saw Remus flinch visibly at the remark and mentally slapped himself. Remus had loved teaching at Hogwarts and though he had resigned instead of being fired, Sirius knew how much he regretted it. Well, he *should* know how much his friend missed teaching at Hogwarts, and he should have kept his big mouth shut about it. But now it was too late, and he had said it. 

Sirius looked up at Remus and tried to read from his face ho much his remark had hurt his old friend, but if there was something Remus had learned to the degree of perfection then it was not letting his face show his emotions. Remus looked completely indifferent and busied himself with preparing tea. On the first look, nothing appeared to be wrong with him, but Sirius knew that he had either hurt or annoyed him.

"No, you're right. I'm not his teacher."

Probably both, hurt *and* annoyed, if the tone of Remus' voice was any indication. And if Remus was still anything like he had been as a teenager, his voice was mostly the only indication of his current mood. Sirius sighed. This was just great, just as if everything that could possibly go wrong did just that.

Harry watched the two men with concerned interest. He had already had a strange feeling about them yesterday, just as if they weren't comfortable in each other's presence, and today this gut feeling only turned stronger. But Harry didn't understand it, not in the slightest. From what he knew about Sirius and Remus, he would have guessed that they enjoyed each other's company, especially now that they knew the whole truth about what had happened all those years ago. But exactly the opposite seemed to be the case, and Harry didn't know what to make of that development. 

Of course, it was not his place to interfere into Sirius' and Remus' affairs, but he couldn't help and be curious. 

For a while the kitchen was silent, the only sounds being the boiling water on the stove and the rustling of a newspaper page being turned. Sirius was reading the sports page of the Daily Prophet while Remus had buried his face in the news pages. Both men didn't look up from their reading for quite some time, until Remus finally took the boiling water from the stove, poured it into the teapot and retreated into his study. Harry followed him with his eyes, then looked at Sirius. If his godfather had seen Remus leave, he didn't show it, and neither did he react to Harry's questioning gaze, so the teenager decided not to pursue the matter any further. Maybe Sirius and Remus had been fighting about something yesterday evening, who knew. He'd have to wait and see how those two behaved.

Sirius finished his breakfast and his paper and only then he looked up again, smiling at Harry.

"Okay, kiddo. Any plans for today? We could go swimming later, if I'm not much mistaken I've seen a lake on my way over here."

Harry nodded.

"Sounds fine to me. But I want to get started with this essay, so maybe we could wait till a little later?"

Sirius shrugged.

"Whatever suits you, Harry. It's not as if I had a tight schedule to keep."

He smiled at Harry and got up, putting his dirty plate into the sink. For the millionth time since he had escaped from Azkaban, Sirius wished he had a wand. Once or twice on his flight he had considered stealing one, but in the end always had decided against it. It wasn't the act of stealing as such that had bothered him, though it wasn't something he'd liked to have done, but the fact that somebody else's wand would not have worked well for him, anyway. Small spells were no problem for a good wizard, no matter which wand they used, but more complex spells or even duelling could be ridiculously dangerous with a wand that didn't fit exactly. Now, Sirius considered himself quite a good wizard, without bragging about his skills, but he wasn't stupid. A wand wasn't of any use for him if he couldn't completely rely on it to function, and because somebody else's wand would never fall into that category, Sirius had given up the idea of stealing one some time ago.

But unfortunately, Sirius couldn't just go to Olivander's and get himself a new one.

A knock on the front door interrupted his musings. Confused, he looked up at Harry, silently asking whether his godson maybe knew who this could be. But Harry seemed just as puzzled as Sirius himself was, so he guessed that Remus hadn't told him to expect a visitor, either. From the hall, they could hear Remus leave his study.

"I'll get it."

Sirius changed into Padfoot, just in case that somebody decided to visit who didn't need to see that Remus was hiding escaped convicts in his house. Which would be the bigger part of the wizarding community, with only very few exceptions. But then again, the greatest part of the wizarding community didn't usually visit Remus. Sirius positioned himself in the kitchen doorway, whether consciously or not placing himself between Harry and whoever it was who had knocked at the door.

They both could hear the front door being opened and then Remus said something. Another voice answered and Sirius immediately changed back with a relieved sigh. A moment later, Remus came into the kitchen, followed closely by Albus Dumbledore. Sirius stepped towards him and shook his hand. 

"Good morning, Albus."

"Ah, Sirius. Good morning. It's good to see that you've arrived here safely. And quite early, if I'm not mistaken."  
Sirius nodded.

"I arrived yesterday morning. I was a bit lucky on my journey here, was able to spare some time."

Remus returned into the kitchen with the pot of tea and gestured Dumbledore to sit down.

"Please Albus, take a seat."

Dumbledore complied and sat down on the opposite side of Harry. With a twinkle in his eyes, he greeted the teenager.

"Good morning, Harry. Ah, doing your homework, I see. Very responsible way to spend the holidays, though I have no doubts that Sirius will know how to distract you from your work if necessary. I trust this arrangement is after your liking?"

Harry nodded.

"Yes, Professor. I had no chance to thank you for all that you've done for me."  
Dumbledore just raised his hand and gestured for Harry to stop.

"That's perfectly alright, Harry. Now, the reason why I'm here, besides making sure that nothing is amiss here, are the emergency arrangements."  
Remus sat down next to Dumbledore with his own cup of tea and watched his former headmaster attentively. Hearing the word emergency, Harry's eyes had widened remarkably.  
"Emergency? What emergency?"

"Nothing to worry about. Right now, only we here in this room know that you are here, Harry. But that doesn't mean we can afford to be lax concerning the precautions. If Voldemort finds out that you are here, we need to have a plan how to get you out of here if the house is attacked."

Harry nodded at Dumbledore's words, but there was a notion of doubt in his face. If it wasn't for him, this would not be necessary. Sirius and Remus could very well live without all those precautions, if he wasn't staying here.

Dumbledore, however, didn't notice Harry's sudden change of mood, but pulled two wooden boxes out of his robe pocket and put them on the table.

"There is an anti-apparition ward around the house in a one mile radius, in addition to the wards you have already set up, Remus. It can only be taken down from my office. You should keep your fireplace password-guarded from now on and change the password every day. Just to make sure.

And in case something goes wrong despite all precautions we've taken, and should the improbable case of an attack occur, I've prepared two portkeys."

He indicated the two boxes he had placed on the kitchen table.

"As Hogwarts castle is warded against portkeys, at least if they're used to travel into the castle, they are set for Hogsmeade. They should transport you right in front of the Three Broomsticks, so that you can floo over to the castle. My advice would be to keep one portkey here and one upstairs, but that's for you to decide, of course."

Remus and Sirius both nodded, and seemed to think for a moment. Then, without saying a word, Sirius pushed one of the boxes over to Harry, who frowned in confusion upon this.

"What…?"  
Remus interrupted him before he could even finish his question. 

"Put that one in your bedroom, Harry. On the bedside table, or somewhere else where you can reach it easily at night."

Harry put a hand on the box, but shook his head.

"But…why? I mean, if the portkey is in my room, how are you going to get out if something happens?"

Sirius caught Harry's gaze and held it, his face unusually serious. 

"Harry, those portkeys are mainly for *your* protection. Remus and I are much more experienced in case of an attack, or should it come to duelling. If something happens, it's our job to hold them off until you are safe, and then we'll come after you. I want you to keep that in mind. If something happens, I want you to take one of the portkeys and go to Hogwarts as fast as possible. Do not delay yourself because of Remus and me, okay?"

"But…"

Sirius shook his head.

"No buts this time, Harry. Promise me."

For a long moment, Harry stared at his godfather, then finally he nodded.

"Okay, I promise."

"Thank you, Harry."

The teenager still didn't look as if he liked the idea of taking one of the portkeys solely for himself, but by now he knew better than to argue with Sirius. His godfather and Remus seemed to agree on this – as strange as this sudden harmony might seem after this morning's tension – and Harry didn't stand a good chance in this argument. He might not like it, but he had no other chance as to comply.

Remus meanwhile placed the second portkey on the kitchen counter, leaving the decision where to place it for a later moment. It was Sirius who finally broke the silence.

"Albus, what exactly happened at the house of Harry's relatives? Remus told me about the attack, but I have to admit that I don't really understand everything that happened."

Dumbledore nodded and slowly stroke his beard.

"Unfortunately Sirius, neither do I. Fillius and I have spent all day yesterday searching for an explanation, but there wasn't much we could come up with. All we know is that the wards that should have alerted the Ministry and me had been disabled before that night. As to the how and when, we can't say yet. They haven't been breached, they've been disabled, just as if they had been taken down by me. Only that *I* did no such thing."

The old man shrugged and for a short moment Dumbledore looked his age.

"Either Voldemort has some very good charms experts in his ranks, or – and that's what I fear – he himself has grown far more powerful than we all thought. He didn't go to Privet Drive himself, but somehow he managed to take those wards down nevertheless. And if blood protection magic doesn't stop him anymore, it's about time that there are wizards around to actively protect Harry."  
Harry had not understood everything his headmaster had said, but one of Dumbledore's last sentences had made him look up.

"Is it…could it be that Voldemort was able to breach the wards because he took my blood when…"

Harry's voice broke and he didn't finish his sentence, but the three other men in the room immediately knew what he was talking about. The rite during which Voldemort had resurrected himself by the use of Harry's blood. The night of the Third Task, just after he had ordered the death of Cedric Diggory.

Dumbledore sighed.

"That at least is the only explanation that I have at the moment. At the Dursleys, you were protected by the strong wards, by protective magic based on blood relations. But now that they don't seem to be an obstacle for Voldemort anymore, we need to actively protect you. Sirius and Remus are more capable of protecting you than your aunt and uncle are, and you should not worry too much about it. As I said, nobody knows you are here, so there is no reason for you to worry."

Harry nodded, though his face told quite clearly that he wasn't entirely convinced of what Dumbledore had said. As much as Harry enjoyed living with Remus and Sirius, and as much better as it was compared to living at Privet Drive, Harry didn't like the way what his headmaster had said sounded.

People were in danger because he was around. That as such was nothing new, but before he had either been at Hogwarts or at the Burrow, both surrounded by wizards, or at Privet Drive with his aunt and uncle, protected by strong wards. Only now, with Dumbledore's portkeys lying here in front of him and the knowledge that they were needed because of him did Harry become aware of just how much danger his presence created for Sirius and Remus. And especially Sirius really didn't need more worries, he had enough to do with taking care of himself.

Harry's big problem was that he didn't really have any other place to go, so staying here with Sirius and Remus was his only possibility.

He was, however, pulled from out of his thoughts by Dumbledore, who obviously didn't have finished what he had come here for. The ever-present sparkle in his eyes grew even stronger when the older wizard turned towards Sirius.

"However, Sirius, you will surely agree that you are not sufficiently equipped for any kind of magical activity."

Sirius frowned a little, but then slowly nodded.

"If you want to remind me that I don't have a wand, then you're right. Something which I've had to deal with every day for the past thirteen years."

Sirius didn't continue, but for a moment turned his eyes onto the surface of the kitchen table and rubbed his neck with his hand, eyes distant and deep in thought. Though neither Remus nor Harry had spent much time with Sirius over the past year, both instinctively knew what kind of thoughts had to be going through his head at the moment. Neither of them would ever be able to understand what exactly Sirius had been through in Azkaban, but both knew that whatever it had been, it would never leave Sirius again. And, as this moment proved, it didn't take much to bring the memories back.

Dumbledore as well did not interrupt Sirius' moment of losing himself in thought, and indeed it took only a couple of moments before Sirius raised his head again, rubbed across his neck once more and smiled slightly at his former headmaster.

"There's no chance for me to get my old wand back, is there?"

Dumbledore shook his head.

"No, unfortunately not. It was snapped directly after you were arrested."

Sirius nodded, his face grim.

"Pity. It was a good wand, I really liked it."

Upon remembering his old childhood wand, Sirius' expression turned to a fond, but far-away smile. Remus couldn't help but smile along as he remembered all the mischief they had caused during their time at school, and even Dumbledore could not hide his smile behind the grey curtain of his beard.

"Oh yes, I remember it, too. Dragon heartstring, if I'm not much mistaken, and of dark wood. Good for Transfiguration, which caused a couple of Minerva's grey hairs if I might let you in on this. And I am still convinced that it was exactly this wand that turned the hair of the Slytherin Quidditch team red and gold when they won the cup in your second year."

"Third year, and they had earned it. Snape had cheated against Hufflepuff." Sirius automatically interrupted. A moment later he realized that he had walked straight into Dumbledore's trap, but at least he had the decency to blush upon it. Dumbledore just waved him off.

"You only confirmed what everybody believed straight from the beginning, Sirius. And besides, it's long lapsed  by now. But, to get back to the starting point of this conversation. When I was thinking about the protection for this house, I remembered your wand and what happened to it. Well, to make a long story short, I paid my old friend Mr. Olivander a visit and he happened to have something stored that matched my description nearly perfectly."

Remus had guessed for a couple of minutes already where this conversation was leading, and now that Dumbledore pulled a slim and long box out of another pocket of his robes, he couldn't help but grin at his friend's dumbstruck expression. It seemed as if Sirius really had had no clue what Dumbledore had been leading at. Even now, as his former headmaster pushed the box over in front of him, he just stared at it and shook his head.

"But…Albus, is that what I think…?"  
Dumbledore smiled.

"Just open it, Sirius."

Which Sirius did, with somewhat shaking hands. Inside the package was a dark wand, polished and shining new. Sirius looked at it like a child on Christmas Day.

"That's…"

"12 ½ inches, ebony with a dragon heartstring. Excellent for transfiguration and duelling. It's very close to your old wand and should work reliably. Don't be so shy, try it out."

Sirius felt like an eleven year old boy in Olivander's shop again as he carefully took the dark wand from the box and lifted it. It even looked just as his old one had done, minus a couple of scratches in the wood that had come with years of usage and duelling. When he took it in his hand, warmth seemed to radiate from it and some random sparks left the tip of the wand. 

"It really feels similar to my old one."

Sirius shook his head in disbelief. Only half an hour ago he had thought about how much he missed having a wand, and now he even held one that seemed to fit him nearly perfectly. He turned his eyes at Dumbledore again.

"Albus, I can't ever thank you enough. I don't know what you told Olivander, but this is…this is perfect. Thank you."

Dumbledore smiled and nodded.

"No need to thank me, Sirius. Really not. Especially with your legal status it would be suicidal to walk around without a wand. You might need to practice a little, though, to get a feeling for it."  
Sirius laughed dryly.

"Albus, after thirteen years without a wand I'd say I need to practice before I think about trying anything more difficult than 'Lumos', just so that I won't accidentally blow up Remus and Harry when I first try to use this wand. But it should not take too long, at least I don't hope so."

All of a sudden, Sirius jumped to his feet and turned towards the door, grabbing Harry's wrist on the way.

"Come on, kiddo. Let's go outside and do some magic."

"Erm, Sirius, I'm not really allowed to do magic, you know…"

Sirius just waved him off.

"The Ministry won't even realize that, not with all the wards around here. And you don't need to do anything if you don't want to."

Shrugging, Harry allowed himself to be dragged away. In the doorway, however, Sirius once more turned around.  
"Thank you, Albus."

He didn't only mean the wand, and everybody in the room knew that. Dumbledore just smiled.

"As I said, Sirius, you're perfectly welcome. I'll drop by in a couple of days again."  
"Bye Albus."

"Good bye Sirius, Harry."

"Bye Professor."

Harry didn't manage to say anything more, because Sirius had already dragged him out of the kitchen and towards the back door, leaving Remus and Dumbledore alone in the kitchen.

They were already in the back garden when Harry managed to free himself from Sirius' grasp.

"And now?"

Sirius sat down on the grass and scratched his head with the wand, thinking very hard as it seemed. Then he shrugged.

"I guess I'll try all the spells I can remember. It's been quite some time since I've done any magic, so I guess there will be a lot of things I have to practice."

Harry nodded.

"Wouldn't it be better if you had a spell book?"

Slowly, Sirius nodded.

"Yeah, I guess. But I don't really know how useful yours would be, fourth year level isn't exactly what I'll need when it comes to duelling Death Eaters. Hmmm…I think Remus should have a spell book we could use."

Sirius already wanted to get up when Harry gestured him to remain seated.

"Don't bother, I wanted to fetch my broom anyway. I can ask Remus for the book, while you get acquainted with that wand."

The last part was said with a rather large grin into Sirius' direction, and before his godfather could protest, Harry had already closed the door behind himself.

On his way through the living room, Harry heard Professor Dumbledore and Remus talk in the kitchen, and though it wasn't something he usually did, something told him to slow down and listen to the voices that filtered into the living room.

"…that he'll be in his office between ten and eleven and would appreciate it if you came then."

Dumbledore's voice was followed by Remus' laugh.

"I think Severus used a different choice of words when he told you that."

"He did indeed, but I'd rather not repeat what exactly he said."

"Albus, it might sound unbelievable, but by now I know which of Severus' words I have to take literally and which not. He's not all that hard and cynical as he likes to present himself."

Dumbledore chuckled lowly.

"Whom are you telling this, Remus. But I'll tell him that you'll drop by for the Wolfsbane tomorrow morning."

A pause followed and Harry had already started to move towards the door when Dumbledore spoke again, his voice suddenly without all former mirth.

"How are you doing, Remus?"  
Harry frowned. Why should Dumbledore ask Remus this question, especially in such a serious tone? From what Harry knew there wasn't anything except from the approaching full moon that should be a reason for concern. But judged from the lengthy pause that followed this question, Remus knew that Dumbledore had not only asked about his health. After some moments, he answered.

"I'm fine, Albus."

Harry could nearly hear Dumbledore shake his head.

"Somehow, I don't believe you, Remus. You're not comfortable with the arrangements, and that's obvious."

Harry swallowed hard. Was Dumbledore talking about him? Somehow, that was the only answer Harry could think of, but if Remus didn't want him and all the problems he dragged along with himself around, then why had he agreed to have him here? 

He heard Remus sigh behind the door, and for some more long moments that was the only sound emitting from the kitchen.

"It's…it's just difficult, Albus."

"I'm sorry if I caused you problems by what I asked of you, Remus."

"No, no Albus, it's alright. I knew that it would not become easy, and I can understand your reasons for asking me to have him here. It's the only place where he is really safe right now, and I had even been looking forward to it. But now that he's here…I don't know what it is, but it's difficult."

"I'm sorry, Remus."

A chair was scratching across the tiled kitchen floor as its occupant, presumably Remus, got up and as Harry guessed leaned against the counter.

"It's not your fault, Albus."

Remus' voice sounded muffled, as if he was holding his face in his hands. 

"But there's nothing you can do about it, Albus. Right now, it's all about getting through the rest of the holiday. If we're lucky for once in our lives, then we'll catch the rat sometime soon and Sirius gets declared innocent. Once this happens, it'll get a lot easier. As soon as he's free, he and Harry will have their own life to live."

He laughed harshly.

"You see Albus, it's no real problem. All we need is a miracle or two, and it'll all get better."

"You know that if there is anything I can do…"

"There is nothing you can do, Albus. That's something I'll have to go through myself. But thank you, nevertheless."

"I should be going now. I'll drop by once more before full moon, and if you need something else, please let me know."

Harry heard Dumbledore and Remus get up and chose this moment to stride towards the door and into the kitchen as if he hadn't been eavesdropping for the past five minutes. As a result, he nearly ran into Remus, but that only underlined the impression Harry wanted to give. Remus smiled at his clumsiness.

"Harry, can I help you any? Or did Sirius' magic practice scare you away?"

Harry looked up at Remus and from the genuine smile he gave Harry, the teenager guessed that Remus was unaware that his confession to Dumbledore had been overheard. Which didn't do anything to lessen the painful knot that had formed in his stomach during the past minutes. Remus didn't want him here, didn't feel comfortable with him around, but nevertheless he bore with his presence. Because of what, Harry could not guess. Maybe Remus felt it was his duty towards Sirius and, even more, towards his long deceased school-time friend who had happened to be Harry's father. 

Remus' smile didn't falter, but Harry was surprised that his obvious confusion and self-consciousness upon Remus' presence didn't seem to show on his face. Or maybe it did, and Remus was just too preoccupied with his own thoughts on that matter to realize it.

Suddenly, Harry realized that his godfather's friend was still waiting for an answer.

"Erm…no, I was just going to fetch my broom. But we were wondering whether you had a spell book he could use for practice? He said mine wouldn't help him any."

Remus smiled and nodded.  
"I guess it wouldn't. But I should have something for the two of you, maybe even something for duelling practice, then you wouldn't need to just sit by and watch. And it could be helpful training for you as well. I'll look for them, I'll just bring Albus to the door."

"Erm…thank you, Remus. Bye Professor."  
"Bye Harry."

And before any of the two men could say something more, Harry dashed upstairs, his mind still buzzing with the conversation he had overheard. If Remus was as uncomfortable with his presence as the conversation he had overheard made him guess, then Harry asked himself why he was still so friendly towards him. Maybe he was doing Sirius a favour, for the sake of their old friendship?

Harry knew that he would not find an answer to all those questions, not right now and possibly not anytime soon. He'd maybe know better if he watched Remus a bit more closely during the next days, now that he knew what his former Professor was really thinking. It might give him the answers he was seeking, but Harry wasn't so sure whether he would like those answers.

It was strange, really. For most of the past two years, he had thought of Remus Lupin just as his teacher, even though he had known that the werewolf had been one of his father's best friends. Only now Harry was slowly beginning to see him as everything else that he was: another link to the past, to the parents he had lost. Remus had been his father's friend, he was his godfather's best friend and he was somebody who might have become something between Harry's friend and maybe even some kind of parental figure for him. 

Harry hadn't expected that Remus' rejection would hurt him as much as it seemed to do, not after such a short time. But matter of fact was that it did hurt him. A lot.

By the time Harry had reached the top of the stairs, he forced himself to stop pondering on these thoughts. They only hurt, and right now he didn't want to deal with that. Later, tonight maybe, when he was alone in his room, but not now.

Upstairs in his room he grabbed his Firebolt from the corner and ran downstairs again. Again, he nearly ran into Remus as the older man left his study and tried to enter the kitchen.

"Oops, sorry Remus."  
Remus smiled and waved him off.

"That's alright. Here, I found a spell book for Sirius to use. I'm sure I also have some on duelling, I'll bring one out as soon as I find it."

"Thanks, Remus."

Not staying longer than necessary in his former professor's presence, Harry dashed outside again. Sirius was standing at the far end of the garden, his wand pointed at Remus' herbal garden in a very threatening way. At least Harry would have considered it a threat had it been his nurtured and cared for plants. Upon seeing Harry leave the house, Sirius gave up his attempt on whatever spell it had been he had tried and turned towards him.

"There you are. I had already thought Remus had held you in his study, forcing one of his lengthy lectures about his books on you."

Sirius smiled as he said this, so Harry guessed that he wasn't all that serious about what he said. But he surely would not tell his godfather that he had indeed been kept by Remus and what he had been saying. No way would he tell Sirius that he had been eavesdropping.

"Erm…no, but it took Remus some moments to find the book. He said he'd also find us something on duelling."

"Ah, good. It might be good for you to learn some more average duelling as well, just in case. But maybe we should wait until I'm a bit more practiced in wand usage again."

Sirius took the book from Harry and began leafing through it, after a  quick search settling on one chapter to start with. For the rest of the afternoon, Sirius went through the contents of the book, trying spell after spell from basic transfiguration up to rather advanced concealment and defence spells.

For a while Harry watched him, surprised that re-learning all those spells didn't seem to be all that difficult for his godfather. Truly, sometimes it took him long moments to remember the correct pronunciation, or the right wand-movement, but once he had filled those gaps performing those spells was no problem for him. Harry didn't know how this was with really tricky spells, but if today's progress was any indication, he would soon be back to his old standard. Whatever that had been, Harry mused.

While Sirius was occupied with his re-found ability to perform magic, from time to time also with getting lost in his thoughts when a particular spell evoke memories of times in the past when he had used it, Harry watched him attentively. After an hour or so he remembered the Firebolt that was lying next to him and flew around the yard and garden in lazy circles.

Usually, flying helped him clear his mind when something was bothering him, but today it did not. Remus' words echoed in his mind again and again, he just could not forget what he had heard. Harry was so lost in his thoughts that it took him some moments to realize that Sirius was shouting and waving from the ground, trying to get his attention. Harry shook his head as if to clear his thoughts and flew his broom towards the ground again.

Sirius smiled when he saw the confused look on Harry's face.

"You have to be the first person I've ever seen daydreaming while flying a broom."

Harry grimaced and scratched his head.

"I guess I sort of drifted off up there. Flying helps me to think."

Sirius nodded.

"Yeah, I know. Your father always did the same when we were still at school."

He gestured Harry to put away his broom and pointed at the basket to his feet with the wand.

"Remus went to Hogwarts for his Wolfsbane, and from how I know him he won't be back till early afternoon. He said something about spending some time in the library while Madam Pince is on holiday. He made us something to eat and I thought we could maybe go for a walk and have a picnic later on. Remus said the area is really secluded so we shouldn't meet anybody who might recognize me, so I thought it would be a good idea."

Harry smiled, long and genuinely. Being away from the house, from Remus and all those weighing thoughts about this morning's events sounded like a brilliant idea to him, and he told his godfather as much.

"Alright then, let's go."

Sirius grabbed the basket and the both set off towards the field that began behind the garden fence.

Whatever they had planned, it definitely didn't end out in a nice long walk. For maybe twenty minutes they were strolling around the fields and the small forest in the proximity of Remus' cottage, but soon the smell of roast beef from Remus' picnic basket made them search for a good stop for a break. They found it on the slope of a small grassy hill. Nearly all the way on top of the small hill stood a large old oak tree, and Sirius and Harry lost no time in plundering the basket as soon as they had sat down. They both kept relatively silent during their lunch, and also afterwards.

For some long moments both enjoyed the warm but not unbearably hot summer afternoon in companionable silence, legs stretched out in front of them and their backs against the sturdy trunk of the old oak tree.

Their walk seemed to have ended here seemingly in mutual agreement, and both Harry and Sirius knew that they had not only come here to enjoy the view of the area around them.

Sirius had realized, of course, that ever since this morning something seemed to be bothering Harry, something that went deeper and was far more acute than whatever it was that was causing the teenager's nightmares.

Sirius had deliberately waited for the right moment before, the right moment to ask his godson what was weighing on his mind, but now that this moment seemed to have come he asked himself what good it would do.

Whatever it was that Harry was seeking, be it comfort, assurance, guidance or advice and help in finding solace, Sirius didn't know whether he could give it. What did he know about all this, he with all the wrong decisions, false advice, hurt and, in the end, dead friends who had trusted him in his past? Sirius himself had been wrong far more often than he had been right in the past, and if he allowed James' son to make similar mistakes it would be another position on his long list of failures. He'd be damned before he allowed that to happen.

"Sirius?"  
"Hmm?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"But I want an honest answer."

Inwardly, Sirius sighed. Even if it was 'merely' the truth Harry was asking of him, he didn't know whether he could give his godson that, as little and natural as it might seem. Not the whole truth at least, if Harry was asking about him and Remus. Not now, not anytime soon. Heck, he himself didn't know what it was about him and Remus at the moment, how could he tell Harry? He only hoped that it was something entirely different the teenager would be asking.

"Sure."

Harry seemed to hesitate for a moment even despite Sirius' reassurance, but it seemed to be because he was searching for the right words more than anything else, because after a moment he spoke.

"This is all because of me, isn't it?"  
Sirius frowned.  
"What do you mean?"

Harry sighed.  
"The anti-apparition wards, the passwords, the portkeys, Dumbledore, you and Remus worrying about emergency plans, *that*."

Sirius nodded slowly, then, remembering that Harry didn't look at him and therefore could not see him, spoke aloud.

"Yes, it is. It's for your safety, mainly. But why do you ask that?"

Nervously, Harry fidgeted around with some stands of grass in his hand. Instead of answering his godfather's question, he posed one of his own. 

"Why do you do it?"  
Sirius frowned and turned slightly, so that he was able to look into Harry's face. The teenager didn't seem to notice, he had his gaze locked straight ahead on something Sirius could not see.

"Why we do take all these precautions? You know that, Harry. We want to keep you safe. And I'll gladly learn a couple of passwords and keep a portkey nearby if it helps keeping you safe."

Harry shook his head.

"No, not that. Not really. What I mean is, why do you and Remus keep me here? It causes only problems and inconveniences, it brings both of you in even more danger than you're in without me. And…well, I mean, neither of you really knows me.

Fifteen years ago, you promised your best friend to take care of his child in the unlikely case that neither he nor Mum would be able to, you maybe babysat me a couple of times, and fifteen years later you find yourself in the danger of becoming Voldemort's next victim just because of me, a person you don't know except from all those memories from over a decade ago.

Why do you do that? You don't need to keep your promise to Dad, not under these circumstances. I'm sure that when he asked it of you, he didn't have a future as the number one on Voldemort's killing list in mind for me."

Sirius did his best to keep his surprise and shock from showing on his face, but it was a tough struggle to do so. 

"You think that I only try to take care of you because I promised James? That I do it because I consider it a duty? Consider *you* a duty?"  
He was not able to keep the tone of surprise and disbelief out of his voice, but it seemed to be lost on Harry anyway. Harry only shrugged and still refused to look at Sirius, but he nodded. For some long moments, silence settled between the two of them while Sirius searched his mind for a possible answer.

His first instinct was to tell Harry that what he had asked was complete and utter nonsense, to tell Harry that he was no duty for him, that he was…and then he didn't know how to continue. Only now did he realize that he had never thought about his reasons for why he would and did go any lengths to protect Harry. It had just seemed natural to him to do so, he had never thought he'd need to voice a concrete reason for it.

"It isn't as simple as that, Harry. Yes, I do see it as my duty to protect you, because that's what I promised James and Lily. Which is a vow even you can't relieve me of."

Sirius saw Harry's shoulders slump down just a tiny fragment, and though the teenager didn't show any other reaction Sirius knew that his words had hurt Harry. But he wasn't finished yet with what he wanted to say. 

"I can only imagine what it has to look like from your point of view. For as long  as you can remember, you've been dealing with everything on your own, simply because you didn't have anybody to turn to. And all of a sudden, at the age of fourteen, you're confronted with not one, but two practically complete strangers who tell you that they care about you, just because they knew your parents and just because they knew you when you weren't even old enough to talk properly."

Harry nodded in silent agreement.

"But there is more to it, and though I can only speak for myself here, I think Remus feels similar about it.

Let me tell you one thing, Harry: You are badly mistaken if you believe that neither your father, your mother nor I knew what the possible consequences could be when they named me your godfather. The case that neither James nor Lily would be there to take care of you anymore wasn't as unlikely as you might think it was. Your father was on top of Voldemort's most wanted list for a couple of months shortly after you were born, that's why they went into hiding in the first place.

James knew that Voldemort and the inner circle of the Death Eaters would have loved to see him dead, he knew that they were actively trying to hunt him down. He had arrested too many of their most important members to be ignored, and after he and his unit managed to catch the Lestranges, two of Voldemort's favourite and also most dangerous Death Eaters, it seemed to become more urgent and personal for Voldemort to kill him. Both your parents and I knew very well that if I agreed to become your godfather, and if I promised them to take care of you should something happen to them, that it was something that was very likely to happen. That's why they asked me to do it, that's why they took precautions for that case in the first place.

Harry, I didn't become your godfather because I thought it would be nice to have a little kid around to baby-sit from time to time, a kid whom I could spoil on his birthdays and on Christmas but about whom I would not have to care or worry otherwise.

I became your godfather because I knew, because I had seen with my own eyes, how much your parents loved you. To James you were the single most important person in the whole wide world, and he'd have given anything to keep you safe from harm. When he asked me to become your godfather, he placed the care for your wellbeing in my hands for the case that he died, and I vowed to James that I would do no less than he would have done to care for you."  
Sirius looked up at his godson, but Harry still refused to meet his eyes.

"Harry, I promised my oldest and best friend whom I loved like a brother to take care of the one person who meant more to him than anybody else in the world. I promised him because I knew how important it was for him to know that you were taken care of. And whether you like it or not, I'll fulfil that vow to James or I'll die trying. I won't go away, even if you tell me to."

Before he continued, Sirius scratched his head, and once more messed up his ponytail in the process.

"And all that I've said so far makes it still seem as if I try to take care of you because I feel I owe it to a dead friend."  
Again, Harry nodded. Again, without looking at him.

"But the reason why it's more than just a sense of duty for me is…well, let's say that it took me only a couple of meetings with you to realize why you were so special to your parents.

Harry, within *days* after your birth I fell for you, and I fell hard. We all did. It didn't take long until everybody, Remus and me included had hopelessly fallen in love with you. There were times when Remus and I were trying to *force* James and Lily to go out, just so that we could baby-sit you. Lily was constantly making fun of us, because we found a reason to 'just drop by' every day. You were just as important to me and Remus as you were to Jamie and Lily. We all loved you, and we still do. We wanted to keep you safe because we couldn't stand the thought of you being hurt, and that has remained just the same until today."

Harry just shook his head, still staring straight ahead. His refusal to look at Sirius was slowly angering the older man.

"I'm not a baby anymore, Sirius. What you've said might be right about the child that I was then, but I'm nearly fifteen years old now. Fourteen of which you haven't seen me, Remus hasn't seen me. I've grown up, I'm not a small toddler anymore. So how can you say that it's still the same like back then for you? You don't know me, don't know what kind of person I've become. Do us all a favour and don't mix up your idealized memories of the good old times with the present, that won't work."  
Sirius was taken aback by that response. He had thought that Harry was searching for reassurance, was waiting for him to tell him how much he truly cared, but he had not been prepared for a teenager who wanted to hear that there was no reason for Sirius at all to care for him. But that was what Harry wanted to hear, at least it seemed to be the case at the moment. Sirius was torn between the urge to hug Harry and to never let go, and to grab his shoulders and shake some sense into him. In the end, he did neither because he guessed that Harry would not have appreciated either alternative. So again Sirius settled on the verbal approach.

"You're right that I didn't know you until we slowly got to know each other over the course of the past year. We still don't know each other well. But I guess I know you well enough to tell you that you're a lot like James, and sometimes you remind me so strongly of Lily that it's close to being scary."  
Sirius saw that Harry wanted to say something, but he held up his hand and gestured him to stop.

"No, let me finish. That you're like your parents isn't what I wanted to tell you. Truly, you remind me of them, and not only because you look so much like James. But though I can find a lot from your parents in you, there's also a lot which doesn't remind me of them at all. A huge part of you is…well, it's just *you*. It's what *you* have experienced over the past fourteen years, what influenced *you* and what made *you* the person you are today. And it's that part I'm interested in. 

I've already known a James Potter and a Lily Potter, I don't need to try and find them in somebody else. What I want to know is who Harry Potter is, what kind of person the small kid I was so in love with has become. It's *you* I'm interested in and not the memory of your father, Harry.

I want to get to know you, I want to catch up on everything I missed when I could not be there for you as I promised to be. That is the more important reason why I can so easily accept the minor inconveniences your presence might cause."

Harry didn't stare at some point far off anymore, which at least was an improvement, but by now he had begun to find his hands seemingly extremely interesting. His voice was very low as he spoke.

"And what if you don't like the person you discover?"  
Deciding that they had played enough question and answer for today without really looking at each other, Sirius put a hand on Harry's shoulder. As he had expected, this movement made the teenager turn his head, and one look on Harry's face told Sirius that he was struggling to keep his inner turmoil in check. Sirius smiled at him in what he hoped was a reassuring way and squeezed his shoulder slightly.

"Don't worry about that, kiddo. I think I like that person very much. It might be easier to show you, though, if you would only let me in."

Green eyes bore into blue ones, and Sirius just hoped that he had gotten through to Harry. Though he doubted it. Sirius might not have been very experienced when it came to raising a teenager, but he wasn't dumb, either. Fourteen years of neglect couldn't be made forgotten by some warm words and a hand on the teenager's shoulder. When Harry didn't answer, but also didn't take his eyes off his godfather, Sirius decided that it was time to break the silence.

"It would already be a start if you didn't shut me out anymore. You don't need to feel that you have to make out everything on your own, you know?"

Harry nodded, albeit slowly, then he tore his gaze away from Sirius and leaned back against the tree trunk, his hands subconsciously drumming a rhythm on his thighs.

"May I in turn ask you a question, Harry?"  
Harry hesitated for a moment, then nodded. It wasn't as if he could stop Sirius from doing so, anyway.

"Alright."

"And you promise to be just as honest as I was?"

Harry swallowed, but nodded again.

"Why did you ask me that question? Why do you think that Remus and I - and yes, I did realize that you ware talking about *both* of us - just have you here because we think it's our duty?"

Harry didn't answer that question at first. He saw no way to tell Sirius that he had been eavesdropping on what Remus and Professor Dumbledore had been talking about. And even if he told his godfather that he had overheard that conversation - after all, it hadn't *really* been his fault that he had heard it, only that he had stayed for as long as he had done - it might have consequences Harry didn't want to provoke.

If Sirius believed him, then he'd surely tell Remus about it, ask him to explain his behaviour. Then Remus would think that Harry was sneaking around and overhearing his private conversations, only to tell their contents straight to Sirius. And his godfather would be on Remus' side, or - even worse - he'd be angry with Remus. And if there was something Harry really didn't want then it was causing even more problems for the two adults. Especially since they *had* already been behaving strangely yesterday. No, there was only one condition under which he could tell Sirius about what had been bothering him.

"Harry?"

Harry sighed and looked at Sirius' shirt, not daring to look up any further, let alone his eyes.

"Only if you promise me that you won't tell Remus about it."

Sirius frowned at this, but after a moment's hesitation he nodded.

"Alright."

Harry took a deep breath and tried to collect himself.

"Earlier, when I went into the house to get the spell book and my broom, I...I happened to overhear Professor Dumbledore and Remus while they were talking. I didn't mean to, honestly, but once I started listening to them, well, I just didn't stop. Remus...well, he didn't say it directly, but he said that he wasn't comfortable with the way things are at the moment, though he had believed he would in the beginning. That for him it was all about getting through the holiday for now, and that he hopes Wormtail will be found soon so that you can take care of me on your own."

Sirius sighed and closed his eyes, for the moment left speechless.

"Fuck."

Then he hit the back of his head against the tree trunk a couple of times, as if to underline his point.  
It took him maybe half a minute to collect himself enough to speak again.

Harry watched his godfather curiously, but didn't dare to interrupt his thinking. He had said his part, now it was up to Sirius to do or say something. When he finally did so, it absolutely wasn't what Harry had expected.

"Harry, though I can only guess what exactly Remus and Albus have been talking about, I *know* that he wasn't talking about you when he said that. Harry, Remus likes you. A lot. There's just no reason for him not to want to have you around. I know that for a fact."

Harry frowned.

"But then who was he talking about?"  
Sirius raised his eyebrow and sighed.

"Well, I guess he was talking about me."

In his initial shock at that response, Harry didn't even realize that there was a slight note of disappointment and hurt in Sirius' voice when he said that.

"About *you*? But...why? I mean...I always thought you were...why?"

While Harry was desperately trying to process this latest piece of information, the little wheels inside of Sirius' head were turning at full speed as well, even if for much different reasons. Harry would want to know why, and while Sirius knew that he couldn't tell him the whole truth just yet, before he himself knew what their present situation was, he also knew that Harry hated being told half-truths and part-lies. Well, in this situation it couldn't be helped, Sirius only hoped that the teenager would understand it once he finally got to know what had once been between Remus and Sirius all those years ago. He just had to understand why Sirius was so reluctant to talk about it at this point of time. 

"Why? Well Harry, there are still a lot of things Remus and I need to talk about. We didn't have any personal contact ever since that night in the Shrieking Shack over a year ago, and ever since then there have only been sporadic letters exchanged between us. We still need to once and for all talk about...well, about everything that happened all those years ago."

"That you suspected each other of being the traitor?"

Sirius nodded.

"Yes. That and the whole story of the Secret Keeper switch, how Peter could betray us so easily, why we came as far as suspecting each other, but never told each other openly of that suspicion, why I went after the rat that night instead of staying and proving my innocence, why Remus believed I was guilty."

Sirius breathed deeply.

"Basically we both know the answers to all these questions, we just need to speak them out, I guess. To finally chase away all those ghosts from the past. I think that's why Remus feels uncomfortable with the situation. At least that's why I do."

Harry nodded.

"And you can't talk about it because I am here."

It wasn't a question, but Sirius resolutely shook his head.  
"No, you're not to fault for anything. Once reason surely is that I've only been here for slightly more than a day. The other is that we're both too scared to make the first step. It's ridiculous, really, but it'll be alright given time."

He looked up and grinned at Harry.

"Don't worry, kiddo. We won't ruin your entire holiday with being moody around each other."

"That's not the point, Sirius. I just wished there was something I could do."

Sirius shook his head and waved him off.

"No, that's something Remus and I have to make out on our own. But don't worry, we will soon. I'll see to it. You really don't need to worry yourself about something that doesn't have anything to do with you."

Harry shrugged again, showing that though he was still not completely convinced of what Sirius had told him, but that he grudgingly agreed his inability to do something to help at the moment. 

Sirius looked at the sky for some moments, then he lifted himself off the ground.

"Let's leave, Harry. It's early afternoon, and if we still want to go swimming we should leave now. It's still a bit of a walk to the lake."

He stretched out his hand to the still sitting Harry and pulled him to his feet.

"The lake is within the wards?"

Sirius shrugged.

"I guess so. I don't think it was farther away than a mile, and even if it is, we'll feel the signatures of the wards when we're about to cross them. And if it is outside of the wards, then I guess Remus will have to live with us turning his back garden into a swimming pond."

He ruffled across Harry's hair and set off down the small hill, not leaving Harry any chance but to follow. His godson willingly complied, the prospect of a nice swim in a lake exactly what he needed to make his day.


	6. Wolf, Dog And Boy

**Chapter Six: Wolf, Dog And Boy**

In the end the small lake was indeed still within the protective wards which Albus Dumbledore had raised around Remus' cottage, and so that was where Sirius and Harry spent the rest of the afternoon swimming and lying in the sun.

When Sirius shrugged off his shirt before he jumped into the lake, Harry was relieved to see that his godfather had indeed gained some weight since his escape from prison. Harry had already guessed as much, but under the wide muggle shirts he had been wearing Harry could not have been sure. 

Sirius was still far too thin for his size and built, the ribs still standing out on his body though not as prominently anymore as they had done before, and he still needed to get back most of the muscles Harry supposed he had had in his youth, but he didn't look like a walking skeleton anymore, and that at least was something.

Harry had only had the experience of one dinner cooked by Remus, but if his former teacher's cooking abilities proved to be as good as the stew last evening had promised, then Sirius would definitely have the possibility to gain some more pounds during their stay here. And maybe Harry himself would not return underweighted to Hogwarts this year, either.

When Sirius and Harry returned into the house in the early evening, Remus was already home again and – no surprise there – standing in the kitchen, preparing dinner. He looked up from his ingredients when Harry and Sirius came into the kitchen, and taking in their dishevelled hair, rumpled, wet and grass-stained shirts and trousers, it didn't take a genius to guess what they had been up to.

"Hello, you two. How's the lake?"

Sirius shuddered involuntarily as he remembered just how cold exactly the lake water had been, something that had not been guessable from merely looking at it.

"Icy, but good for a swim. You should come with us the next time."  
Remus shook his head.

"Not during the next couple of days. Maybe after the full moon."

"Why?"

Harry hadn't even realized that he had asked that question aloud until he heard his own voice speak it and found both adults turning to look at him. Immediately, a blush crept across his features and Harry flinched away, wishing that he had kept his mouth shut. It was already bad enough that he had all but accused Remus of not wanting him here in front of Sirius this afternoon, just because he had not thought that his former teacher could be talking about somebody else, and now he was asking superfluous questions about a topic Remus surely didn't even want to think about.

But the werewolf didn't look angry, – and neither did Sirius – instead Remus scratched his head and cocked it slightly to the side, a posture he took when he was really contemplating how to best answer a difficult question as Harry had learned during the year when Remus had taught Defence against the Dark Arts. Come to think about it, it was also a very canine gesture. Sirius used to cock his head in nearly the same way as Harry had realized this afternoon, and he had already seen this done by Padfoot as well.

Remus' voice pulled Harry out of his musings.

"I don't know if I can explain it well, but I'll do my best. You see Harry, the days prior to the full moon, nearly the entire week before the moon comes out, the wolf starts to pull stronger."

Harry frowned.

"It's there before the moon?"  
"The wolf? Moony is there all the time, Harry. Only that he's quite subdued for most of the month, but he's there. I can feel him when I get angry or stressed, then my patience wears thin quickly and I have to keep myself in tight check as to not to lose my temper."

Remus laughed when he saw the look of complete disbelief in Harry's eyes. He knew very well that most of the people who met him and didn't know his secret would never guess that he was sometimes struggling hard to control himself. The calm, quiet and deliberate Remus Lupin most people knew was no façade, he was real, but he was the result of years and decades of practice in self-restraint. If Sirius still remembered some of the episodes from their time at school, he could testify that Remus had not always been able to control himself that flawlessly.

"I know it sounds unbelievable, at least from how you have gotten to know me. As a werewolf it's quite advisable to learn and keep one's temper in check, for some strange reason the authorities don't feel too comfortable around choleric lycanthropes.

But what I wanted to say is that though I appear to be calm and controlled for most of the time, Moony is getting stronger and stronger during the days before the moon. It's harder to control myself during that time, the struggle for dominance in my mind is more straining. During the years I have learned that it's easier for me to keep myself if I refrain from straining physical activities during that time. Because if I tire myself out, I don't have the energy left to subdue the wolf.

Once the full moon is over and I have recovered, it is no effort to control the wolf anymore, at least not until new moon."

Remus shrugged.

"Moony is always quite content after he's been allowed to physically take over."

Harry nodded, a dumbstruck expression on his face. He had not wasted that many thoughts on Remus' lycanthropy and the possible symptoms that might come along with it, but somehow he had thought that the wolf surfaced during that one night a month and didn't really bother Remus during the remaining twenty-seven days. Only now that Remus had said it did Harry realize that his former teacher was obviously in a constant struggle for the control of his mind. How he was able to keep his reserved but ever friendly demeanour, Harry could only guess.

As if he had guessed Harry's thoughts, Remus smiled and answered the unspoken question.

"I think I would be quite a different person had I grown up without the wolf. Moony has become a huge part of myself, of who and what I am. The Remus Lupin you know doesn't exist without Moony, Harry."

Harry nodded again.

"Yes. I mean, it makes sense, only that I never looked at it from that point of view."

Remus laughed out loud.

"No, I wouldn't have expected you to. After all, the last time you were forced to worry about Moony, it was because you were in the danger of being shred to pieces by him."

His expression sobered immediately, underlining the undertone that what had happened in the night of the Shrieking Shack confrontation was not one of Remus' more delightful memories. His next words only confirmed that thought.

"However, I'll do anything I can that something like that won't happen again, ever. And please Harry, if you don't feel comfortable with the idea of having a werewolf in the basement next week, then say it. I can always visit my father or go to Hogwarts for the transformations."

Harry just shook his head.

"You have taken that potion, haven't you?"

Remus grimaced as if Harry was not evoking his most pleasant memories, then nodded.

"Yes, I have. And I will for the remaining five days until full moon."

Harry shrugged.

"You have taken your potion, Sirius is in the house to have an eye on you should something go wrong, and in case something happens which none of us foresaw, I can always take my broom and fly out of the window, or use the portkey to get out of the house. I don't really see why you should spend the night somewhere else, only because of me.

If you're not uncomfortable with having me in the house while you transform, then I won't stand in the way."

Remus boiled the water on the stove with a flick of his wand and then turned towards Harry again. 

"It's not that I am uncomfortable, Harry. I just don't want anything to happen while I'm transformed."

Harry shook his head.

"We just don't let anything happen, Remus."

Both grinned at each other until Sirius, who had deliberately remained silent during their conversation, asked the question that had been weighing on his mind ever since he had returned home.

"What's for dinner, Remus?"

Remus laughed out loud.

"I should have known, Padfoot. You've always been thinking with your stomach. I've spent a little longer at Hogwarts than I had wanted, but the seduction of having the library all for myself was just too big. Oh, by the way Harry, I have two books which might be immensely helpful for your Transfiguration homework this year. They're a bit more advanced than fourth year, but from what I remember, so are Minerva's essays. They're in my study, in case you need them."  
Remus paused and scratched his head, tracing the conversation back to the point where he had left off the topic. Getting lost in his thoughts was a regular occurrence with Remus once his thoughts turned towards books.

"Oh, yes. Food. Well, as I said, I came home a bit later than it was planned, and so I've settled on some quick pasta, if that's alright with you."  
Seeing both black-haired heads nod, Remus turned back towards the stove.

"Alright, I would not have expected anything different. Dinner should be ready in about ten, maybe fifteen minutes. Why don't you two go upstairs and", he gestured at their dishevelled appearances, "well, clean yourselves up a bit."

Harry and Sirius both willingly complied, and ten minutes later Harry was setting the kitchen table while Remus finished the food.

The ate in companionable silence, and halfway through dinner Harry felt his eyes dropping close. The day had not been all too exhausting, but the walks in the afternoon and the swimming in the lake for sure had tired him out.

Remus and Sirius watched his eyes drop close, head sinking down towards his chest only to snap up again in an attempt to stay awake with bemused expressions on their faces.

After this had repeated itself maybe five or six times, Sirius showed mercy with Harry. He got up from his chair and bent down towards his godson.

"Harry? Come on kid, time for bed."

He put his arm around Harry's shoulder and shook him slightly, but the only reaction this provoked was that Harry's head sank against Sirius' shoulder.

"Not tired."

Sirius smiled.

"That litany again? Come on, let's get you upstairs."

Harry only nodded into Sirius' shoulder, and didn't even voice any protest as his godfather put his other hand under his knees and lifted him up. By the time Sirius reached the spare bedroom, Harry was already fast asleep.

Sirius might not have been a morning person, on the contrary he was usually sleeping like a dead man until noon or early afternoon if nobody woke him up, but two years on the run from the Ministry officials did not leave his sleeping patterns unscathed. When it was already light outside and the short opening of an eye was enough to convince himself that he was safe and sound at Remus', Sirius was able to sleep deeply, but during the darker hours of the night it didn't take much to wake him up.

So he woke up after only the second time that Remus called him that night, sitting bolt upright in his bed, his hand automatically groping around for something to defend himself with. Sirius had yet to get used to having a wand again, and at the moment this was something Remus was thankful for. He didn't particularly like being cursed in the early morning hours.

"Shhh Sirius, it's just me. Remus."

In the dim light of the room Remus saw his friend's eyes look at him for some moments before realization and recognition dawned in those pale blue eyes. The black-haired man ran a hand across his face to get fully awake. He didn't need to ask why Remus had woken him up, after last night he had quite a good idea what this was all about.

"Harry?"

In the darkness, Remus nodded.

"Yes. He's thrashing around in his bed again."

Sirius nodded and climbed out of his bed.

"Then I'll better have a look at him. Maybe he's more talkative this night."

But not only the scene in Harry's bedroom that Sirius met upon opening the door was the same than the previous night, also Harry's mood to talk about his nightmare was the same as it had been.

Because a nightmare it had obviously been. Harry's sleeping clothes were drenched in sweat, and it was quite a struggle for Sirius to get him awake without scaring him to death. Just like last night, Harry had been raising his hands in his sleep as if to defend himself, and he had been mumbling 'no' all over again. 

Once Sirius had woken him up and Harry had collected himself enough to stop shaking, he flat out refused to talk about his nightmare. In fact, Harry said that all he remembered was that he *had* a nightmare, but not what it had been about.

Sirius didn't know Harry as well as he should have, but he already knew that Harry was a bad liar. Sirius didn't believe him one bit about not remembering his nightmare, but he guessed that Harry was the one who had to make the first step, whether Sirius liked it or not.

It stung a little, this lack of faith in Sirius. After all, Harry had been able to talk openly with him only this afternoon, but obviously this wasn't enough so that the teenager was willing to talk about what was really bothering him.

Well, last night Sirius had dealt with that the only way that had come to his mind, and though Sirius didn't know if it had helped any, he seriously doubted that it had harmed Harry.

And if the kid didn't want to talk tonight either, he got hugged again. Period. Sirius had absolutely no problem with continuing this every night until his godson would finally start to talk.

Sirius thought that Harry needed to be shown a lot more affection anyhow, and if it had to be via nightly hugging, then so be it. He was perfectly aware that this would not chase away the demons that were haunting Harry, but if it gave the teenager just a little more sense of comfort, maybe enough that he'd be able to talk about all of it some day soon, then Sirius was more than willing to spend parts of his nights awake at his godson's side.

Harry was still a little reluctant to accept physical affection and comfort from Sirius, but he had the feeling that it was getting better. And, after all, they were only living together for two days now, they still had most of the holiday in front of them.

Sirius stayed in Harry's room until he was sure that the teenager had calmed enough to sleep again. He would have waited out until Harry had fallen asleep, but he guessed that his godson might feel even more embarrassed about the whole nightly situation than he already did. So, when Harry had finally stopped shaking and looked ready to go back to sleep again, Sirius wished him a good night and left Harry's bedroom again towards his and Remus' to deliver the teenager's apology for waking the werewolf.

This nightly procedure repeated itself every night for the following four days. Every night, Remus woke to the sounds of Harry thrashing around in his bed across the hall, every night he woke up Sirius and sent him over to look after his godson. Every night, Sirius went over, woke Harry up and asked him about the nightmare, and every night Harry refused to talk about it. So every of those nights, Sirius had to settle on giving his godson a reassuring hug and go to bed again, not without delivering Harry's apology for waking Remus up.

If Sirius had hoped that Harry might be more talkative during the day, he was disappointed as well. Though his godson indeed talked a lot more openly when it wasn't dark anymore, he always pretended that his nightly nightmares didn't happen at all. The three inhabitants of Remus' cottage spent the days in a pleasurable mixture of laziness, Harry's homework, Quidditch training, chess games and storytelling, but not a word was lost about whatever it was that was bothering Harry so deeply.

The night before full moon, it wasn't Remus who woke Sirius up in the middle of the night. The night before a full moon was always Remus' last chance of getting some rest and gather his strength for the transformation, and that was the one night during which it was more difficult to wake Remus than it was to throw Sirius out of bed on a rainy November morning. 

But nevertheless something woke Sirius in the middle of the night, and at first he had absolutely no idea what it had been. There was no disturbing sound coming from outside, Remus was sleeping soundly in the bed next to his, and as much as he strained his ears Sirius could not hear any sounds from his godson's room.

It took him some long moments to realize that the door to his and Remus' bedroom was standing ajar and a head with messy hair was looking through the gap.

"Harry?"

The figure didn't answer, so Sirius ran a hand over his sleepy face as if to convince himself that his eyes were not playing tricks on him. But no matter how often he blinked, the scrawny figure of his godson was standing in the doorway.

"Harry? What's wrong?"

Sirius immediately jumped to his feet and hurried over towards the pyjama-clad figure of his godson.

"Harry, are you alright? Don't you feel well?"

He put a hand on Harry's forehead to check the temperature and smoothed some strands of hair away from the teenager's face with the other. Harry just shook his head.

"No, I'm fine. At least not sick, I think."

Harry's eyes quickly darted towards Remus' bed and back again.

"I...I didn't want to wake any of you, but I couldn't sleep."

Sirius smiled.

"It's alright, kiddo. It's alright. Remus sleeps unusually deep during the night before the full moon, you didn't wake him."

"Yes, but I woke you."

Sirius frowned.

"Well, but didn't you want that? I don't think you only came into our bedroom to watch me sleep, did you?"  
Harry smiled slightly and shook his head.

"No. I...I couldn't sleep, and I thought that...well, you said that I could come if...something was wrong, or if I wanted to talk..."

Sirius put a hand on Harry's shoulder and squeezed it gently.

"It's alright, Harry. Let's go downstairs, okay? I'll make us some hot chocolate, and you tell me what's bothering you."

Sirius carefully steered Harry out into the dark corridor and lit his newly acquired wand so that Harry would not stumble on the stairs. Once safely arrived in the kitchen, he lit the lamps and set to the task of searching the right ingredients for the hot chocolate. Once he had located the mild and chocolate powder, he heated up the milk, filled everything in a pot and added two cups and a rather large box of crackers which he found in one of the cupboards and levitated everything into the living room. 

Both sat down on the sofa, chocolate and crackers in front of them and immediately a not all that comfortable silence settled over the room. Sirius quickly started a small fire in the fireplace, providing just enough light for them to see each other without completely lightening the room. Then he summoned the large light blanket that lay neatly folded on the armrest of one of the armchairs.

During the past days Sirius had developed a good feeling for the wand Dumbledore had brought him, and with a bit help from Remus' books and during the past days also from Remus himself he had been able to freshen up most of his knowledge when it came to spells.

It had not been hard for him to understand why, according to Harry, Remus had been the best teacher ever at Hogwarts. Of course, all other Defence teachers had been complete failures, but Remus' calm, ever-patient demeanour that didn't falter no matter how badly Sirius had blotched the spells had been immensely assuring. Once or twice, when Sirius had had real problems with some of the more tricky spells, Remus had explained them patiently, going into the magical theory just as much as it was needed without turning it into a boring lecture.

For the sake of Harry's protection, they had also practiced some duelling during the past two days and Merlin, Sirius had already forgotten what a tough dueller his old friend could be. Absent-mindly, he rubbed his lower abdomen where he swore he could still feel the after-effect of one of Remus' more nasty curses which he hadn't been able to deflect in time.

The silence remained hanging in the air, and when Sirius put his wand on the table and looked over at his godson, a smile spread across his face.

Harry was sitting there, leaning against the armrest, his legs folded underneath the blanket on the sofa in front of him. His chocolate all but forgotten he sat there, eyes threatening to drop close any moment now.

"Harry?"

The green eyes flickered open again and darted around for a moment before they settled on Sirius.

"What…where…oh, sorry Sirius."

"Nothing to be sorry for, kid. I just have a hard time believing that you can't sleep when you're sitting here, barely able to keep your eyes open."

"Sorry, Sirius. I didn't mean to, I mean…I shouldn't have woken you up, I know you'd rather sleep now."

Sirius was taken aback. He had known already that Harry didn't want to worry anybody overly with his own concerns, but he guessed that if the teenager had woken him then it was already a worry of the bigger kind plaguing him. And now he wanted to send him away again, just because he could not make sense out of that behaviour? It didn't really help Sirius in finding a better understanding for his godson's actions.

"It's perfectly alright Harry. Don't apologize, please. I was just wondering why you can't sleep when it's obvious that you're dead tired."

Harry shrugged, suddenly very self-conscious as to why exactly he had woken his godfather in the middle of the night. As if those nightmares weren't already bad enough, but he had been able to live with them when he had still been at Privet Drive. At least there they hadn't woken anybody up, he had never been *that* loud. It wouldn't be a problem here either, come to think of it, were it not for Remus' extremely sensitive hearing. Harry already had a bad conscience for waking him up every night, no matter how much the older man claimed that it didn't bother him at all. But it bothered Harry, and truth be told he would prefer it if the two adults would just ignore his nightly thrashing. But no, Sirius came and woke him every night, and every night he would sit on the edge of Harry's mattress, asking him to tell what it was that was bothering him. Merlin only knew what his godfather had to be thinking about him now. He was nearly fifteen years old for fuck's sake. Even if he had nightmares, it should not be bothering anybody.

The question why he had woken Sirius up at all crossed his mind. Truth be told, his nightmares had become more and more livid throughout the past nights. Harry was tired, sure, but he just didn't *want* to sleep if he only woke up sweat-drenched an hour later anyway. He didn't want to close his eyes, he didn't want to see Cedric's death over and over again. Of course he had earned it, after all Cedric could never have any nightmares again even if he wanted to, because he was dead, dead because Harry had killed him. But Harry just couldn't bear it anymore. His everyday routine of pushing away bedtime as far as possible was no mere act of childishness anymore, it was the dread of going through that horrible night time and time again. The only constant good thing about it had been the reassuring presence of his godfather every night. At first, Harry had been pretty embarrassed by Sirius' the hugging-tactics, but he had to admit that it had helped immensely.

And this evening when he had gone to bed and hadn't even been able to close his eyes for more than a minute without scaring himself bolt upright again as soon as consciousness started to flee, the urge to go over into the other bedroom and wake Sirius up had been too strong. Like a small child, Harry had wanted nothing but to seek out Sirius and let his godfather's physical presence chase away the demons that were haunting him. For more than three hours Harry had fought the struggle, but in the end had given in and sought out his godfather as his source of comfort. And right now he couldn't feel more childish about it.

Sirius had told him a week ago that he wanted to get to know Harry again, that he wanted to find out what kind of person he had become, but even despite his reassurance that it wasn't so Harry was afraid that Sirius might not like what he found once he had figured Harry out. Heck, Sirius was a grown up man with really enough worries of his own, he didn't need a nearly fifteen year old godson who behaved like a baby to top it all.

"Harry?"

Startled at being ripped out of his thoughts, Harry turned his head towards his lap and pulled the blanket up to his chin. Sirius sighed. This was turning out more and more complicated. As it became obvious that Harry wouldn't speak at the moment, Sirius decided to do it himself.

"You don't need to talk if you don't want to, you know? We can also just sit here for a while."

Again, Harry only shrugged as a response. Sirius looked at the teenager for some more moments, watched him cast his eyes down in embarrassment and finally decided that he could as well be straight forward with what he was thinking. 

"That you couldn't sleep was not the problem tonight, was it?"

Harry flinched a little, but only shrugged. Again.

"I think that you *are* tired and want to sleep, but that you don't want to have those nightmares again. Right?"

A barely noticeable nod of the head was more than enough of an answer for Sirius, but he didn't want to leave it at that.

"Harry, please look at me."

Slowly, the teenager rose his head and stared at a point somewhere behind Sirius' left ear. His green eyes were shining suspiciously in the dim light of the fire, but Sirius knew better than to comment on that. He wanted to reassure the kid, not embarrass him any further.

"Harry, it's alright. It's nothing to be ashamed of. What you've been through during the past years has been no small deal, I'd be more worried if it didn't bother you at all."

"I just want to get it out of my head. I don't want to see it anymore, don't want to think about it anymore. But I can't and I haven't earned to."

It took no genius to figure out what Harry was talking about, and Sirius was far from being dumb.

"Harry, it's only been slightly less than two months, you can't expect it to be better within such a short time."

The haunted look in the teenager's eyes sent shivers down Sirius' spine. No fourteen year old should have so much pain in his gaze.

"It will never go away, Sirius. I don't think that it will ever get better."

Sirius sighed.

"No Harry, it will never go away. That this kid – Cedric, wasn't it? – is dead is tragic, and it hurts, and it will never go away. He is dead, and nobody can change that. We can only learn to live with it and try to learn how to remember him without the pain. But it will get better, Harry. You only have to give it time, and you have to learn seeing it differently."

Harry snorted.

"Why should I see it any differently? I know what happened, there's no need to see it any different."

"I think there is. Because I'm convinced that you see things wrongly."

Harry laughed mirthlessly.

"What is there that I possibly don't see right? I've been there, Sirius. That's the problem. I've been there, and I've seen what happened. I've told Cedric to take that blasted cup together, and not five minutes later he was dead. And to top it all I've let myself get tied to a tombstone and aid in the resurrection of the world's most evil wizard of the past century. What exactly is there that I should see differently, there is nothing that could make all this shit less terrible."

Without realizing it, Harry's voice had grown louder with each word until he had shouted out the last part. Sirius had watched all this without as much as blinking.

"You blame yourself."

It was a statement, not a question. Harry harrumphed harshly.

"Who else is there to blame? Without me, Cedric would still be alive. Without me, Voldemort would still be nothing more than a grotesque creature without any power except from the power to order Wormtail around. Without me, none of that shit would have happened!"

"Without you Harry, the wizarding world would have been at war for the past thirteen years and many of us, your friends, Dumbledore, Remus and I included, would probably not even be alive anymore. But I never hear you talk about that."

"Because that has been nothing I have done. It's all been because of what Mum has done, not me. I only screwed up everything that she sacrificed herself for."

Sirius nodded knowingly.

"Ah, so you *did* trick your way into the Tournament like everybody suspected, because you so desperately wanted to stand in the spotlight."

Harry resolutely shook his head.

"Of course not!"

"But you did offer Cedric to take that cup together, fully well knowing it was a portkey designed to bring you – and *only* you – into Voldemort's lair?"

"No, and you know that."

"Then did you at least go up to that cauldron and add your blood willingly so that Voldemort could get another body again?"  
"Sirius, you know that I didn't do all that. Not the way you put it, at least. And now would you kindly stop whatever it is you're trying, because I really don't know what you're driving at."

"What I'm driving at is that you didn't want to be in that Tournament in the first place. Crouch enrolled you and if there is somebody to blame for it then it's him, or maybe Dumbledore and the other judges because they let you participate in it.

And when you suggested Cedric to take that cup together after you both fought so hard throughout the tournament, it wasn't because you wanted to harm him. You wanted to be fair, you wanted to leave the victory to him and when he refused, you both wanted to share it. None of you would have touched that cup if you had known what the outcome of it would be."

Harry made an attempt to speak, but Sirius shrugged him off.

"No, let me finish this, Harry. When both of you arrived at that graveyard, you didn't know what to expect. Heck, you even guessed that this was another part of that blasted task. You just didn't *know*. Cedric was in the wrong place at the wrong time, Voldemort ordered him to be killed because he didn't have any use for him. Because Voldemort is a cruel and heartless incarnation of evil. 

There was nothing you could have done, Harry. Boy Who Lived or not, you are nothing more than a teenager. An underage wizard who hasn't even finished school yet. There was just no way to defend yourself against a fully educated wizard when it comes to it. It was with sheer luck that you escaped with your life.

What happened that night was tragic, it was traumatic and I would not wish anybody to go through something like this, but fact is that none of what happened was something that you caused. Voldemort is out there playing a gigantic game of chess with other people's lives, and sometimes it's just impossible to foresee his next move. There are times when we just can't help the things we get involved in, and though I know that it's difficult and that it hurts, sometimes you just have to accept that there are situations in which you are absolutely powerless, no matter how much or how desperately you want to change them. Sometimes we're just helpless and have to stand by and watch tragedy strike, and we can only hope that it'll make sense someday, in the greater picture. When it stops hurting."

Harry just shook his head and got up from the sofa. For a moment Sirius feared that he was heading back to his room and that his whole speech had been absolutely in vain, but he soon realized that the teenager only started pacing in front of the fireplace. After walking the length of the room for about five times up and down, Harry ran his hands through his hair and sighed in frustration.

"How can I think like that, Sirius? How can I think that maybe one day Cedric's death will make sense?"

Sirius looked at his godson intensely and finally shrugged his shoulders dejectedly.

"I'm afraid that I don't have the answers, Harry. But I am convinced that one day all this shit will be over and Voldemort will be gone for good. And I promise you that thinking about Cedric's death will then be different. It won't hurt as much as it does now, but only if you allow yourself to heal."

Harry stared into the fireplace for a moment, then he sank back onto the sofa and pulled his knees up to his chest again. Defiantly, he shook his head.

"It should have been me, not him. We'd all be better of if it had been me. Voldemort would not have been able to resurrect himself, Cedric would still be alive and with his friends and family. *That* would make sense."

Sirius closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, fighting down the unpleasant memories Harry's words provoked. He didn't even want to imagine Harry's last statement being true. During the night of the Third Task, he had been hiding at Hagrid's Hut, disguised as Padfoot. And though he had not been able to see what was going on inside of the maze, he had heard the crowd gasp and shout, he had seen the red sparks being shot into the air as a signal that there was somebody in trouble, and he had heard the commotion at the end of the task. By the time Harry had followed Moody inside the castle, Padfoot's sensitive ears had snatched bits and pieces of conversation, and Sirius had known that somebody had died during the event. His first thought being that it had been Harry. When McGonagall had come to fetch him from Hagrid's, that extremely shocked and disturbed expression on her otherwise stern looking face, Sirius had believed the worst coming true.

For half an hour, while he had been waiting in Dumbledore's office for somebody to tell him what exactly had happened, Sirius had believed that something serious had happened to Harry. And during those thirty minutes he had realized that this was an event he could not live with. If something happened to Harry, Sirius had no reason left to live on. Whether he knew it or not, ever since his escape from Azkaban the teenager had become Sirius' lifeline, his one single purpose to go on despite all the odds being against him. Surely, there was still Remus, but even though his old friend meant a lot to Sirius, far more than he'd ever admit into the other's face, he didn't hold the same position in his heart as Harry did. Remus could do on his own, he didn't need Sirius to go on. He had lived on his own for fourteen years. Probably, he'd even be better off on his own again, after all he had gotten used to not having Sirius around. But Harry, though the teenager had also been forced to go through everything on his own, needed Sirius. At least Sirius hoped that Harry did. Harry needed to be allowed to be a normal kid for once, to have somebody around who cared and who paid attention to what was going on in his life, and Sirius was desperate to finally fill that position.

That's why the thought that he could have lost Harry before he even had the chance to start with it had scared the wits out of Sirius during those thirty minutes in Dumbledore's office.

It had taken every bit of self-restraint not to run over and hug Harry as soon as the teenager had entered the office at Dumbledore's side, a little tired and worse for wear, but alive and at least physically unharmed as far as he could see. 

Sirius shook his head. He didn't even want to imagine how close he had come to losing Harry that night. 

"Harry, if Voldemort had not killed you, Cedric would not have survived either. The moment he touched that cup, his fate was sealed. Voldemort would have never let him get away. But even in the unlikely case that you had died and he had escaped, what would have been better about that? Nothing, Harry.

Cedric would be alive, true, and he would still be with his friends and family. They wouldn't have to mourn for him. But I bet you he'd be going through the same that you're going through now. He'd be feeling guilty for your death, thinking over and over again what he could have done to save you. Cedric would feel responsible just like you do, Harry. He's been older than you, more advanced in his magic. He'd think that it had been his task to protect you, the younger one who had just slipped into the tournament by accident. But you might say that it would be better for him to feel guilty than to be dead, right?"

Harry nodded slowly.

"Why doesn't the same thing apply for you, kiddo? Why isn't it better for you to feel guilty than to be dead? Why do you insist that everything would have been better if it had been the other way around?

Because it wouldn't have.

Voldemort might not have resurrected himself that night, but he would surely have done it sooner or later. He didn't need to take *your* blood Harry. He did it because he wanted and needed to show that the one time you brought him down was nothing but mere coincidence. He could have taken anybody's blood, but he chose to take yours to convince his followers and Dumbledore that he was able to do it, despite all the protection around you. Had you died before he completed the rite, Voldemort would have taken somebody else to complete it.

And did you spend just one thought on how your friends would feel if you had died? How Ron and Hermione would be feeling? How Remus or I would be feeling? And no, don't even start to say something like 'Ron and Hermione have other friends as well, they'd get used to it' or 'Remus and you don't know me well enough to miss me much' because we both know those are lies. You're Ron's best friend and believe me that the death of one's best friend is nothing that ever becomes bearable. Neither for Ron nor for Hermione. As for Remus and me, I already told you a couple of days ago that you're not just an inconvenience and a reminder of a long-dead friend of ours for us, but so much more. So there would already be four people who would be completely devastated by your death.

Harry, you can't weigh one person's life against somebody else's. It just doesn't work. And you can't change the past. As hard as it sounds, there's no use in thinking along 'what ifs', it just doesn't work. Cedric is dead, that's the cruel reality, and now we have to learn and live with it. And if you're feeling guilty about his death, then you have to learn to deal with that as well. The guilt and pain won't just vanish on their own, they'll only get better once you realize what really happened that night, what was there that you could have done and what was there that you couldn't have done. The first step being that you accept that there was nothing you could have done to prevent Cedric's death. Nothing."

Sirius gently cupped Harry's chin with his hand and forced the teenager to look into his eyes. He deliberately ignored the tears that were streaming down Harry's face.

"Nothing, Harry. Nothing you could do."

Sirius knew that this wasn't it. It would take Harry a lot longer to completely understand and especially accept that indeed there had been nothing in his power to change the course of events a month ago. But given time he eventually would understand it, he would realize that what he had done that night had already been far more than anybody would have expected a fourteen year old teenager to manage. Harry had been lucky to come out of this alive, and if he allowed himself to see things as they were, he'd eventually start to heal. That's why Sirius was more than just relieved when he saw Harry give a small, barely noticeable nod of the head. The older man let go off Harry's face and moved his hand across Harry's back in and encouraging rub. He could feel the lithe frame beneath his hand shake with a suppressed sob.

"Crying is nothing bad, Harry. Sometimes it's the only way to let it all out, all the tension, frustration and pain. No need to think that it's childish, and even if it were you'd still be entitled for a good long cry after all you've been through."

Harry just shook his head, biting his lower lip tightly in a desperate attempt to get his body's reactions back under control. He failed miserably and his chin started to tremble. 

Sirius framed the teenager's face with his hands again and forced him to look into his eyes.

"Harry, you don't have to hold back just because you think I or somebody else will think less of you. Everybody who is at least a tad bit sane and reasonable knows that there are times when you just need to be weak and let others be strong for you. 

Remus up there is the proudest and most stubborn person I think I've ever met, but even he used to allow others to take care of him after the full moon because he knew he was too weak to do so on his own. 

There are a lot of people out there who love you, Harry, and we all are willing to do anything in our power to help you pull through this. You just have to let us in. You don't have to be afraid to be weak because we're here to catch you if you need it, alright? You don't have to pretend to be stronger than you are when all you really want is for once hand over the weight on your shoulders to somebody else."

Sirius stroke Harry's cheeks with his thumbs and pulled the teenager towards his chest even as Harry nodded and let the first sob course freely through his body.

During the previous nights when Sirius had hugged Harry he had wondered when the boy would ever learn to receive physical affection. He had always seemed surprised by the touch, and though he had not stiffened when Sirius had hugged him he had also never hugged back. Not so this night. Harry clung to Sirius as if his godfather was the only thing that kept him from drowning. His face was buried in the fabric of Sirius' t-shirt, his hands were gripping Sirius' back and holding on tightly.

All Sirius could do while Harry was crying for all he was worth was rubbing soothing circles across his godson's back and muttering reassuring phrases into his ear. It hurt Sirius nearly physically to see how much pain, anger and fear Harry seemed to have accumulated inside of him, it hurt and made him even angrier towards all those who had hurt Harry over the past years than he had been before. But Harry needed to let it all out and all Sirius could do was give him a steady shoulder to cry on. That was all that counted at the moment. He didn't know how long Harry cried, and actually it didn't matter. What mattered was that the teenager finally gave in and let out everything he had held back for far too long already. 

After what seemed like a small eternity, Harry's sobbing became gradually less and eventually his breathing evened out, indicating that he had fallen asleep. 

Sirius sighed and stretched back into the armrest of the sofa as far as possible without stirring Harry too much. The way it looked now, he was in for a night on the rather uncomfortable sofa, because every movement of getting up would only wake Harry up again. Sirius carefully shifted Harry into a more comfortable position, picked up his wand and performed a helpful little charm that would keep them from falling off the sofa somewhere in the night, and after adjusting the blanket around his godson and wrapping his arms around him leaned back and closed his eyes. He was asleep within minutes.

Remus woke up with the comfortable feeling of somebody who had slept longer than he usually did. The clock on his bedside table told him that it was _'bloody early, so go back to bed old wolf'_, and Remus turned around to give Sirius a piece of his mind about using his clock as an object for magical practice. Only that Sirius was not lying in his bed.

Remus frowned. He didn't know exactly what time it was, but he guessed that it was somewhat around half past eight in the morning. And usually, nothing short of a minor catastrophe would get Sirius out of bed before it was ten.

As he could not sleep anymore now anyway, Remus got out of bed and quickly changed his pyjamas for a jeans and a t-shirt. He could always take a shower later, when he had solved the mystery of where Sirius had gone to. For a moment Remus contemplated whether he should check in Harry's room first, but then he thought that if the teenager wasn't already awake and downstairs anyway, he could as well let him sleep some more. 

His study was empty – no surprise there – as was the kitchen. The counter looked a little as if a small tornado had raged there, telling Remus that Sirius had tried to cook something. Hot chocolate, from the looks of it. He'd have to talk to the other about their _'stay_ _away from my kitchen or I will have to hurt you'_ arrangement again. Though he wondered which part of it Sirius could have possibly misunderstood.

When he came into the living room, Remus didn't even bother to suppress his smile. 

Sirius was there, half-lying, half-sitting on the sofa, still fast asleep. Nestled against him, a blanket tightly wrapped around his body and the first really content and peaceful look Remus had seen on him in ages on his face, was Harry. It looked as if the only thing that kept Harry from falling to the floor were Sirius' arms, and the only thing that kept Sirius from falling was...well, Remus guessed that his friend had somehow managed to beat gravity. Because there was no other explanation why he hadn't fallen off the sofa so far. For a short moment, Remus contemplated whether he should...but no. That wasn't fair. Not with Harry on the sofa as well, that would probably only serve to give the teenager a heart-attack or something. Remus would have to save his mischief for the next time he'd have to wake Sirius alone.

The smile still on his face, Remus went back into the kitchen to prepare breakfast. The best trick yet to get Sirius awake was the smell of food, if memory served him right.

Sirius stirred slightly as consciousness slowly returned. At first, he wondered immensely why he seemingly woke up before Remus saw fit to fulfil that job. He soon realized that he obviously wasn't lying in his bed, either. At least the last time he had checked, his bed had not had an armrest that was uncomfortably poking into his lower back. And if Remus' transfiguration skills had not lessened over the years, then it was also highly improbable that his bed had changed back into its former state at some point during the night.

The next thing Sirius became aware of was that of a warm weight pressing onto his chest. For a moment, the complete loss of orientation and the realization that something – or rather someone – living was lying atop of him made Sirius panic and he ripped his eyes open. His frantic gaze took in the surroundings while his still half-asleep brain tried to process the information that was sent in by the eyes. He soon recognized the room as the living room in Remus' small cottage. But why was he here and not upstairs in the bedroom he shared with his old time friend?

The weight that was half-lying on his chest shifted slightly, making Sirius look down. All he saw at first was a distinctly human-shaped form that was wrapped tightly in a blue woollen blanket and a mop of jet black hair sticking out on top of it. But that was enough for Sirius to recognize the other person on the sofa as Harry and immediately memory of the previous night returned. Of course. Harry had woken him and they had gone downstairs. How could he have forgotten that?

'Sirius, old buddy, you're slowly getting old. Won't take much longer and you'll discover the first grey hairs.'

Deciding that he didn't like the tone of his inner voice this morning, Sirius tried to focus on the more urgent questions that were bothering him.

First, what had woken him up?

He had two answers to that question, and both of them led directly to another, even more difficult question. The first answer was the smell of freshly made coffee and bacon that was drifting into the room from the kitchen, and that this what had woken him. Remus was preparing breakfast. The second answer was that he needed to go to the loo. Urgently.

And both that answers led to the question how on earth he was supposed to get off this sofa without waking Harry up. He could levitate him up, but that would surely wake the teenager. Well, it wouldn't if he put a nice little sleeping charm on Harry first, but though Sirius didn't know that much about parenting in general, he guessed that his godson would not appreciate to be conveniently put aside by magic. Sirius' second possibility was calling for help. He wouldn't need to shout, if Remus was in the kitchen his excellent hearing would even catch a loud whisper. But calling Remus for help would seriously damage his dignity.

Sirius closed his eyes and silently counted to twenty, hoping that the world would look different afterwards. Upon reaching twenty he opened his eyes again and bit his lower lip. No, hadn't worked. But now he *really* needed to go to the loo.

"Remus!"

Scratch dignity. His dignity would surely get even more damaged if he wetted himself right now. A low chuckle from the door to his right made Sirius turn his head. Remus was standing there, barefoot, wearing jeans and t-shirt, his arms crossed over his chest and a perfectly smug grin on his face. Sirius scowled into his direction.

"Good morning, Padfoot. I'm rather surprised to see you awake already."

Sirius scowled some more, which made Remus only grin even more smugly.

"Is there anything I can do to help you, Sirius?"

Sirius growled lowly.

"I need to go to the bathroom."

"I dare hope that you don't need me to help you with *that*. Sirius, you're thirty-six years old, if you can't do that alone by now it might be better for Padfoot to be put down."

With his free right hand, Sirius made a very rude gesture into the direction of his friend, but not even that could lessen Remus' extremely cheerful mood this morning.

"I am very able to do that on my own, thank you very much. My problem is that I'm in a bit of a tight spot right now. Meaning: it's urgent. And for that I have to make Harry leave my chest. Which is where you come into the plan."

Remus just shook his head.

"Sirius, I don't want to feed my reputation as a know-it-all, but have you tried *waking* him?"

Sirius sighed and rolled his eyes dramatically.

"The whole point of you helping me here is *not* to wake him. Otherwise I could do it on my own and we wouldn't have this discussion right now. Which, I might add, is taking away more and more time which I don't have."

Remus laughed.

"As much as I'd like to help you, I think that waking Harry up is the only possibility you have right now. Besides, it's nearly nine and he'll probably wake up soon anyway."

Seeing that he was fighting a losing battle – against Remus as well as his bladder – Sirius sighed and gently nudged Harry's shoulder and rubbed across the teenager's back once with his other hand. Slowly, Harry stirred. Sirius nudged him again and a moment later a bleary green eye looked out from between the messy hair and the blanket. It obviously took Harry some moments as well to realize where he was, who was lying under him and how he had ended up in this situation. As the memory returned and Harry realized that not only Sirius, but also Remus was here to witness how he had cuddled up to Sirius like a small child for the entire night, Harry blushed and immediately tried to push himself into a sitting position. Relieving Sirius of his weight would have helped the older man immensely, had the teenager not accidentally pushed one of his knees into Sirius' lower abdomen in the process. With a muffled yelp Sirius jumped to his feet and ran out of the room at a speed that rivalled Padfoot on a rabbit chase. Harry stared after his godfather with a completely confused expression on his face while Remus could not hide his grin any longer. Harry tiredly rubbed his eyes and tried to start his brain making sense of things again.

"'Morning, Remus."

"Good morning, Harry."

"What was that all about?"

Harry gestured vaguely at the spot Sirius had only a moment ago occupied and then at the door through which his godfather had left. Remus grinned some more.

"Well Harry, older people tend to have bladder problems. And the fact that he didn't want to wake you didn't exactly help him to lessen his discomfort."  
Harry blushed a little.

"I should not have kept him down here all night. I didn't even mean to sleep in here at all."

Remus looked at Harry, taking in the red-rimmed eyes with the dark shadows underneath, remembered the content and untroubled way Harry had been sleeping in Sirius' arms and thought that whatever had happened between those two last night had been both a good and a necessary thing. He waved dismissively at Harry.

"I wouldn't worry about that. When I came in this morning, you were not the only one who looked quite comfortable with the sleeping arrangements. Until Sirius' bladder took over, that is."

He grinned again and then turned back towards the kitchen.

"Breakfast is ready, why don't you come over?"

Harry frowned.

"In my pyjamas?"  
Remus turned around and looked at Harry as if the teenager had suddenly grown a second head.

"Harry, this is not Hogwarts. None of us really bothers *what* you're wearing for breakfast, and I highly doubt that Sirius will take the time to dress up once he has caught the scent of something edible. Wear your pyjamas, muggle clothes, your robes, heck, you can even wear a cocktail dress if you like."

Remus made a step towards the kitchen, then stopped, turned on his heels and looked at Harry with a somewhat confused expression on his face.

"Forget the cocktail dress. It was more a figure of speech."

He vanished into the kitchen and Harry slowly rose from the sofa, wondering if any of his friends were living in similarly weird (in a nearly completely positive sense) circumstances.

Within an hour after a lazy and long-stretched breakfast everybody in the Lupin-Potter-Black household was showered, shaved if necessary, combed if possible and dressed in muggle clothing of the non-cocktail dress style. And from then on the day went on like the previous week had done, at least for Harry. He spent two hours in the morning with doing his Potions essay, so that he wouldn't need to bother with it in the afternoon. He planned on spending it with more pleasant things. 

It didn't take Harry very long after he had packed up his homework and left his room shortly before noon to realize that this wasn't a normal day for everybody in the house. Truly, he had seen Remus on a couple of full-moon days before, but then he had not known about his lycanthropy and had not paid any attention to his behaviour. Now he realized quite quickly what Remus had meant with 'the wolf's pull getting stronger'. 

Usually, Remus spent most of his mornings in his study, reading copies of suspicious letters that had been intercepted by somebody close to Dumbledore or doing researches that had to do with leafing through old and dusty volumes that were written in what Harry would not have immediately recognized as human languages. Harry had often wondered how somebody – except from Hermione of course – could find the patience to get completely absorbed in books and mind-work.

But patience didn't seem to be one of Remus' virtues today. One moment he was sitting in an armchair reading a book, the next moment he was standing in the kitchen, needlessly cleaning the counter for the umpteenth time. And then there was the pacing. Harry had seen Sirius pace a lot during their brief meeting in the cave near Hogwarts last year, and already back then he had attributed this to the fact that his godfather had spent a lot of time in his canine form. Now he saw his suspicion confirmed because whenever Remus wasn't trying to distract himself with very little success, he was pacing to and fro as if he wanted to burn holes into the carpets around his house.

Sirius, Harry realized, was also behaving differently. Usually, he was either practicing whatever spells he considered useful or he hung around where Harry was and tried to spend time with his godson. Today, he was never far away from where Remus was pacing at the moment, constantly watching his old friend with a strange mixture of concern, attentiveness and some other emotions Harry didn't recognize on his face. He didn't do anything to interrupt Remus in whatever it was that he was doing, but he was always watching his friend attentively. Harry could not imagine any real reason why his godfather would need to watch Remus *all* the time, but he guessed that Sirius was just concerned about Remus' wellbeing. 

Mealtimes passed more quickly and silently as the day advanced. Neither Sirius nor Remus ate very much, they rather picked around on their plates.

Harry shortly thought about suggesting Sirius to play a game of wizard's chess after dinner, but quickly dismissed this thought again. It would be a good opportunity to win against his godfather, no doubt about that, but it would not really be fun to play against him if Sirius' mind was completely elsewhere. So instead, Harry grabbed the copy of the Daily Prophet that was lying on the low table in front of the sofa and started to read. He was halfway through the sports pages (and it wasn't looking good for the Chudley Canons – again) when Sirius' voice interrupted him.

"Harry?"

He put the paper down and looked first at Remus then at his godfather. Sirius was looking back at him, but Remus had merely stopped his pacing and was now standing in front of the fireplace, his arms crossed on the mantelpiece and his forehead leaned against them.

"Yes?"  
"It's time to go upstairs now."

The clock on the mantelpiece showed that it was nine o'clock. Moonrise was at 9.27. Remus and Sirius needed to prepare...well, whatever it was that they had to prepare before moonrise and for that they needed to make sure that he was upstairs first. Harry nodded and got up from the sofa.

"Sure. I'll see you in the morning, then."

Harry started to walk towards the door, but stopped as he passed by Remus. He didn't really know what to say, but he felt the need to say *something*. Not because he pitied Remus for what he was about to go through – though he wouldn't wish to go through his himself only once – but because he wanted to show his former teacher that though he wasn't used to the thought of having a werewolf in the basement while he slept, he also didn't feel too bothered by it and only hoped that Remus would get out of this relatively unharmed tonight. But how to put that into words?

"Take care Remus, alright?"  
Remus lifted his head from his hands and looked up, forcing himself to smile at the teenager. 

"I will. Don't worry about me. Good night, Harry."

"Night, Remus."

As soon as Harry had gone upstairs, Sirius went out into the hall and warded the staircase with the strongest blocking spells he knew. That should be enough to stop Moony from going after Harry in the unlikely case that the werewolf could free himself out of the basement. He'd do the same with the stairs leading down as soon as Remus was inside the locked room.

Fifteen minutes before moonrise, Remus and Sirius went into the basement together. Sirius was not surprised that he could still read his old friend even though they had been apart for over a decade. The wolf didn't change his behaviour that much, he realized, and neither did its influence on its human host. Remus was unusually quiet and subdued during the minutes before the moon rose, and Sirius knew that the only reason for that was an immense struggle of willpower Remus was fighting out against Moony. He forcibly kept the wolf down as much as he could until he was safely locked away.

"Are you really sure that you don't want to have Padfoot's company tonight?"  
Remus turned in the basement doorway and looked at Sirius, his amber eyes already glowing with the savage crudeness of the beast he was carrying within himself for over thirty years now. The beast he was constantly fighting down so that it would not take over his mind and actions. Remus shook his head.

"No. I'll be fine on my own, you need to look after Harry. In case somebody attacks tonight, it would be too risky to have you locked in the cellar with me."

Slowly, Sirius nodded. He didn't like the idea of Remus spending the full moon alone, he had seen too often what the wolf's rage could do to his friend's body if nobody was there to stop him in the past, and though both Albus and Remus had reassured him that the potion took away all those effects, Sirius didn't trust in the brew. After all, Snape had prepared it. *Snape*. But he did see the reason behind Remus' words. He was right, as always.

"It's time, Sirius."

Remus handed over his wand and then, reluctantly, shrugged out of his robe and trousers which he also handed Sirius so that Moony wouldn't shred them to pieces. As soon as he realized that he was standing naked in front of Sirius, he blushed. It was ridiculous, really. Sirius had seen him naked uncountable times. They had shared a dormitory for seven years, shared the showers there, they had been living together for four years afterwards, heck they had been *together* as lovers for slightly more than five years. Not to mention the uncountable number of times when Sirius had witnessed his transformations without walls and wards separating them. Undressing in front of him should not be a big thing at all, there was nothing Sirius hadn't already seen a thousand times. But this felt different than all the times before and Remus could not help but feel uncomfortable at doing so. As soon as Sirius had taken the clothes, Remus turned his back towards the door and him. 

"Leave now, Sirius."

He could already feel the first tremors of the transformation shudder through his body. Sirius stretched out his hand towards Remus and, after a short moment of hesitation, squeezed his shoulder gently.

"Take care, Remus."

The only answer he received was a nod of the head, then Sirius closed, locked and warded the door. He put a strong silencing charm in place, then leaned his head and hands against the door, hoping against all reason that his presence so close out here would make the agony Remus was going through right now at least a little bit better.

When he was convinced that enough time had passed for the transformation to be complete, Sirius pushed himself off the door and started to climb the stairs again, heading for his position in the living room. He would not be able to sleep tonight, that much he already knew.


	7. The Law Of The Jungle

**Chapter Seven: The Law Of The Jungle**

Sirius unlocked the basement door five minutes after moonset, not really knowing what was awaiting him behind it. He had seen Remus after an uncountable number of transformations, but all of them long before the invention of the Wolfsbane Potion.

That was why he was quite surprised to find his friend unconscious, but otherwise completely unharmed. He looked a bit cold and there were shallow scratches on his left upper arm, but that was all.

"Remus?"

The lithe body on the floor in front of Sirius stirred ever so slightly as he called his name, but he didn't wake up. Instead, Remus started shivering as if he just now realized that he was lying naked on the rather cold basement floor.

Sirius quickly unfolded the blanket he had brought and wrapped it tightly around Remus, then lifted him up and carried him out of the basement up into his bed.

Just as he was about to enter the bedroom, Harry came out of his room and saw them. A worried frown on his face, the teenager immediately hurried over and tried to assess Remus' health while Sirius was putting him to bed.

"How is he?"  
Sirius pulled the blanket up over Remus' waist, then shrugged.

"Just completely exhausted, I'd say. I don't know exactly what that potion does, but it seems to work. He hasn't hurt himself tonight, and he should be up again once he has caught up on his sleep.

Don't worry, Harry. He'll be fine."

Harry nodded, ready to leave the room and let Remus get his well-earned rest, but something had caught his eyes. Harry knew that it was impolite to stare, even if the other was not awake. Sirius looked at him, then followed his gaze. A knowing look crossed his face and he put a hand on Harry's shoulder.

"Is that where...?"  
Sirius nodded.

"Yes. That's where the wolf has bitten him."  
Both eyed the scar that ran along Remus' shoulder, its dark red colour standing out against Remus' otherwise pale skin on which many more silvery scar lines crossed and zigzagged each other. The imprints of the wolf's individual teeth could still be seen and Harry involuntarily shuddered as he imagined what kind of pain Remus must have been in when he had received the bite. Not to mention the pain – and not only physical – that had been the result of the bite he had received. But somehow the scar seemed strange.

"It's a bit huge, isn't it? For a wolf, I mean."

Sirius nodded.

"Yes, but you have to remember that Remus was only five years old when he was bitten. The scar has just grown with him."

Harry nodded, but shuddered again. Five years. Remus had still been a child when all this had happened. A small child who had just been in the wrong place at the wrong time.

He remembered what Remus had told him a couple of days ago, that the wolf was his constant companion ever since that day. And that without his presence, Remus would be a completely different person. Truth be told, Harry could not imagine a different Remus Lupin, and he didn't know if he wanted to.

"Come on, let's give him some rest."

Harry nodded and allowed himself to be steered out of the room by Sirius.

"How about some breakfast? I know that I'm not Remus, but I should be able to at least make some decent scrambled eggs."

The first thing Remus realized when he was slowly waking up was that he was lying on his stomach, his face buried in his pillow. He was grateful, because after his transformations his back was always especially sore, the muscles knotted and overstretched, the vertebras still aching from the change between human and canine spine so that lying on his front was the best way to remain relatively pain-free.

The next thing Remus became aware of was the sensation of somebody kneading his sore and aching muscles, attempting to lessen the pain they caused. It had been years since somebody had massaged his back after a transformation and he hadn't even known how much he had missed this treatment. Remus sighed loudly.

Behind him, he heard a low chuckle and the hands that were massaging his back stopped their ministrations for a moment.

"Morning, Remus. Or rather, good afternoon. How are you feeling?"

While he asked this, Sirius' massaging hands touched a particularly sore and aching muscle and rather than sighing, this time Remus hissed and moaned into his pillow.

"That good, yes?"

The hands left his back and the weight next to him on the mattress shifted slightly. Turning his head to the side and opening one bleary eye, Remus found himself face to face with a concerned looking Sirius.

"Do you need something against the pain? Or something to eat, or a glass of water?"

Remus closed his eye again and shook his head slightly.

"Does your back still hurt?"

The sandy brown hair nodded up and down in silent confirmation.

"Do you want me to continue?"

Another nod of the head, this one after a slight moment of hesitation.

"If it's alright with you."

"Sure. Just say if you need something else."  
Sirius shifted back on the mattress again so that he could continue kneading the painful knots out of Remus' muscles and ease the pain in his back as much as he could.

For some long moments, both old friends remained silent, and only from time to time a soft hiss or moan from between the pillow-feathers indicated that Remus had not slept in again.

"Remus?"  
"Hmmm?"

"How does that potion work?"

For a moment, Remus remained silent.

"The Wolfsbane?"

"Yes."

All the while, Sirius kept on massaging Remus' sore back and shoulders, not stopping even as Remus thought about an answer for that question.

"Don't ask me how it exactly works, because I don't know. You know that I've always been awful at Potions. But basically it subdues Moony enough so that I can keep control during the night."

"Moony doesn't come through at all?"

Again, Remus took his time in answering. Sirius was already used to this, Remus hardly ever said anything which he had not thought about carefully.

"It's difficult to describe, really. I can't stop the transformation, I have to give in to it. And the potion also doesn't stop the pain of the transformation. But while the transformation is somewhat blurred concerning who has the upper hand, from the moment that it's over I am in control again. I'm forced to be in wolf form, but I keep my human mind. At least until the transformation begins again. But Moony is there, stronger than he usually is during the time close to the full moon. He's not in control, but he's also there. It's as if we were both equally strong, but as if he didn't have any chance to take control."

Subconsciously, Remus rubbed his upper left arms where Moony had left his only marks the previous night.

"It's only during the transformations that Moony has the possibility to lash out, but he rarely does so."

He turned slightly so that he could see Sirius from the corner of his eye.

"Why do you ask?"

Sirius sighed and rubbed his eyes tiredly.

"It's nothing, really. Or rather...oh, I don't know. Actually, it's pretty selfish."

Remus frowned but turned his head again because his neck was starting to sting badly. Sirius put a large and warm hand onto Remus' neck and gently kneaded it until the discomfort lessened. Sirius just could not ask Remus what he so desperately wanted to. He had offered Remus Padfoot's company last night and Remus had refused. True, his reasons had been good reasons, and for Sirius Harry's security was more important than most other things as well, but he was afraid that this had not been the main reason why Remus had refused his offer. Padfoot was a painful reminder of a time Remus had long moved past, Sirius would have to accept that.

"Sirius?"  
"Yes?"

"Why did you ask?"

"It's just that...well, I thought that when Harry returns to Hogwarts in September and we maybe have some more time and less responsibility around full moon...well, I wanted to run with Moony once more. Of course I'd like to run with you just as much, it's just..."

Remus nodded.

"I think I understand, Sirius. And I think Moony also wants to run with Padfoot again. And actually nothing speaks against that I don't take the potion once, when I'm not endangering anybody with it."

"It wouldn't be a problem?"

Remus shrugged.

"Not if I had somebody who took a little care that Moony didn't pay his revenge for subduing him during the previous transformations, I shouldn't think so."

Sirius knew what hearing this confession from Remus' mouth was worth. His friend was not somebody who liked to openly admit that there were situations he could not handle alone without getting hurt. But both of them knew that his transformations fell into that category, at least without the help of the Wolfsbane Potion.

"That would be wonderful, Remus. Thank you."

"You're welcome, Sirius. As I said, Padfoot isn't the only one who would love to run free again. Just like in old times."

Only now, in this somehow weird arrangement that had him sitting cross-legged next to Remus' hips, massaging his friends' back and shoulders to lessen his discomfort, did Sirius realize that this as the most personal they had spoken so far. It was probably right that it was a lot easier to manage if they weren't looking into each others eyes in the process.

Remus' next words proved him right.

"Sirius?"  
"Yes?"  
"Why?"

"Why what? Why I want to run with Moony again?"

The sandy head bopped up and down twice in the affirmative.

Sirius didn't really know whether he should answer that question, but eventually decided that Remus had earned being told the truth.

"Becoming Padfoot was the most important thing I've done in my life, Remus. Truly, it helps me immensely ever since I'm on the run, but that's not the point. It's so important because I've done it not for me, nor for the thrill of doing something illegal, but because I've done it for you. I have achieved something that really helped you going through your transformations at a time when you needed it. And now...now that you don't need Padfoot anymore, I'd just once more like to run with him."

Abruptly, Remus turned to his side, forgetting that his back was still sore and aching. A loud hiss escaped his lips, but at least he had managed to get into a position from where he could look at his old friend.

"Careful, Remus."

Remus ignored Sirius' concerned voice.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that you should be careful with that back of yours, or you won't be able to sit up anytime soon."

Remus just shrugged him off.

"No, not that. Why do you think that Moony...that I...that we don't need Padfoot anymore?"

Sirius shrugged and stared down at his hands. He carefully helped Remus to turn back onto his stomach again before he answered, though.

"Padfoot was needed to keep Moony in check during the moon nights. But if that potion keeps Moony away and enables you to keep control, then you don't need me around anymore, do you?"  
Remus closed his eyes and sighed into the pillow. Sometimes, Sirius and his lack of self-esteem could drive him into exhaustion.

"Sirius, you should know better than anybody else that this is not true. Moony didn't just vanish because of that potion. He's still there, and if you only for one moment believe that he hasn't realized yet that his pack-mate is back then you are sadly mistaken. And – as I said – I think he'd love to run with Padfoot again. Just he and Padfoot, without the potion, given that we can be sure it'll be somewhere safe. Sirius, Moony's there and he knows that Padfoot is there, as well. He's always there, Wolfsbane or not. He just can't hurt me when I take the potion, but that doesn't mean that Padfoot isn't needed or welcome anymore should the opportunity arise that we can run together again. The potion just makes me able to keep Moony at bay."

"I really understand that you want to keep Moony at bay."

With the index finger of one large, callused hand Sirius traced the silvery outline of one of Remus' many scars, this one running from his upper shoulder blade down his left arm. Sirius was perfectly sure that this scar had not been there when he had last seen Remus shirtless. Remus shuddered beneath his hand and immediately Sirius drew it back as if the touch had burnt him. The scars Moony inflicted on Remus were extremely sensitive to touch, and caressing them, tracing them as if to memorize their shapes and lengths was an intimate privilege Sirius no longer held. Knowing he had overstepped the boundaries of a platonic, absolutely non-sexual massage at this moment, he quickly tried to restart their conversation to get off the thin ice they were walking on momentarily.

"As I said, I'd understand it if you wanted to keep Moony at bay, but Padfoot would be more than glad to protect you from the wolf's wrath if he in turn could just once more run with his pack-mate. Especially after how it ended back then."

There, Sirius had said it. It couldn't have been avoided, and if Sirius had learned at least a little from his nightly sessions with Harry during which absolutely nothing had gotten better at first, then it was that sometimes healing required spilling out all unpleasant truths and facts. If that was what needed to be done, then Sirius was ready.

The last time Moony and Padfoot had run freely together had been months before Harry had been born, and the last time they had spent the night of full moon together, confined within the steady wards of Richard Lupin's basement, Harry had been five months old.

And already then the mutual suspicion between their human alter egos had been strong, back then tat the beginning of the Potters' ten months long flight from those who wanted them dead. Strong enough for Moony and Padfoot to be wary around each other, to circle their canine counterpart attentively, not letting the other out of the own watchful eyes for the entire night. There had been no wrestling, no howling, no small little plays or trustful sleep curled up next to each other during those nights, as their mutual mistrust had rooted too deep already back then.

It had been hard enough for Padfoot to bear in the end, in his desperate isolation of the Azkaban cell after the real traitor had seized his chance to play the two of them out against each other. The urge-driven, canine part of Sirius' personality had missed Moony greatly, especially during the full moon nights when the pale orb had filled his lonely cell with its silvery light. He had regretted the atmosphere of wariness and mistrust under which they had parted.

And Moony was not half as controlled as Sirius' alter ego. Sirius didn't even want to imagine how Moony had reacted to the death of two pack-mates by the hands of the third. The unknown vicious scars under his hands testified of the wolf's rage from that time, and Sirius had seen earlier that Remus' chest bore an even larger number of similar marks.

"Moony would love to run with Padfoot again, Sirius. He missed him terribly. That's one of the things we didn't agree on after they took you, that's why he gave me more scars than I had considered possible. That's why I in the end was glad that I could subdue him with the potion.

After they arrested you, I saw all my suspicions, my fears confirmed. I tried to believe you were guilty, not only because that was what it all looked like, but also because it would have killed me if I had thought something else.

And after those last ten months before...before it happened, I was ready to believe nearly everything if it only explained that mess. And it just all seemed to fit smoothly into the picture, a picture that showed you as a traitor and in the end a murderer.

But from the first full moon after that Halloween Moony refused to keep up what I had forced upon him during the previous months. He had become wary with Padfoot, but only because I was so extremely wary around you.

But after they arrested you, ripped you out of both of our lives, Moony flat out refused to believe it. He refused to believe that Padfoot had killed the pack."

Remus sighed deeply and Sirius felt the ever too thin body of his friend vibrate with the sound of it underneath his hands. Hands that had given up their task of massaging the moment Remus had started to speak and that by now lay flat outstretched on Remus' back, cherishing the warmth and physical contact they had so long been denied.

He felt Remus' voice shake with his next words.

"Moony has been wise enough not to believe that Padfoot had betrayed the pack. Far wiser than I was."

Sirius took some moments to answer , thought he had immediately known what the only possible reply was.

"And Padfoot had done nothing to earn that trust. Nothing. On the contrary, he and I have been stupid enough to think we knew his nature when we've misunderstood the most basic thing about him.

He is a predator, and dangerous to those who meet him defenceless. Moony is able, even urged to kill whatever human prey he can find, but not out of malice but because it's his nature. Because you can't control him.

He is all that, he does all that, but Moony would never betray his pack to death and despair. Padfoot and I were too blind to see that.

Prongs wasn't."

Sirius felt the body underneath his hands expand with a breath that was not released.

He smiled. If it was time for truths now, then he could just as well stick to the more pleasant ones for a change. Merlin knew Remus was entitled.

"What?"

Remus' voice was breaking with raw emotion.

"Prongs knew Moony better than Padfoot did, Remus. As much as it pains me to admit that. And James knew you better than I did, as it seemed."

"Why?"

"Because when I suggested the switch to Peter, the as I saw it perfect decoy for all those who wanted to hurt Jamie and his family, I told him that nobody except from Peter, him, Lily and me should be told about it. Jamie wanted to tell you, but I asked him not to. I told him that I didn't trust you, that I suspected you to be the traitor."

Remus swallowed hard.

"And...what did he say?"

At that moment, Sirius wasn't entirely sure whether he had heard those words or whether he had merely felt them as the vibration of Remus' body underneath his hands, because his friend's voice seemed to fail him completely.

"James wasn't comfortable with the whole situation."

Sirius sighed and turned his eyes towards the window, desperately willing down the tears that still threatened to fall when he thought about his long dead friend and the circumstances that had led to that death.

"I knew that he trusted me explicitly, and though he never downright asked me to do it, I also knew that he wanted me to be the Secret Keeper. It was me who immediately offered it once he had told me about Dumbledore's suggestion to perform the Fidelius Charm, and though I was quick with my offer we both knew I was serious about it.

It was just..."

Sirius swallowed hard and lifted one hand from Remus' back to scratch his head.

"...that you didn't trust me." Remus finished for him.

Sirius nodded then, upon realizing that his friend couldn't see him, replied.

"No. No, I didn't trust you. For the sake of reason, today I can't understand myself anymore, but back then I didn't trust you.

There was just too much in between us, too many open wounds, too many hurt feelings. Had I been more rational about it , I'd have seen how stupid that was, but at that time we were hardly able to speak civilly with each other, rational thought was an off-concept then.

I...I guess my biggest fear was that my suspicion would turn out to be true, that you would turn out to be the traitor. I just didn't know what I should do if things turned out like that and I suddenly found myself caught between my best friend and the man I had once loved. You knew me better than anybody else back then, you knew how to trap me if you wanted to. It was a risk I couldn't take, not if the life of Jamie, Lils and Harry was the possible price to pay for it."

"And you thought that with Peter as the Secret Keeper and you as the bait it would not hurt James if you were not able to stand up against whatever fate I delivered you to."

It was a statement, not a question, and Sirius knew he didn't need to answer it. He sighed.

"Something like that, yes. I had thought that at least Jamie, Lils and Harry would not have to become the victim of my personal issues with you and my inability to deal with them."  
Remus laughed a mirthless laugh into his pillow, then turned his head to the side so that he could see Sirius from the corner of his left eye.

"»_When ye fight with a Wolf of the Pack, ye must fight him alone and afar,_

_Lest others take part in the quarrel, and the Pack be diminished by war.«_"

Both locked their gazes for a moment, until Sirius shook his head and smiled slightly.

"I don't think that Kipling ever intended to be quoted so cynically, Remus.

Besides, I have done exactly that and look what I has done to our pack."

Remus turned his head back into the pillow and shrugged.

"You just fought the wrong pack-member, that's all. And before you say something: you could not have known it, Sirius. None of us did. You just could not have known it. Definite truths, even about people you knew for half a lifetime were very rare goods at that time. We all make mistakes at times, and Merlin knows you've already paid more than dearly for yours."

"Yes, but it was my mistake that led into all this, and it's a mistake that needn't have happened."

Sirius thought for a moment before he continued.

"»_For the Strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack_«, that's the line, isn't it?

Maybe I should have rather kept that line in mind, then I'd have possibly realized that you could not have delivered Jamie and his family into Voldemort's hands. Moony would not have let you, they were his pack. How could he allow you to hurt them? And even if you had done it nevertheless, he'd have hurt you for it. I just didn't see that there was nothing to gain for you by changing the side you were fighting on, I just didn't see it."

Sirius felt Remus' diaphragm contract under the one hand that was still lying on Remus' back. A slight frown spread across Sirius' face at this.

"And what exactly is so funny about this?"

Remus chuckled a bit more before he answered.

"Only that we're quoting Kipling as if he had written the number one self-help-book on pack issues. I think "The Law of the Jungle" has its limitations in providing advice, especially without the gift of foresight."

This remark provoked a slight smile to grace Sirius' features.

"Point taken. But I still haven't answered your question, Remus."

"Which one?"

"What Jamie said when I told him I suspected you of being the traitor."

Immediately, Remus' body tensed under Sirius' hands, which had again taken up their task of softly attempting to knead the stiffness and lingering pain out of Remus' abused muscles.

"And?"

"James said, and I quote: 'If you really think that Remus would betray any of us to Voldemort, then you haven't earned a friendship like his, let alone his love.'

He never believed you were able to betray them, and neither did Lily."

A loud sigh escaped Remus' lips, followed immediately by an uncontrollable sob that wracked his body.

He hadn't known up to that moment just how much he had needed to hear that, to hear somebody tell him those words so that he could no longer doubt the truth behind them. Ever since the night in the Shrieking Shack Remus had asked himself whether James had died in the belief that Remus had been responsible for the treason.

And now he finally knew that he hadn't. It felt as if a huge weight had been taken from his chest and shoulders, and it felt good.

Though Sirius didn't see it, he knew exactly what kind of reaction his words had provoked. But he also knew Remus very well, and so he pretended not to notice that his friend was crying, and he pretended to ignore the sobs that he could feel wracking through Remus' body. He merely sat by his friend's side and rubbed comforting circles across his back until Remus had finally gained at least some of his trademark self-control back.

If he had known how much this simple truth mattered to Remus, he'd have already told him a lot earlier. After a couple of minutes of companionable silence, Sirius gave Remus' shoulder a final squeeze and pulled the blanket up over his back.

"Try to get some more sleep, Remus. I'll come back later and bring you something to eat."

Remus nodded and Sirius got up to leave, only to be stopped again by the other's voice before he even reached the door.

"Sirius?"  
He turned around.

"Yes?"  
"Thank you."

A large smile settled on Sirius' face.

"You're welcome. Now sleep."

Sirius turned and left the bedroom, but before he turned to walk down the stairs he leaned heavily against the wall for support until he had his nerves back under control and his knees had stopped to feel suspiciously weak.

Harry was down in the kitchen, writing a letter to Ron. The one for Hermione already lay finished next to him, and as soon as he was finished with Ron's he'd set Hedwig off with them. He didn't know whether Ron's owl Pig would find him here, and Hermione didn't have an owl of her own as far as Harry knew, so the best possible way for him to stay in contact with his friends was to send Hedwig to them. He looked up when he heard Sirius coming down the stairs.

"How is Remus?"

Sirius sat down on the other side of the table and forced himself to smile at his godson.

"He's asleep now. His back is still hurting, but he should be up again later in the afternoon. Exhaustion is the biggest problem at the moment."

Harry nodded, that was good to hear. Despite all the reassurances Remus and Sirius had given him he had not been able to refrain from worrying about his former teacher during the night. Sirius must have guessed what Harry thought from the look on his face, because he gave him a reassuring smile.

"There's really no need to worry, Harry. I don't know how that potion works, and I still don't like the fact that it's Snape who brews it, but it seems to work. Remus had enough control to keep the wolf from mauling him at night, and that's at least something."

"I take it it's not always been like last night?"

Sirius shook his head and leaned his head heavily onto his hands. When he spoke, his voice was low and sounded as if he wasn't talking to Harry, but to himself while he remembered something from far away.

"No, no it's not always been like that. Before there was the potion, it was alright as long as we could be with him during the moons. We could distract him, keep the wolf from lashing out too much. But before we managed to become animagi, it was praying that he'd be alright every month."

Tiredly, Sirius ran a hand over his face.

"It all depends on Remus' mood before the transformation. If he's angry, upset or troubled then the transformations are worse. Every morning after the full moon, one of us was waiting outside the Willow under James' cloak for the moon to set. Sometimes, Remus would scramble out on his own shortly after moonset, and then we'd help him to the castle. And...well, when he didn't come out, we went in and had a look that he'd make it until Madam Pomfrey came to fetch him."

Sirius' eyes were watery and unfocussed, staring at something which obviously only he could see.

"It wasn't always pretty, and once or twice it's been a close call. That potion takes away a lot of worries, at least."

"But you'd only be completely at rest if you could be with Remus during the transformations."

It wasn't a question, but nevertheless Sirius nodded without thinking about it.

"And you can't be with him because you have to watch me."

Sirius looked up, and finally he realized what Harry was driving at.

"Harry, I don't know how often I have to tell you this, but you're not to fault for anything. Remus and I both want to have you here, and we're both more concerned about your safety than about Remus' transformations. Remus is alright as he can be during the full moon. He's dealt with them for most part of his life, and before the Wolfsbane was invented he had to go through those nights alone and unprotected against the wolf's wrath. My company would just be a slight addition to it, and it's nothing that we can't make up for once you're at Hogwarts. It's only the August moon that's left, and it's perfectly alright Harry."

Slowly, Harry nodded. Sirius got up from the chair again and walked over towards the counter, pulling out all necessary ingredients for the rather late lunch they would have today. He hadn't even realized it, but he had spent nearly the entire morning with making sure that Remus was alright. There was a used plate and the rest of what looked like a sandwich on the plate on the kitchen table telling him that at least Harry had already eaten something today.

The teenager got up and wordlessly pulled out a knife and started helping Sirius with cutting the ingredients. They worked in companionable silence for some time, and not until the potatoes were boiling and the meat was roasting on the stove and Sirius had finished his desperate attempt to remember his mother's gravy recipe did Harry finally break the silence.

"Sirius?"

"Hmm?"

"I...I didn't have the time for it yesterday, but I...well, I wanted to thank you. For everything, but especially for being there that night."

Sirius put down the pot with the still too thick gravy and looked at Harry intensely.

"Harry, you don't have to thank me for that. Really. I'm glad that there was something I could do. I just want you to remember that, alright? If you want to talk about something, if you have nightmares or if you just don't want to be alone and need a hug and somebody to stay up with you, come to me. Doesn't matter what time that is. And if for some reason I'm not there, go to Remus. We're both here for you."

Harry nodded and Sirius stretched out his hand to ruffle across his godson's hair. He pulled the teenager into a short hug and smiled when he realized that Harry still blushed at the unexpected physical contact.

"Alright, let's get some food into our stomachs, and in an hour or two we'll go have a look whether the old wolf up there is up again and wants something to eat. Sounds like a plan?"  
Harry laughed shortly.

"Well, I'd say so. It has to do with getting something to eat, so I'm all for it."

"Thought you'd say that."

Remus indeed was awake when Sirius carried a tray with food into his room two hours later. He had managed to get himself into a sitting position again, a sure sign that the pain in his back had faded away to the degree of a tingling stiffness, and had already buried his nose in a rather large book again. Sirius had not seen that tome lying around earlier, otherwise he'd have confiscated it. Next moon, he'd look into the bedside table as well.

"You should still be sleeping some more, Remus."

Remus looked up from his reading and shrugged.

"I couldn't sleep anymore, and I felt bored. Really Sirius, as cute as it is, but you don't need to fret that much."

Nothing in his face indicated that Sirius had realized Remus had just unintentionally called him 'cute', but instead put the tray down on Remus' mattress and tried to look stern.

"Eat. You need some more meat on your bones, you're ever too thin."

Remus picked up his fork and shrugged again.

"You know that I just don't seem to gain weight. And the little I gain is needed as energy for the transformations. But thank you nevertheless, I'm starved."

He tasted the food, nodded appraisingly and hungrily started to devour everything that was on his plate.

"How does my kitchen look like now?"

There was obvious suspicion and accusation in Remus' voice, and if Sirius was honest with himself there had been enough incidents in the past to justify those feelings. Nevertheless, Sirius raised his eyebrows and sniffed in mock insult.

"I just want to let you know that your kitchen is still standing and without any severe damages. Nothing burned or drowned there since you last saw it. And at the moment it's in the capable hands of my godson who didn't want to be excluded from the housework anymore. I've showed him a cleaning spell and I guess he's amusing himself right now with banishing the dishes or something."

Remus smiled and put his fork down on the now empty tray which Sirius took and placed on the floor. He then settled back on the mattress facing his old friend.

"Sirius?"  
"Yes?"

"May I ask what happened the penultimate night?"

Sirius sighed and tucked a lose strand of his black hair back behind his ear.

"Harry woke me in the dead of the night."

"Nightmare?"

Sirius shook his head.

"No, not really. He didn't want to sleep because he dreaded to have another one."

"It's the tournament, isn't it? Cedric's death. He blames himself."

Sirius nodded. It was what both of them had assumed even before Harry had confirmed it, and though Sirius had the intention to treat everything Harry had confided him with confidentially, he could as well confirm it when Remus made a right assumption.

"Yes, he does. And I'm still not entirely sure that I could convince him of the opposite. But we've had a long talk about it, and I just hope that at least he won't be that hesitant to ask for help anymore. But it'll take time until he's over it."

Remus nodded.

"I just wish he'd get a break for once. One year during which nobody tries to kill him would already be fine."

He turned his eyes on Sirius, a severe look in them.

"It's good that he confides in you. Though he was obviously pretty embarrassed upon waking on the sofa with you, but when I saw the two of you sleeping there it was also quite obvious that whatever it was you said and did to him has done him a world of good. I don't think I've ever seen that kid so relaxed."

Sirius smiled.

"Yeah, seems like I finally get the hang of this parenting thing."

"Merlin help us!" Remus rolled his eyes dramatically. "I don't want to imagine what this will do to Harry in the future. I already see another flying motorbike coming up and I don't know if I still have the nerves for that."

"You always liked the Triumph. You couldn't get enough of flying around with her."

Remus shook his head.

"No, I couldn't get enough of flying around with you. I didn't particularly care about whether it was the bike, a broom or a hippogriff we were riding on."

Too late Remus realized what he had just said. Ever since Sirius had arrived at his house, none of them had lost one single word about the fact that they had once been more than friends. Well, now Remus had spoken it out and could not take it back anymore. He'd have to make the best of the situation and change the subject before a conversation started for which he wasn't ready yet.

"Do you think you could help me get up? I don't want to keep lying here all day, I'm bored."

Sirius quickly nodded.

"Sure, just take my arm."

"Oh dear, this always makes me feel like an old man."

Sirius chuckled.

"Well, technically speaking you kind of are old."

"Sirius, I'm thirty-six! I'll hope that doesn't count as old already."

"It does, just ask Harry."

Remus just shook his head. Sometimes he truly believed that he'd never completely understand Sirius. Never.


	8. Chasing Shadows

**Chapter Eight: Chasing Shadows**

The two weeks after the full moon passed leisurely. Harry finished most of his homework except from the final touches for his potions essay and the second half of his Transfiguration homework. Neither Sirius nor Remus would be of any help for him with Potions, that much Harry had already gathered, but he still hoped for the help of some of Remus' books for McGonagall's homework. He shuddered to think about writing that four rolls of parchment thing solely from his notes from last school year. Of course he could owl Hermione for help, but she had this rather strange attitude that everybody should do their homework on their own. Well, from what it looked now, Remus wasn't half as strict when it came to that, he had already offered Harry to help him, but as there were still more than three weeks left of the holiday, Harry was in no hurry.

Harry thought it strange how quickly he had gotten used to living with Remus and Sirius. When Remus had first told him that he'd spend the rest of the holiday with him and his godfather, it had not been much more than an abstract concept for the teenager. But even despite all his previous concerns, Harry had quickly come to like the living arrangements this summer.

He could sleep in for as long as he wanted, he didn't need to do all the housework (none at all if Remus would have gotten his will), he could go flying or just hang around in the house and – most important of all – there was always somebody around who was not repulsed by his presence. If Harry needed somebody around to talk to or to play chess with, whatever it was, he could rely on the fact that Sirius or Remus were there for him. His nightmares hadn't stopped, and still he woke Remus up every night with his thrashing around. Still every night Sirius would come into his room, sit up with him until he had calmed down again and in case he wanted to talk, hug him and then leave again. After Sirius' visits, the nightmares hardly ever returned. 

Living here in Kent with Sirius and Remus was nearly like Harry imagined living in a family. Well, he didn't have that much experience in that matter, but that was how he imagined it to be. Harry almost wished that he could come back for Christmas, or at least for the next summer holidays. But whenever he had those thoughts, Harry chided himself for them. This was a one-time arrangement for all that he knew, simply because it had been the only alternative at the time he had to leave Privet Drive. Merlin only knew where Sirius and Remus were come Christmas, or even the summer holidays, and Harry definitely didn't want them to plan their lives according to his school schedule. Even if he wanted it as desperately as he thought he did. And Sirius had said that he and Remus *wanted* him here, maybe they could also arrange for him to come here for Christmas. He hoped it did, though he knew that he shouldn't allow himself to get too absorbed in the idea.

After the last lingering pains and aches of the full moon transformation had subsided, Remus and Sirius continued just as normal as well. Whenever they were not spending time with Harry, they were sitting around in Remus' study, discussing things Harry had absolutely no idea about. Basically he knew they were coordinating the correspondence of Dumbledore and his allies, Remus was translating and decoding intercepted letters, and Sirius was trying with the help of Mundungus Fletcher to relate the messages they could decipher to people, places or activities they knew about. But that was about as much as Harry had been able to grasp during the two post-moon weeks, he knew next to nothing about the real contents of what Sirius and Remus were doing. As was the way it should be, from what Sirius had told him.

A little problem of the more domestic form had risen three days ago, when Harry's Hogwarts letter and his school list for next year had arrived. It had reminded all three inhabitants of Remus' cottage of the need to get to Diagon Alley and get them, only that there had been a lively discussion as to how this should be achieved.

Sirius couldn't go buy them, that much was clear. Harry couldn't be going alone, either, and if he went with Remus he could as well tell the Daily Prophet about his current location. Sending Remus to get them could raise suspicion as well, if the wrong people saw him. In the end, after lengthy discussions and a fire-call to the Weasleys, it had been decided that Harry, Remus and Padfoot would all three go together on August 31st, spending the night to September 1st in the Leaky Cauldron. The Weasleys were doing just the same, so there would be a large group of wizards around to protect Harry in case something happened, and they needn't worry that the wrong people would show up at Remus' cottage during the last week of the holidays. Though Remus had been reluctant to have Sirius with them in Diagon Alley, in the end he had agreed. But only after Sirius had promised him not to transform back under any circumstances, except from when he was in their warded room at the Leaky Cauldron.

But that was still more than three weeks away and Harry didn't spend too many thoughts on it as he put aside his quill and headed out of his room, leaving homework be for today.

The weather was great, Sirius was sitting outside dozing in the sun and Harry decided that this was as good a weather as he'd get for flying. So he grabbed his Firebolt and hopped down the stairs. On his way out, he snitched the cooking spoon with cake dough from the pot from the kitchen counter when he thought Remus was not looking.

"Hey, I saw that!"

Harry just waved over his shoulder and ran outside.

"At least bring the spoon back!"

But Harry was already out of earshot. Sirius grinned when he saw his godson come running out of the house with the large spoon full of dough in his hand.

"Share?"

Harry resolutely shook his head.

"No mister, this is *my* trophy. If you manage to steal dough from Remus, I don't expect you to share, either."  
"Spoilsport!"  
Harry just shrugged and finished licking off the dough from the spoon, completely ignoring his godfather's begging puppy look. When he was finished, he used his recently acquired knowledge in banishing charms to send the spoon back into the kitchen. A loud "Ouch!" told him that it had arrived there.

"You said you wanted your spoon back!"

Something that sounded like a suppressed course that would have made any sailor proud was the only answer Harry received, but he quickly dismissed it as imagination. Remus didn't swear, everybody knew that.

Harry went over to Sirius and held out the Firebolt. 

"Wanna fly a round?"

Sirius grinned, but shook his head.

"No, thanks. I'm far too lazy at the moment, maybe later. You go and fly, I'll watch you from down here."

Harry shrugged and mounted his broom. Moments later he was zooming high over the tree-line, flying circles and eights, diving and pulling up again. It felt good – as always – to be back in the air, and with the wind running through his hair and blowing through his clothes there was nothing in the world that seemed worth worrying about. Up here Harry was able to forget about everything, his only concern being that he'd give Sirius a heart-failure if he tried to do a Wronsky-Feint right now.

Harry didn't even realize that he spent nearly two hours in the air. Sirius had been dozing in the garden, then he had watched Harry for a couple of minutes until the sounds from the kitchen indicated that the cake was finished and Sirius could not resist to try it while it was still warm. 

When Remus had finished with cleaning up the kitchen and came into the living room, he found Sirius standing in front of the large window, watching Harry zoom by outside. From the side, Remus could see that there were tear-tracks on Sirius' face and even if he had not tried to wipe them away upon sensing Remus' presence, the werewolf would have heard his loud sniffling. Not turning around, Sirius said what Remus had expected to be the reason for his tears.

"He looks so much like James when he's flying."

Remus sighed and rubbed his eyes. If this was leading to what he suspected, then he didn't want to be here now.

"Yes, he does."

"During my first year on the run, when I was at Hogwarts, I used to come to the Quidditch games just to watch him fly. And I could nearly forget everything that had happened and imagine it was Jamie flying up there."

Sirius sighed and turned away from the window, sinking down onto the sofa with an audible sigh.

"He doesn't even remember him, Remus. He doesn't even remember his father. James should have been there for him, and not those blasted muggle relatives of his. Jamie should have been there and taught him everything he needed to know. Jamie should have taught him how to fly a broom, and how to properly hex a Slytherin. But Jamie wasn't there."

Remus sat down in an armchair and watched Sirius attentively. He had expected this to come for quite some time now, but that didn't mean he was prepared for it. 

"I sometimes wonder how Harry can stand my presence sometimes, anyway. Had it not been for me, then his father would have been there. And his mother. He'd have grown up in a normal family, and not with that poor excuse of one he's been living with. All because I thought switching to Peter was a brilliant decoy."

Remus leaned his head on his hands and shook his head. He didn't want to have this conversation, not here, not now, not anytime soon.

"You're such a hypocrite, you know?"

Sirius' head snapped up.

"What?"

"I think you understood me quite well, Sirius. You're a hypocrite. I don't know if it's intentional, but it's a fact."  
"What the heck are you talking about?"  
Remus sighed and leaned back.

"I'm talking about you telling Harry that he's not responsible for Cedric's death. At least that's what I suppose you told him. That it's not been his fault, that none of them could have known the cup was a portkey, that Harry was only trying to do something of which he was convinced it was the right thing. Didn't you tell him that? Didn't you tell him that his intentions were good, and the outcome of the whole story was only so devastating because he had not known this could happen?"

"What's that got to do with it?"  
"Everything, Sirius. Because I just can't understand how you can be so clear-minded and rational about the advice you give Harry, but so stubborn and blind when you're concerned yourself. The situations are so bloody similar it's jumping straight into your face. Cedric died because *he* and Harry had decided to take the cup together, none of them knowing that it was a portkey designed for Harry. James died because *he* and you decided to switch secret keepers, none of you knowing that Peter was the traitor who'd deliver Jamie straight to Voldemort."

Sirius resolutely shook his head.  
"No, that's been different."  
"How? Just tell me how, because I fail to see it."

"I have *known* Peter. I could have, no I *should* have realized that something was wrong with him."

"Sirius, not even James himself suspected Peter of anything. Because the signs were not there, at least not clear enough for us to read them at that time. And you could say the same about Harry. You could say that he should have realized something was wrong with the Tournament, with Crouch's constant absence, with the fact that somebody cast Imperius on Krum during the Third Task and seemingly did everything to gain the victory for Harry."  
Again, Sirius shook his head.

"Harry could not have looked out for things of which he didn't even know they were there."

"Exactly my point, Sirius. None of us knew we had to watch Peter, because none of us knew what to look for. Don't you think that I've thought this over and over again during the past year? But even though it all makes sense today, back then there simply was no chance for us to see it. And if you're not willing to accept that one simple truth then I'd at least ask you not to wallow in your self-pity while I'm around."

"Self-pity? Excuse me? I'm mourning my best friend, in case you failed to notice. How dare you call it self-pity?"

Remus shook his head and got up from his armchair. Placing himself in front of the fireplace, he crossed his arms in front of his chest and glared at Sirius challengingly.

"Because that's what it is, Sirius. You haven't mentioned James once without saying something along the lines of 'it's all my fault', not once since I've learned the truth about what happened. That's not what I call mourning, that's self-pity. Period."

Sirius jumped to his feet at surprising speed and crossed the distance between himself and Remus with a few strides. His blue eyes blazing with anger, he waved a threatening hand in front of Remus.

"And what, pray, do you know about how to mourn properly? What do you know, tell me? I haven't heard you talk about Jamie once, not once since that night in the Shrieking Shack. You don't seem to be sad at all about the fact that he's not here anymore. There's no sign anywhere here that you still think about him, that you still miss him. 

And do you know why? Because you've had it easiest after everything happened. You were left alive, and you had me as a perfect scapegoat for everything that had happened. You could hate me with all your might and continue with your perfect little life!"

Had the wolf been only a bit closer to the surface, Remus would have knocked Sirius out cold that moment. As it was new moon and Moony was as powerless as possible, Remus merely pushed his old friend back against the wall.

"How dare you? How dare you say something like that?"

Sirius steadied himself at the wall and shook his head in anger.

"How I dare to say that? Easy: because it's true. What did you have to go through, compared to me? You've had James and Lily to mourn, but obviously it didn't take you long to overcome that. You left Harry with those blasted muggles and never looked back, didn't you? And do you know what I've gone through at the same time?

No, you don't! Because if you did, you'd not say I was wallowing in self-pity. Give me a chance to mourn my best friend, because I've not had the chance to do so until now. While you had more than thirteen years to learn and live with everything that had happened, I was stuck with it. I've bloody been through it over and over again. For twelve long years, I've heard James' voice everyday, accusing me of murdering him and his family. I've heard you, wishing me a slow and painful death because I had killed Peter. Whatever positive things there had been in my life, those Dementors had sucked them out of me until I didn't know what was real and what wasn't anymore. I thought I was going insane, and for all the time that I've been in Azkaban the world outside just kept on turning. Everybody grew older and lived their lives, and only I was stuck at how I had been at the age of twenty-two. So don't dare telling me that I'm wallowing in self-pity, because you can't even begin to grasp what I've been and still go through!"

Remus laughed harshly.

"Oh yes, that's so easy, isn't it? You've been in hell for a crime you didn't commit and just because life has been treating you so unfair everybody else must have had it so much better. You know what? You *are* a hypocrite, Sirius Black!

I don't deny that you've had it worse than we all, but that doesn't mean I've had it easy, alright? Within one night, I thought that three of my friends had died, had died because a fourth of my friends, *you*, had betrayed and killed them. Do you really think that was fun to go through? That it was easy?

I've been mourning them, and don't you dare supposing that it didn't take me long to get over it, because that's a lie. It took me damn long to get over it, and there's still a bit of the pain left that will never go away, but I finally reached the point where I realized that I had to keep on living my own life. 

Do you know what Moony did to me after he realized that his pack was gone? He shred me to pieces, every full moon, mauled me, tore me inside out and did his best to kill me. And he nearly succeeded, more than once. Had it not been for my father, I'd have not survived the first full moon after James and Lily died. And the moon after that. And the next one. I had no will left to live, and it took me more months than I care to remember to finally start living again!"

In one smooth motion, Remus pulled the shirt off his body. His fingers traced the large scars that were covering his chest and abdomen.

"Do you see them, Sirius? That's what Moony did to me because I believed his mate had murdered the pack. He didn't believe it, couldn't believe it, but because *I* did he punished me."

Remus put the shirt back on and fell back on the sofa.

"I didn't leave Harry with the muggles, Sirius. That was Albus. And when I was finally lucid enough again to worry about him, there was no way for me to get him. Don't you think I tried? But in case you've forgotten, I'm a werewolf. They don't just hand out children to us, especially not the saviours of the wizarding world. And after all of you were gone, that's just what I was. A werewolf, with no friends who prevented me from being shunned out of society. Do you think it was all fun and pleasure? You might have been rotting in Azkaban for twelve years, caught in the hell of everything that had happened, but don't you dare thinking that just because you had it as bad as it can come, I automatically had it easy. I won't allow you to do that.

Do you know what your problem is, Sirius? You never really left Azkaban."

Sirius snorted.

"Ah yes? What would you know about that, tell me?"  
"Oh, you're out of Azkaban alright, but you never really left it. You might be out of the Dementors' clutches, but you've become very good at doing their job. You torment yourself with thoughts about how you've murdered James and Lily, and that you're not worthy of Harry's presence. You still live in the past, Sirius, and make no move to leave it. And at the same time, you completely ignore all parts of the past you're not comfortable with. This can't go on, Sirius."

Sirius waved his hand in the direction of Remus and started pacing in front of the fireplace.

"Really? Tell me Remus, when did you ever become so wise? So all knowing?"

"Stop that shit, Sirius! I don't know what kind of game you're playing, but denial won't get you anywhere. You keep on talking about James, Lily and Harry at that time, but you completely dodge around ever mention of us."

"*Us*, Remus?"

Sirius' voice didn't betray what he was feeling.

"Yes, *us* Sirius. Another thing that ended in a catastrophe back then, but actually the only thing that could still be talked about with all the involved still alive. But you dodge ever attempt to even talk about it, heck you behave as if it had never happened!"

"There *is* nothing to talk about, Remus. Yes, you and I once were more than friends. We were together, we loved each other. There, that's what you wanted to hear? But you already said that it ended in a catastrophe back then, and the important part of it is it *ended* back then. As in 'it stopped existing'. For me, that's more than enough reason not to keep on talking about it. I'm glad that miraculously we've been able to keep something akin to friendship, but other than that I'd prefer not thinking about it. I've got enough worries on my mind as it is."

Remus jumped to his feet.

"So that's it, yes? Enough worries as it is. Not wanting to add the everlasting worry at the name of Remus Lupin to your list. Listen to me Sirius, because I won't say this again: finally get your mind back here and stop worrying about all the things in the past that can't be changed anymore. And if you can't do that, at least keep it to yourself until Harry is safely back at Hogwarts and you won't have to stand my presence anymore. Because I for one do have enough *present* matters on my mind that are more urgent than pulling you out of your self-dug depression!"

With this, Remus stormed past Sirius and out of the room, and a moment later the slamming front door announced that he was gone. Sirius sank back onto the sofa and buried his head in his hands. What had just happened here?

"What has happened here? Are you alright?"

Sirius looked up and found Harry standing in the back door, Firebolt in hand and his face still flushed from flying in the afternoon sun. He waved vaguely at him.

"Yes...it's alright, Harry. Nothing for you to worry about, alright?"

He pushed himself off the sofa.

"I'll go and look what I can make for dinner, alright?"

Harry shrugged. Nobody ever told him anything, so what else should he do?

When Remus returned from his father's house later that evening and walked the last couple of hundred metres back to his own place of living, he could already see the lamp-light illuminating Harry's room. Remus smiled. Either the Urgh, Simon and their goblin rebellion still kept him occupied, or the teenager had finally chosen to finish his potions essay, fully well knowing that none of the other inhabitants of Remus' cottage would be able to help him with that.

It was already half past ten and surely Harry would go to bed soon, but before he checked on whether the teenager needed something, Remus wanted to look where Sirius was. 

This afternoon's conversation with his old friend had confused Remus. Confused him without ends, because it had been so unlike every other conversation they had had so far ever since he had arrived three weeks ago. There had been a lot of awkwardness between them, many uncomfortable silences, all those moments during which one of them had been reminded of what they had once been and would never be able to become again. Remus had never thought that living together with a man who had once been the centre of his world would become so difficult, but it was. And even more difficult. 

And there had been the opposite of it. There had been the morning after the full moon when Sirius had given him so much without probably even realizing it. There had been his physical presence, always something that had comforted and soothed Remus and especially Moony after this trying night, but this time Sirius had made him an even bigger present. He had given Remus the truth, the simple truth that James had not died believing him to be a traitor. It was a truth Remus himself had not known how much he had needed to hear it. 

But even that morning the mutual awkwardness around each other had been there, this time especially present when Sirius had traced that scar on Remus' upper arm. It had happened out of habit, Remus was sure about that. For a short moment, Sirius had seemingly forgotten that fourteen years of pain and hardship were lying between them today and the young men who had hopelessly been in love with each other they had once been. Back then, Remus had not minded when Sirius had traced his scars, but today he did. It evoke too many painful memories about something Remus had desperately tried to forget for the past fourteen years.

But however awkward and uncomfortable they had been around each other from time to time during the past three weeks, there had never been open antagonism as there had been this afternoon. They had been searching for middle-ground, for a way to interact with each other without hurting themselves or the other, and even though there had been tension between them, there had not been such strong negative emotions as Sirius had shouted them out this afternoon.

Remus had not intended it, but he had had a long conversation with his father about all this. Or rather, he had been spilling it all out while Richard Lupin had listened to him, and beforehand Remus had not been fully aware just *how* much the current situation bothered him. He had not thought about asking his father for advice before, even though Richard had been one of the first to be informed of Sirius' innocence a year ago. 

Not that he had really helped him that much this afternoon, Remus mused. His father had listened to him, had smiled that ever-present 'I knew that would happen' smile which seemed to be handed out to people as soon as they became parents, and had told his son flat out that Remus himself was the only person who could make that decision he obviously was about to make. 

'It all depends on what you want, Remus. If you aren't ready or willing to spend many thoughts on the issue of Sirius and yourself, then you best wait until the holiday is over and Harry is safely back at Hogwarts. Then you won't have to see Sirius every day anymore. 

But if you don't want to run away from yourself anymore, then think about it and decide if that's what you want or not. Basically, it's that simple.'

Oh yes, basically it was that simple. Problem was, theory and reality were quite a distance away from each other in this situation.

Hesitantly, Remus opened the front door and stepped into the hall.

'Heck, this is your own house, Remus. You shouldn't be sneaking in like a teenager after curfew.'

The problem about inner voices was that though they were often right, they were also one of the most annoying things in this world.

Deciding to heed its advice this time so that the nagging inner voice would be silent – it was already hard enough to share his mind with Moony, Remus definitely didn't need another 'guest' up there lest he end up in St. Mungo's – Remus made no attempt to soften the noise of the closing door and immediately headed into the living room where he suspected Sirius was. And he was right. Sirius was sitting on the sofa, an open copy of the Daily Prophet lying on the table in front of him. Remus knew Sirius well enough to tell that his thoughts were not on the newspaper. He doubted that Sirius had even turned a page since he had stormed off a couple of hours ago.

"Hey."

Sirius looked up from the paper as if he had just now realized that Remus had come home. His face didn't betray whatever emotions were going around in his head.

"Hi."

Silence. Again. Slowly, this was driving Remus insane. He wasn't the world's most talkative person under normal circumstances, but this constant silence was slowly nagging away the last of his nerves. Problem was, he didn't know how to start the conversation that was so needed between the two of them, either.

So instead of saying something, Remus sat down on the sofa next to Sirius and waited whether his friend had a better idea for a start.

Obviously not, because Sirius immediately pretended to read his paper again. Remus sighed.

"Sirius, we need to talk."

Sirius looked up, pretending to be surprised.

"Oh really? We need to?"

"Sirius please. Don't make this any harder than it is anyway, but after what was said this afternoon I should think that a talk would be necessary."  
Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Oh, if Remus thinks that a talk is needed then of course we'll immediately have that talk. Couldn't live with Remus not getting his wish now, could we?"  
"Sirius, don't start like that with me. If you really want to talk about the fact that though I think I've had a hard time in my life yours was still worse then you'll have to look for somebody else. I should think I had made that clear this afternoon."

Sirius just shook his head and turned back to his paper.

"Fine, ignore me. How very mature of you, Sirius. Very mature. And surely a good role model for Harry, now wouldn't that be great?"

"Leave Harry out of this."

Sirius' voice snarled this, a sure sign that this was one line of conversation he didn't necessarily want to pursue any further. Remus just shrugged.

"I don't think it's possible to leave Harry out of this. I think this is all about Harry, and about how much you hide behind your guilt-complex and your responsibility towards him. Because that's what you do, isn't it?"

"Shut up Remus. Shut up before you say something you might regret."

Remus just raised an eyebrow.

"Like you did this afternoon?"

Sirius grabbed the paper and threw it to the floor.

"Why do you feel the need to constantly analyze me? Is there a psychiatric streak in you which I've failed to notice before?"

Remus shook his head.  
"No. But quite frankly, I'm fed up with the way things are going right now. Truly, it's only three more weeks until Harry leaves for Hogwarts again, but I was hoping we'd meet each other from time to time after that, as well. And I just can't stand the thought that it's so awkward between us."

Sirius sank back into the sofa and stared at the dying fire in the fireplace.

"There are fourteen years of separation lying between us, Remus. We've become different people. Or – you've become a different person, and I'm the rest the Dementors left of the person I was at the age of twenty-two. Sometimes things like that just happen."

"The Sirius Black I knew would never have accepted that."

Sirius looked up, the haunted look his imprisonment had left in his eyes returned to full force.

"Maybe I'm not the Sirius Black you knew anymore."

"I don't know, you'd have to let me in so that I could find out. But you just don't. Whenever we talk, it's either about things for Albus and the Order, or it's about Harry. You don't let me in, I don't know what you think or feel about things anymore. There was a time when this was different."

Sirius laughed.

"I wasn't aware you'd want that."

Remus sighed. Discussing with Sirius had always been a rather difficult thing to achieve, but when he was in such a mood it was exasperating.

"Sirius, please look at me."

Sirius didn't move his eyes away from the fireplace, so Remus got up from his armchair and crouched down in front of the table, forcing Sirius to look into his eyes.

"Listen to me, please. If you'd rather have we forget how things once were between us then it makes me sad, but I'll accept it. But independent from all this I cherish your friendship. I want it back. But at the moment I have the feeling that you're living in my house but that you're not really here. I...when Albus told me that you'd arrive, I've been looking forward to having you here. I wanted to get to know you again, to find out what's left of our friendship and just try to forget all the shit that's happening out there at the moment. And when you finally arrived, I quickly realized that I had imagined it to be easier than it turned out to be.

We're both not the same anymore, but I just refuse to believe that there's nothing left of our friendship."

As soon as Remus had finished speaking Sirius turned his eyes away from him again, and so Remus moved around the table and sat down on the sofa next to Sirius. He didn't feel too well at the moment, not after he had told Sirius that he wanted his friendship back when in reality it was something completely different that he wanted. Something stronger, something even more precious, something he had lost the privilege to have over a decade ago. Remus didn't want Sirius' friendship, he wanted his love. 

"Is that really the problem?"

Remus shrugged.

"By now I believe I don't know what the real problem is, Sirius. I just don't know, and to be honest I'm too tired to find out. There are just too many problems. Yours, mine, Harry's, if we want to solve them all it'll take a lifetime.

But I can see that it's hurting you, Sirius. The way you think about the past, about Jamie and Lily, it's hurting you. You lose yourself so much in your guilt that you don't even realize that it's not been your fault at all. You are able to make Harry see those things, but you flat out refuse to see them for yourself. That's what I meant when I called you a hypocrite. 

Sirius, you have to accept that it wasn't your fault what happened back then. James made his own choice, you only wanted the best for him. You didn't betray him, Sirius. When you finally accept that, it might become easier. Stop living in the past, Sirius. Please."

Sirius defiantly shook his head.

"It's not...Remus, I...it's not easy. It's easy to say for you, but I just can't help thinking about it. Whenever I think about James, or even look at Harry, I can't help thinking that without me he'd still be here."

Remus sighed.

"Sirius, stop it! I'm serious, it won't do you any good."  
He lifted himself up from the sofa and went into the kitchen. Remus hadn't eaten since lunch that noon and hunger and fatigue were slowly catching up with him. And he dreaded the idea of going back into the living room and talk to Sirius again. Whatever it was they'd talk about next, Remus wasn't too sure whether he wanted to hear it. 

His sandwich was finished and eaten all too quickly, and a quick check of the clock told him that it was nearly half past eleven now. Harry would already be asleep now, no need to check up on him anymore today. With a sigh, Remus placed his plate into the sink and went back into the living room.

Sirius was still sitting on the sofa, staring into the fire. There was an expression on his face which Remus hadn't seen ever before. 

Sirius was still far too thin for his size, and there was hardly a sign left of his former muscularity, but the past weeks in the sun had tanned his skin and taken away most of the 'rotten-corpse-look' he had featured after his Azkaban escape. The clean clothes and hair made him look human again, but there was this haunted look in his eyes that – as Remus guessed – would never completely vanish again. But as he watched Sirius sit there in the otherwise unlighted living room, the shadows of the low-burning fire reflecting on his face and hair, Remus thought that he hadn't seen something as beautiful as this image in ages. All he wanted to do at that moment was go over to Sirius, take him in his arms and tell him that everything would be alright, but he guessed that wasn't such a good idea.

With quite a start, Remus realized that he must have been staring at Sirius for a couple of minutes already. Sirius had realized his presence in the room and was watching him intensely, again that unreadable expression on his face.

"Sirius?"

Sirius' eyes slowly focussed again and he smiled apologetically.

"Remus?"

"What's wrong?"

Sirius shook his head.

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong."

Remus smiled and sat back down next to him on the sofa.

"Don't give me that, Sirius. There's something bothering you, I can see that."

Sirius' shoulders sagged and he continued staring into the fireplace. The silence stretched long and not all that comfortable between them.

"You don't need to tell me, you know? I know that it's not like back then at school when we talked about everything. It's just...well, if you want to talk, then I'll be there to listen. I just want you to know."

Sirius shook his head.

"It's not that easy, Remus. It's not that easy."

Remus laughed mirthlessly.

"What ever is?"

Sirius looked at him for a long time, those blue eyes boring deep into his as if they were searching for something. Remus felt suddenly very shy and small under that gaze. It couldn't be, could it? It just couldn't be...

"Remus?"

"Hmmm?"  
"What if I tell you something, and you don't like what it is? What if it repels you enough that you don't want anything to do with me anymore?"

Remus bit his lower lip. What was Sirius driving at?

"Well, I can't tell you that as long as I don't know what it is you're talking about. All I can tell you is that I think it takes really much to drive me away. I don't have many friends, Sirius, and the few I have are the most important thing in my life. That's all I can say, though I don't know if it helps you any."

Sirius stared into the fire and refused to meet Remus' eyes. The silence settled back over the living room and Remus already thought that Sirius was too discouraged to talk about whatever it was that was weighing on his mind. Just as he thought that Sirius would remain silent, he spoke.

"Remus?"

"Yes?"

"Just hear me out, okay? Just hear me out. And in case you don't fee...in case you don't like what it is, just try to forget I said it, okay?"

Remus slowly nodded, trying to ignore the heavy pounding of his heart in his chest.

"Okay."

"It's just...Remus, your friendship means a lot to me."

"So does yours to me, Sirius."

"I don't want to lose it."  
Remus frowned.

"Me neither."

"I…Remus, I know that we're not what we once were anymore. I know it. I might not accept it yet, but I will in time. We don't know each other anymore, no matter how desperately I wish that it wasn't so.

But you're all that I have left, Remus, and I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose what I have in you now, your friendship, your loyalty, your trust. No matter how much I wish that we could return to what we once were, I know that we can't. 

But I need to say this, I need you to know it before something else happens and another fourteen years pass during which I don't have the chance to tell you."

Remus was startled when tears started to form in Sirius' eyes and ran down his cheeks. He could count the number of times he had seen Sirius cry on one hand and still have enough fingers left to make a rude gesture. Sirius had not cried often in front of others, even him, and if he had done, he had always tried to hide it as good as he could. But right now, Sirius made no movement to hide his tears. Remus wasn't even sure Sirius had fully realized that he was crying.

His voice quivering, Sirius continued, not taking his eyes off of Remus'.

"I know you don't feel the same anymore, Remus. You're not the same young man anymore who was hopelessly in love with me. You've moved beyond that and I have to accept it. 

I don't want to lose you, but I have to tell you this now even though it might drive you even farther away from me. But I need you to know that I never stopped feeling for you what I did feel before the shit hit the fan all those years ago. Not even when I started suspecting you of being the traitor. Not even when we broke up. Not even during all those years in Azkaban, no matter how much pain it brought. I never stopped loving you, Remus. I couldn't. I didn't want to. I'm sorry Remus, but I just can't help how I feel. I'm sorry."

Sirius bit his lower lip and abruptly turned his head, fixing his eyes on the dying fire in front of him.

Remus closed his eyes and took a couple of deep breaths. His chest felt as if a huge weight had been lifted, but as if he nevertheless was unable to breathe. He couldn't believe what he had just heard, he refused to believe that Sirius had just said what Remus had longed to hear for so many years now. If he allowed himself to believe this, and it turned out that it wasn't true then Remus would not be able to go on. Not another time, the last one had nearly killed him. 

Yet here Sirius was, sitting next to him, his eyes on the fireplace. The tears were still running down his face and suddenly Remus knew, he simply knew that what he had just heard had been true. If Remus had died that moment he'd have died a happy man.

He was aware that he and Sirius still needed to talk about a lot of things, there was still so much they had not yet cleared out of their way, at least not verbally. And a small part of his brain told him that he should not give in to his emotions, no matter how much he wanted it right now, before this had happened.

But nearly fourteen years was a long time, and Remus realized that he was not able to hold back anymore, that he didn't want to hold back anymore. Now that he knew that Sirius' feelings were still as strong as his own, maybe even strong enough to pick up the pieces and try to find a new beginning for them being together, Remus was willing to leave everything else aside for the moment. There would be enough time for it later. When his thoughts were more rational and his heart didn't threaten to burst out of his chest because it was beating so wildly.

Sirius still didn't look at him but kept his gaze fixed on the dying embers in the fireplace. Tear-tracks still stained his face, but even if they had not been there to prove it, Remus would have known how hard it had been for Sirius to say what he had just said.

After twelve years in Azkaban, even people who weren't half as strong as Sirius would be afraid to allow themselves such deep emotions. No, Remus corrected himself, people who weren't as strong as Sirius would not have survived what he had, at least not with their sanity intact. They would have broken so much earlier.

A huge wave of gratitude flowed through Remus. He hadn't prayed in a long time, but at the moment he wanted to thank whatever deity responsible for bringing Sirius back to him. It was nothing short of a miracle that the man who meant more to Remus than anybody else had survived more than a decade of torture, even though he had not had much of an aim to hold on to. 

But Sirius had returned, and though time and separation had changed them both from what they had been before, there was still the chance for them to become a 'we' again. 

Remus didn't know when he had last felt so warm, so centred, as if everything was suddenly back in place after so many years during which he had felt like falling apart.

He realized that he had yet to react to Sirius' last words.

"Sirius, please look at me."

His chin trembling slightly, Sirius tore his eyes away from the fireplace and turned around. He didn't meet Remus' gaze, though, so Remus cupped his chin with his left hand and forced him to look into his eyes.

"You are right. I am not the same young man who was hopelessly in love with you anymore. You are right that I have moved beyond that."

Sirius tried to free his face from Remus' grasp, tried to turn away so that he would not have to face Remus during the moment when he finally shattered all his hopes. But Remus would have none of that. Bringing his other hand up to Sirius' face as well, Remus framed it with his hands and held Sirius' head steady, his amber eyes never leaving the blue ones in front of him. New tears were running down Sirius' cheeks, and Remus gently wiped them away with his thumbs.

"It has taken me some time to realize it. Sirius, I moved beyond being in love with you many, many years ago. Even before we left Hogwarts. But you are most definitely wrong if you think that my feelings for you ever decreased to friendship. 

Sirius, ever since I had realized that what we had was more than giving in to teenage afflictions and hormones, ever since I realized that this wasn't just a teenage-romance, I moved beyond 'being in love' with you. I 'loved' you, more deeply than I've ever loved anybody else.

I'd be lying if I told you that I never doubted those feelings, especially after you got arrested and I believed you to be a traitor and murderer. I did. I needed to, otherwise I'd have gone mad. But just because I tried to get over my feelings, tried to push them into the background and forget about them, it doesn't mean that they vanished. It took me some time to realize it, but they are still there. They've always been there and I don't think they'll ever go away again. 

I love you, Sirius, as simple as that. I love you.

I know that the two of us still have a long way to go, and that it'll be hard, but if you're willing to try, I just want you to know that there is nothing I'd rather do."

Remus blushed slightly as he realized what he was saying, what he was proposing Sirius. Especially since he'd consider himself too shy to do something like this under normal circumstances. Never had he imagined himself to be the one proposing the new start of a relationship to somebody. But now that he had started, he could as well finish it. No, he *had* to finish it. He only hoped his voice would not break in the process.

"I don't want to lose your friendship, either. But I think it's far too late for me to see you just as a friend, no matter what will happen in the future. I love you with all that I am, and there will never be anything that can change that."

Remus didn't let go of Sirius' face, but he relaxed his hold on it until his hands were only resting softly against Sirius' cheeks. Immediately, Sirius dropped his head and stared at the floor.

"I'm sorry that you're stuck with me."

"What?"  
Sirius shrugged his shoulders.

"I'm sorry that you seem to be stuck with loving me. I never wanted for this to happen."

"But maybe I did."

Immediately, Sirius' head snapped up again.

"What do you mean?"

"Sirius, we definitely need to work on your self-esteem. Loving you is not a burden. It's a blessing. I wouldn't want it any other way even if I could change it. No matter how painful it has been or might be again.

I…I know that we're not the same people we were when we were young anymore. We need to get to know each other again, need to re-learn what once was so natural between us. But there is nothing I'd rather try than this. That is, if you want it, too."

For long moments, Sirius just stared at the man sitting in front of him, the man he had once thought to know better than himself. A shy smile was playing around the corners of Remus' lips but Sirius' didn't see it. He was staring into Remus' eyes, as if all the answers in the world were lying in those two amber pools. He didn't know if he could still read Remus as well as he once did, but he couldn't detect anything in Remus' eyes that would have contradicted what he had just said. There was no mocking in those amber orbs, no sign of rejection or mistrust. There was just affection, a warm and deep affection.

Not trusting his voice, Sirius bit his lower lip and nodded, not taking his eyes off of Remus'. It wouldn't be easy, and it surely wouldn't be all pleasure, Sirius knew that. 

If he wanted to have back what they had once had, or rather rebuild their relationship on a firmer foundation this time, he'd have to open himself completely. It would feel like betrayal if he kept anything hidden from Remus just because he thought it could stand in their way. If he made that step now, if he allowed himself to let his love for Remus surface again, it would be either completely or not at all.

Sirius didn't know if he'd have the courage or strength for that, but one look in Remus' eyes told him that he did not have to face this alone. Actually, he wouldn't have to face anything alone anymore if he gave in to his feelings now and allowed himself to love Remus Lupin again. It was a thought that frightened him more than the prospect of facing Voldemort and all his Death Eaters on his own, but at the moment Sirius also could not wish for anything better.

For a long time both men just sat there and looked at each other as if they saw each other for the very first time, taking in the image of the other, trying to memorize every line and wrinkle that had not been there when they had last been this close. It was true that both had changed and fourteen years of separation could not be made up in the course of one evening, but that was something they didn't think about at that moment.

As if drawn together by a silent command, Sirius and Remus leaned closer towards each other, reducing the distance between their faces until each could feel the other's breath on his face.

Remus knew that this was the point of no return, but every nerve and cell in his body was telling him, screaming, that it was the right thing to do. That there was nothing that could possibly feel more right than this. 

Closing his eyes, Remus bent forward a little farther and gently pressed his lips onto Sirius'. For a short moment, he thought that Sirius would pull away, would get up and run because he was not ready for this yet, because he might never be ready for it again, but then he felt him responding ever so softly. 

Sirius' lips were warm and soft, though not as soft as they had been all those years ago. It was new, it was different and yet it was just as he remembered it. Remus' hands moved from the sides of Sirius' face to the sides of his head, letting the silken black strands of Sirius' hair flow through his fingers before he moved his left hand to the back of Sirius' head and pulled him even closer.

When Sirius finally circled his arms around Remus and let his hands softly wander across his neck and hair, Remus didn't know how he could have ever survived without this. This was his world, with Sirius being where he belonged – close to him. As close as possible, and then even closer. He could feel Sirius' heart beating fast and was sure that the pounding of his own could be heard for miles. But he didn't care, because Sirius pressed even closer and coherent thinking was a lost concept for Remus. Giving in to the sensation and to the fireworks that seemed to be setting off in his stomach, Remus stopped thinking and allowed his instincts to guide him, hoping that they still knew what to do after all those years.

Maybe it was the fact that the last days had been a constant emotional turmoil for Remus as well as for Sirius, maybe it was because it was late in the evening and he was tired, and maybe it was because he was sitting here, with Sirius kissing him and thus fulfilling a dream Remus had not dared to dream for a long time, but whatever it was, it kept him from being his usual perceptive self. Remus didn't hear the footsteps on the wooden stairs, he didn't hear somebody enter the kitchen, or the sound of water running from the tap. So not only Sirius, but also Remus jumped nearly three feet into the air when suddenly the sound of breaking glass came from the direction of the living room door.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

The first thing Harry realized when he woke up was that his throat was scratchy. He was thirsty.

Groaning, Harry swallowed a couple of times and turned around in his bed, willing himself to fall asleep again.

He closed his eyes, but after a short moment opened them again, groaning again. He'd have to get himself something to drink, otherwise he'd not be able to fall asleep again. This was quite some dilemma, because Harry had no intention whatsoever to leave the warm cocoon of his blankets.

With a sigh, he rose after a few moments of inner debate. It was of no use, he'd have to get up. Putting on a pair of loosely tied sneakers to protect his feet from the cold tiles he silently opened the door and left his room. Harry didn't know whether Sirius and Remus were already in bed, but if they were he had no intention to wake them.

He silently descended the stairs and went into the kitchen, where he took a glass from the cupboard and filled it with cold water from the tap. While he was drinking, he walked through the kitchen towards the door that led into the living room. Muffled voices reached his ears and Harry breathed a sigh of relief. Sirius and Remus were still up, so he needn't have worried about waking them. He took another deep swig of the water, then moved towards the slightly open door. 

Why he hesitated to enter, Harry didn't know, but he didn't go into the room straight away. Maybe it was because the two seemed to have stopped talking, but that didn't explain Harry his own sudden reluctance.  

The room only seemed to be illuminated by the dying remains in the fireplace, but this gave enough light to show the two men on the sofa.

Harry stopped dead in his tracks as he realized just what he had run into. His godfather and his former teacher were sitting close to each other on the sofa, practically in each others arms. Now Harry understood why they had stopped talking. 

Sirius and Remus were kissing.

They were sitting on the sofa, snogging like two hormone driven teenagers on the Astronomy Tower during a June night. 

Harry knew he had to be staring open mouthed at them, but he didn't care. Never, never ever, not even in his wildest dreams had he imagined his godfather…and Remus…his ex-professor and his godfather…no, Sirius wouldn't. Sirius couldn't possibly be…gay...no, it wasn't possible. He would have told him, he wouldn't have kept it a secret. And it just couldn't be.

But here he was, Harry was seeing it with his own eyes. Sirius and Remus had lied to him, they had lied the entire time. Sirius had lied to him.

Harry didn't know for how long he had been staring at the pair, who were oblivious to the teenager standing in the doorframe, but a muffled moan from the direction of the sofa pulled Harry out of his stupor and he raced out of the kitchen, not even realizing that his glass of water had just shattered on the floor.

Remus and Sirius jumped up and apart at the same moment, both knowing what must have happened without having to think about it.

"Harry."

They said it in unison, and even the otherwise so self-restraint Remus had to suppress a curse at that moment.

Sirius ran a hand across his face in frustration.

"Oh fuck!"  
Remus only nodded, thankful that at least one of them didn't have the reservations to speak out what both were thinking.

"We should talk to him."

Sirius stared ahead for a moment, contemplating his possibilities. Eventually, he nodded.

"Let me try it alone first, Remus."  
Without even waiting for an answer, he left the room into the direction of the kitchen. What looked like shards of a water glass lay on the floor next to the door, only confirming that Harry had seen them in the living room. But where could he have gone to, Sirius had not heard him running upstairs again.

Outside in the hall the front door stood slightly ajar, as if somebody had pulled it close behind without really looking whether it fully closed. Sirius only hoped that Harry at least wore some shoes.

Sirius quickly followed Harry outside, and in the dim light of the crescent moon he could see Harry running down the street, into the direction of the town.

Sirius lost no time and ran behind his godson as fast as he could. He didn't want Harry to leave the safety of the wards that protected the house, at least not without somebody with him. 

"Harry, wait!"

Harry showed no sign of hearing Sirius, even though the distance between them had decreased noticeably. 

"Harry, please wait!"

Seeing that Harry had chosen the path of ignoring him, Sirius did the only thing he could think of. He leaped forward and a moment later a big black dog was running towards Harry at a speed Sirius Black could have never managed in his human form. It took him only moments to reach his godson.

When Harry saw Padfoot, he sighed and stopped running, but nevertheless he kept walking into the direction of town and pretended not to see the dog walking next to him.

With a low pop, his godfather appeared again. Harry decided to ignore him as well. After all, Sirius had lied to him about his relationship with Remus. 'Friends'. Ha! If those two were 'friends', then Harry desperately needed to redefine his definition of that word. 

Still panting from his dash out of the house, Harry kept his eyes locked on the road and viciously kicked every pebble and small stone that came across his path.

"Harry?"

Sirius' voice held an unusual amount of insecurity, and Harry didn't really know how to respond. He settled on ignoring him a little more.

"Harry, I know that this was unexpected and a shock for you, I know that I owe you more than just one explanation, but please can we talk in the house?"

Harry only shrugged, but didn't change his course.

"And what if I don't want to talk?"

"You don't have to. Nevertheless I'd ask you to come back to the house with me."

Putting all the resolution he could muster into his face, Harry finally tore his gaze away from the floor and looked his godfather square in the eye.

"And what if I don't want to come back? What if I don't want to live there anymore?"

A pained expression crossed Sirius' face, but it was gone as quick as it had come. Only his eyes showed how much this remark had hurt him, but Harry didn't regret saying it. He had been lied to for quite some time now, and finding out about that hadn't been a picnic either.

It seemed to take Sirius some time to find an answer for Harry's verbal challenge, or maybe he only needed that time to keep his composure. When he finally spoke, he sounded defeated.

"If you don't want to live with Remus or me, or both of us together, then we'll call Professor Dumbledore first thing tomorrow and try to find another safe solution for you. For tonight though, I'd ask you to come back into the house, or at least not to leave the wards around it."

He gestured towards a small hedge a couple of metres in front of them.

"The outer wards end shortly behind that hedge. If you left them, you'd be completely unprotected against whoever might decide to show up precisely tonight. I wouldn't want to risk it, no matter how unlikely."

Harry nodded slowly, turning his head to the left and right. After a moment, he left the street and walked towards the meadow on his left. Sirius sighed and followed him. 

Harry still didn't acknowledge his godfather's presence, he silently walked towards the far side of the meadow where it rose to a small hill. His arms crossed behind his back, Harry let himself fall to the ground on the slope, staring at the stars above him.

Sirius silently mimicked his movements, all the while carefully keeping a safe physical distance. He didn't say anything for the moment, Harry was the one who needed to make a start. 

Inwardly, Sirius was not half as calm as he appeared to be on the outside. Truth be told, he was completely and utterly confused. First he had had this conversation with Remus that had been draining him emotionally, strongly so. No matter how euphoric he was upon learning that Remus still held feelings for him that matched his own, speaking out all those doubts and fears, combined with his concern that any moment Remus might tell him the words that would shatter all his hopes again, had not been an experience Sirius ever wanted to repeat.

Then there had been the kiss. Even though he and Remus had kissed before, Sirius saw this as a first kiss in more than just one regard, a first kiss after they had grown up, with much more ballast on each of their shoulders, with many more reservations and hurt feelings in between them. 

And like first kisses often were, it had been careful, somewhat clumsy and yet the single most perfect thing in the world. Until the glass had shattered, that is. Or until the shit had hit the fan, to express it more metaphorically. 

The irony that Harry had caught them during their first kiss after nearly fourteen years was not lost on Sirius. Neither were the problems that would arise out of that fact. 

He had not told his godson about his relationship with Remus because there had never been the time for it. And neither had there been any opportunity to say something about it, Sirius could hardly have said 'Nice tournament, sorry about that other kid, oh, and by the way, remember Remus Lupin, your former teacher? I used to shag him when we were younger.' 

There had always been more urgent matters that had to be dealt with, and something like Sirius' love life had not been one of them. And it had not been something he had needed to tell Harry, at least not until tonight.

Until tonight, there had been no sign that there would ever be something possible between Sirius and Remus other than friendship. It just had not been necessary to share their emotional ballast from the past with Harry, the teenager had enough worries on his own. 

And now Sirius had screwed it up again. 

Suppressing a sigh, Sirius gazed at the stars above him and silently asked the question why he was always doing the wrong thing at precisely the wrong time. It had all started so well, they had finally some time they could spend together. A whole summer. And it had been great so far, they had had fun, they had learned a thing or two about each other, heck, they had been bonding. Harry had told Sirius about his nightmares, not hesitating to wake him up in the night. And now he had screwed all this up, just because he had had to snog Remus on the living room sofa.

Harry should have been his priority, not his love-life. Then they wouldn't be in this situation now.

"What?"

During his musings, Sirius had not realized that Harry had said something, at least not in time to understand what it had been.

"I asked you why you've been lying to me."

Sirius turned to his side and looked at his godson intensely. But Harry wouldn't meet his gaze, he merely continued to stare ahead at the stars.

"I didn't lie to you, Harry. At least not intentionally."

Harry snorted.

"No? And what do you call it then? You've told me that Remus is your friend. Your *friend*. Now, Ron is my friend, but as far as I remember *I've* never snogged *him* on the sofa. So either I have completely misunderstood the concept of being 'friends' or you haven't told me the truth about you and Remus. You and Remus have both lied to me. And if I hadn't found out, you'd have kept on lying for the rest of the holiday."

Sirius sighed.

"Harry, we haven't been lying to you. Until tonight, there was nothing between us that was worth telling you, nothing but lots and loads of emotional ballast."

Harry just shook his head and kept on staring at the stars.

"So what you want to say is that everything is alright as long as you don't blatantly lie to me. But keeping things from me is perfectly okay. It's okay not to tell me that you're gay, it's okay not to tell me that Remus is gay, it's okay not to tell me that you've once had something with each other, or still have, or whatever it is going on between you. Do you know how fed up I am with this? Nobody ever tells me anything unless it's absolutely necessary. 

It's already bad enough not to know who I am, not to know whether there might not be another thing about me nobody has told me so far. I don't need this with the people around me as well. I thought that I'm finally living with not only one, but two people who seem to really care for me. And then I have to find out that you obviously don't care enough to tell me something as important as this.

Ever since you've arrived, you've been telling me that I could trust you. That I could trust you with everything that was bothering me. And I did. But obviously *you* don't trust me enough to tell me what's really going on between Remus and you. What else have you two been hiding, Sirius?"

Harry's voice had grown continuously louder until he nearly shouted the words out. The last sentence however was spoken in a dangerously low and hissing voice, expressing all the anger that was boiling inside of him. To say that Sirius was stunned would be an understatement. He had never seen Harry lose control just like that.

But before he could think of a possible way to respond, he felt Harry's scrutinizing gaze leave him and the teenager jumped to his feet again, walking swiftly back into the direction of the house. Sirius got up and followed him, though he had no intention to catch up with his godson this time. As long as Harry wasn't running away anymore, there was no need to force his presence upon him, and Harry had looked as if he needed some time to contemplate it all.

Harry entered the house through the front door and Sirius guessed that he would immediately head upstairs into his room in an attempt to avoid Remus.

When he closed the door behind him, he heard Remus' voice from the direction of the kitchen.

"Sirius?"

Sirius entered the kitchen and the look on his face told Remus everything he needed to know. 

"I heard Harry dashing upstairs a moment ago. I take it didn't go well then, did it?"

Sirius sank down into a chair and sighed, burying his face in his hands.

"No, you could say that it didn't go well at all."

Remus moved his chair closer and put a hand onto Sirius' shoulder, a little hesitant to re-establish physical contact.

"What happened?"

Not taking his hands away from his face, Sirius sighed again.

"The short version is that he was running away until I chased him down as Padfoot. He ignored me for as long as he could, and then accused me – well, basically us – of lying to and hiding things from him. And Harry neither likes being lied to, nor does he like it when things are hidden from him. It seems he's had enough of that to last for a lifetime. I don't know what to do, Remus. I don't know what to do about Harry, I screwed it all up and now I just don't know what to do."

"Go to bed, Padfoot. We all need to sleep, and then tomorrow we can think of what to do. Tomorrow Harry might be more open for talking. And then we'll have enough time to talk as well. Let's just call it a night."

Sirius nodded and got up from his chair, for a moment standing hesitantly in front of the door. Eventually, he pulled out his wand and summoned a blanket and two pillows from upstairs.

"I think it would be better if I slept down here tonight. I don't think it would be wise to share a room until…as long as we don't know where all this will lead to. I…I'm sorry Remus."

Sirius nervously ran a hand through his long hair and then turned into the living room. Remus looked after him for a moment before he got up and went after his friend. From the doorway he observed how Sirius tried to arrange his long form on the small sofa, without success until he eventually took out his wand and lengthened the sofa to fit his size.

"Wouldn't you be more comfortable upstairs in your bed while I take the sofa?"

Sirius arranged the pillows under his head and then looked up at Remus.

"No, it's alright. Go to bed, Remus. Good night."  
Remus nodded.

"Okay."  
Sirius extinguished the lights in the room and turned on the sofa until he had found a comfortable position.

"Sirius?"

"Mmmphh?"

"I'm glad that you're here. That I'm here with you."

Sirius turned around again and opened one eye, gazing at Remus in the half-light that streamed into the room from the lamp in the kitchen.

"So am I, Remus."

Sirius' tone indicated that he had no idea where this conversation was leading.

"But Harry comes first, Sirius. I know that. Harry always comes and will always come first. He *has* to come first. I just want you to know that I'm aware of that. We'll do what's best for Harry."

For some long moments, both locked their gazes and just stared at each other, amber eyes looking into blue ones that seemed darker than their usual shade due to the lack of light. Eventually, Sirius nodded.

"Good night, Sirius."

And Remus turned around and left the room, though he had no intention to go straight into bed himself. 

Instead, he climbed the stairs and came to a halt in front of Harry's room.

Maybe it was no good idea to try and talk with the teenager while he was still angry. If even Sirius had not succeeded with that, Remus doubted that he would. Though he and Harry had grown a lot closer during the past three weeks, the bond Harry shared with Sirius was still a lot closer.

Before he knocked, Remus placed a strong silencing charm on the room. No need to wake up Sirius if things got a bit ugly here, and judged from Harry's mood chances for an ugly conversation were quite high at the moment.

Hesitantly, Remus knocked at Harry's door. When no answer came, he knocked again. The second time received no answer as well, and Remus concluded that he was being deliberately ignored. He knocked again and opened the door slightly.

"Harry?"  
"Go away!"

Remus pretended not to have heard and stepped into the room, closing the door behind himself. Harry was sitting on his bed, glaring at him.

"I said go away!"  
"Harry, please let me explain. You can be angry as much as you like, but please hear me out first."  
"No, I bloody well won't! I'm fed up with people telling me what to do and when to do it! I don't have to hear you out, and I don't want to hear you. Not at all, got that? It's all lies anyway, because that's what everybody keeps doing. Everybody lies to me, or keeps the truth from me and I'm royally fed up with all that shit! Why don't you go downstairs and shag Sirius or something!"  
"Harry!"  
"NO! I said go away, is that so hard to understand? I don't want to see you or Sirius right now! Not anytime soon, and preferably as little as possible in the future! I thought you were different, but you're just the same. I don't want to see you, so get out!"  
Startled by this very aggressive outburst, Remus bit his lip, but then nodded and turned towards the door.

"I'm sorry you had to find out that way. Really Harry, I'm sorry. Good night."  
"Get out!"

Remus closed the door behind him, took down the silencing charm and automatically went into his own bedroom again. As he sank down on the bed and looked at the empty mattress where Sirius had slept during the past nights, he sank back into his own pillows and buried his face in his hands. That was pretty much the deepest shit he'd been in emotionally for about one and a half decades. And he had no idea how to get out again. Realizing that sleep was out of question for this night anyway, Remus sat down on his bed and started to brood.


	9. An Old Friend

**Chapter Nine: An Old Friend**

What followed was another dinner in the Lupin-Potter-Black household during which the tension was so thick that Remus thought he could cut it with a knife. Three days since Harry had found out about them, three days during which every attempt to talk to Harry had failed. Except from Remus' attempt during the very first evening, but that one didn't count. Being shouted at certainly didn't qualify as a real conversation. The problem about the situation was that Remus had absolutely no idea how to improve things for them. Of course he could move to Hogwarts and leave his house to Harry and Sirius for the rest of the holiday, and Remus would have done so immediately had he seen only the slightest chance that Harry and Sirius would get along better if they were alone. But fact remained that Harry showed quite clearly that he appreciated neither presence at the moment. 

In addition to that, Dumbledore had been quite insistent on having two wizards around Harry all the time after what had happened at Privet Drive. And as there was nobody else available who knew about Sirius' innocence and had enough time to 'baby-sit' Harry, the only way for them was to keep things as they were in the hope that they might improve soon. Which would not happen anytime soon, from what Remus guessed. Things had gotten bogged down really thorough, really fast. 

And it wasn't only Harry's relation to the two adults which was dangling from a thin thread. Ever since Harry had found out about what had once been between Remus and Sirius the other man had not rewarded Remus with any more attention than absolutely necessary, either. They hardly talked, they didn't stay in one room together for longer than absolutely necessary and hardly anytime when they were alone, and they avoided any kind of physical contact, no matter how small. Remus understood the reason behind this, though he doubted that it would change things.

Sirius wanted to show Harry what the teenager didn't give him any chance to speak out loud: that Harry was more important than the relationship to Remus. From the effect it had, Sirius could as well have tried to show his love and devotion to a brick wall. Harry had completely withdrawn from his godfather.

It wasn't that he was downright homophobic, that didn't seem to be the problem at all. It didn't seem to be the fact that Remus and Sirius were gay that had irked him. No, what seemed to have upset Harry had been the fact that neither Sirius nor Remus had ever told him about it. Remus could understand the teenager. 

From what he knew, Harry had never been told the complete truth about things that concerned him straight from the start. Until he had been eleven he had not known that he was a wizard, and every single year he discovered something else nobody had told him about. The murderous godfather who in the end only wanted to protect him being somewhere on top of the list. Yes, Remus could understand that Harry had thrown a tantrum upon realizing that his godfather had once been together and might come together again with his former teacher. 

But Remus had the strong suspicion that there was something else bothering Harry about this. Something that struck home a little closer. Everybody who knew Harry a bit more closely knew about his desperate wish for a family. He could never have his parents back, but with Sirius he had finally found a father figure in his life. And for three long weeks everything had seemed just perfect. 

And all of a sudden, there was another person in Sirius' life who might be just as important for him. Harry was afraid that Remus would take Sirius away, and what he was doing now was just his typical reaction to being afraid: not showing it. The Boy Who Lived wasn't afraid of anything, or so at least Harry thought.

Remus sighed and levitated the dried dishes from the counter into the shelves and cupboards. Harry was already upstairs in his room again and Sirius had gone into the living room after dinner, which meant he was sitting on the sofa staring into the fireplace. Again. He had done that every night since Harry had found it all out. There was nothing Remus could do about that, but he really didn't need a friend who was drowning himself in self-pity right now. Not again.

With a wave of his wand, Remus turned off the lights in the kitchen and made his way towards his study. He could as well spent the rest of the evening getting some work for Dumbledore done. 

He crossed the hall and opened the door. Full moon was still more than a week away, and his brooding had kept Remus from paying a tighter attention to what was going on around him. So when Remus realized that something was wrong, it was already too late. The curse hit him before he even had the chance to even draw his own wand.

Sirius had the bad gut feeling that something was wrong. Twelve years in Azkaban might have cost him a lot of things he had treasured in the past, but old instincts didn't just vanish because they were unused for a long time. And all of his instincts were telling him right now that something was not the way it was supposed to be. 

During the three years he had worked as an Auror, Sirius had learned to trust those instincts. Grabbing his wand with a silent blessing to Albus Dumbledore for organizing it, Sirius tried to figure out what it had been that had set off his alarm bells.

He had come into the room half an hour ago, while Remus had been cleaning up the kitchen. Sirius had heard him rummage around, had heard the dishes clink in the sink, had heard cupboards open and close again. A couple of minutes ago, the dishes seemed to have been finished and Remus had left the kitchen. There had not been footsteps on the stairs as far as he remembered, but the opening of a door, followed by a low thud. And that 'thud' was what worried Sirius. It sounded as if something had fallen to the floor. Something – or someone.

His wand raised, Sirius opened the door to the kitchen and silently made his way into the hall. The door to Remus' study was standing ajar, but no lights in the room were lit. 

Sirius wanted to call out for Remus, but thought better of it. If there really was something wrong, the moment of surprise could be his biggest advantage.

With a soundlessness learned during months of Auror training and perfected during two years of flight from his former colleagues, Sirius closed the distance between himself and the door, mentally going through a list of curses to use in case somebody was hiding in Remus' study.

He took a last deep breath, then stepped into the doorframe while simultaneously lightening the lamps in the room.

The first thing he saw was Remus, slumped down in the chair he usually sat in while working on his desk. His eyes were closed, his lips pressed into a thin line as if he was in pain, and there was blood running down one side of his face, pouring out of a big gash on his left temple. And behind Remus, holding back his head with a rough grip on the werewolf's hair, stood the person who had done this. 

Peter Pettigrew.

Sirius had his wand raised and was ready to hex his former friend who had caused him so much pain and suffering with the nastiest spells he could think of, but he held himself back. It would not help Remus if he did anything rash now, because Peter had pointed his wand at Remus' heart and had his hand pressed tightly against Remus' throat. A hand which, Sirius realized, was completely made of silver. That explained why Remus seemed to be in so much pain even though he was unconscious.

"You", Sirius hissed, all the hatred he felt clearly expressed in this one syllable.

Harry finished the first scroll of his Transfiguration essay after dinner. McGonagall's holiday assignment was not difficult, which surprised Harry a little, but for the second part of his essay he would either need to consult his notes from last term or he'd have to go down and get the book Remus had wanted to give him a week ago. One look at the rolls of parchment in his trunk, which were filled with notes in an unreadable scrawl, some even containing written in-class conversations with Ron, and Harry's decision was made.

He didn't like the idea of going down and ask Remus for help, but maybe he was lucky and his godfather's 'lover' was still in the kitchen and he only needed to go into the study and get the book. After all, Remus had offered him to take it, so Harry guessed he didn't have to ask for it again if it wasn't absolutely necessary. He'd prefer not to talk with his former teacher, not at the moment.

As silently as possible, Harry left his room and went over towards the staircase. By now Harry knew which of the wooden stairs creaked and which didn't, so he made his way halfway down the stairs without causing any sound at all. He would have gone all the way down had he not heard his godfather speaking. And Sirius' voice sounded as if something was seriously wrong.

"Let go off Remus, Peter."

Peter? Harry's heart missed a beat. There was only one Peter he knew, and if Pettigrew truly was in the house, it meant trouble. Either for them, or for him. Especially if he had Remus. 

Harry could not suppress a shudder when he remembered the silver hand Voldemort had given his servant. Harry's breathing became heavier. He had no need to meet the little rat again, not after what had happened last time. Not after what Wormtail had done with Cedric. Before Harry could do anything about it, the memory of that night came back once again.

'Kill the spare!'

The wand in Harry's hand (When had he drawn it? He could not remember drawing his wand.) started to shake and it took Harry some moments and a couple of deep breaths before he had himself under control again. He didn't want to think about this now, and he could not allow himself to do so. Wormtail was in the house, and Harry needed to keep his wits together to help Sirius and Remus to get out of this situation.

Harry heard Peter laugh, an ugly sound somewhere between a hiccup, a belch and tuberculosis. It might have been intended to sound scary, but it was just plain disgusting. After a short moment, Wormtail answered Sirius.

"Scared for your little boyfriend, Sirius? Scared for wolfie?"

"Let him go, Peter."

Again that laugh.

"Oh, is Sirius Black at a loss for words? Strange, how little you resemble you resemble that big-mouthed, ever-grinning bragger who always had a bloody plan up his bloody sleeve, now that I have a wand pointed at your boyfriend's heart."

Harry carefully took another two steps down, so that he could see the door to Remus' study. He didn't see Wormtail or Remus, they had to be standing sideways in the room. But Harry could see Sirius, and he could see how much his godfather was bothered by what was going on. All colour had drained from Sirius' face, his left hand balled into a fist and his right hand was holding his wand in a dead grip. His eyes were narrowed and his lips pressed into a tight line. Sirius had a look in his eyes which Harry never wanted to receive from his godfather. That look could surely freeze boiling water.

"How did you get in here, Peter?"

"Pretty easy, Sirius. It's not that hard to disable yours and Remus' wards, not after all those years at school with you. I thought they were teaching to change your ward signatures from time to time in Auror training, you should have heeded that lesson. Dumbledore's protection spells were a little more difficult, but I've taken my time and disabled them one after another. We wouldn't want the cavalry come riding in here for help in the middle of all the fun, now would we? Not because of something as stupid as a little alarm. We're all alone here, Sirius, it's just you, me, wolfie and the boy."

"Leave Harry out of this."

Another disgusting laugh.

"Harry is the only reason why I'm here. Or do you think that my lord would send his most faithful servant just to deal with a fugitive convict and a werewolf?"

Now it was Sirius' turn to laugh, though this too was no laugh that was born in mirth.

"I think that Voldemort it mighty nuts if he entrusts an untalented coward like you with something he so desperately wants to be done. Not that I think he sent you alone, I know he didn't. Nobody who knows you just a little would be so stupid. Where's the backup crew, Peter? Outside, waiting until you screw it up, as usual?"

Though Harry could not see Wormtail's face, he could guess that Sirius' last comment had struck home. It was followed by a lengthy silence, and when Wormtail spoke again his voice sounded as if he was speaking through clenched teeth.

"You don't need to now where they are, Sirius. They'll come when I'm finished with you and Remus, and then they'll take the boy to my lord."

"You owe Harry a wizard's debt, you worthless little piece of filth! How can you even think about delivering him into the clutches of this madman?"

Harry could literally hear Wormtail shaking his head.

"There is no wizard's debt to fulfil if it goes against my master's wishes. I can't and I won't. And I don't think that I'll keep up this conversation for any longer, Sirius. I know what you're trying to do, but it doesn't work. You won't keep me from doing what I came here to do, no matter how much you talk.

I think I'll take care of your boyfriend here now."

Sirius tensed immediately.

"For fuck's sake, that's *Remus* we're talking about, you ruthless piece of scum."  
Wormtail ignored Sirius, but the other hadn't really hoped that this would help to change his mind. Wormtail had already delivered Jamie and Lily into the hands of Voldemort, and he had also been willing to accept Harry's death back then, and last month. Sirius didn't really hope that his conscience would return from its vacation just now. But he had to try. Remus was already hurt, and if that traitor did just one more thing to him...

"What do you think how long will it take for him to die if…well, let's say if some silver accidentally came into his bloodstream? I've heard that's supposed to be pretty painful for a werewolf. And it would only take something silver, pressed against an open wound for a little while. Oh, and look – what a coincidence – your dear Remus has a mighty big gash in his temple."

From his position on the stairs, Harry saw Sirius' eyes widen and he knew what Wormtail had to be doing. Surely Wormtail had been intelligent enough to use Remus to shield himself from Sirius. He had to know that Sirius would not risk hitting Remus with a spell aimed at Wormtail. Not really knowing what he did, Harry ran down the remaining stairs, at the same moment when Sirius overcame his paralysis and started forward.

"No!"

They didn't know who had shouted it, Sirius or Harry. But things were happening too fast for either of them to stop and think about this little detail.

Sirius reached Wormtail at the moment when Harry came into the hall and through the open study door Harry only saw is godfather knock the smaller man away from Remus and to the floor. Remus immediately slumped to the side and down from the chair as soon as Wormtail didn't keep him upright anymore. At that moment, they could hear commotion from behind the front door and in the back yard. Sirius looked up from where he had been 'taking care' of Wormtail and for the first time discovered Harry standing in the hallway.

The first thing Sirius said was something he definitely wouldn't repeat in mixed company, but he quickly regained his composure.

"Harry! Take the upstairs portkey and get out of here. Send whomever you find at Hogwarts to help. Now!"

Harry shook his head and wanted to argue with his godfather. He couldn't leave Sirius and Remus here, not with Remus injured and unconscious and a bunch of Death Eaters at the backdoor.

"But…"

Sirius looked up sharply.

"Go Harry! There is no time to argue, just do what I say. I can deal with them, Remus and I will follow as soon as possible. GO!"

Harry nodded and with a last glance at his godfather and Remus ran back towards the staircase. His way upstairs was guided by the sound of curses being shouted downstairs. As fast as his feet would carry him, Harry ran back into his room and took the small box from his bedside table. Inside was a Pepsi can, and Harry didn't allow himself to think much about it before he touched it. He still didn't like travelling by portkey and he doubted that he'd ever lose this fear, but at the moment he didn't have any other choice. He needed to get help for Sirius and Remus and he needed to get it fast. In a flash of inspiration, Harry quickly grabbed his Firebolt from the corner next to the bed and then put his hand onto the can. Immediately, the tuck behind his navel pulled him away.

Harry fell to the floor in the main street of Hogsmeade, in front of Honeydukes. In the last moment before he had touched the portkey, Harry had realized that he would have to cross the distance between Hogsmeade and Hogwarts castle somehow, and using his broom was a lot faster than running all the way. And if there was something he could use now, then it was speed.

Harry didn't even take enough time to brush the street dust off his robes or to try and will his hands from shaking, immediately after he had gotten to his feet again he mounted his broom and zoomed along the main street, into the direction of the castle.

Had Harry run the distance, it would have taken him at least twenty minutes to reach the castle. Now, with his broom at full speed he managed it in slightly less than five, though those five minutes seemed to be the longest Harry had ever lived through. No matter how fast Harry managed to reach the castle, he had the bad gut feeling that it might not be fast enough. Sirius and Remus were in the house, defending themselves against Merlin only knew how many Death Eaters. Remus was injured and possibly still unconscious. They could not apparate out, if the Death Eaters had managed to disable the anti-apparition ward around the house they would not have needed to go the lengths of disabling all the other wards. But if they could not apparate, their only way of leaving the house was the downstairs portkey, and that was in the kitchen. To reach it, Sirius and Remus would have to leave the study, and Harry only hoped that somehow they would manage.

As soon as Harry reached the front stairs, he jumped off his broom and ran inside. He didn't particularly care that he left his broom lying just outside the castle. Under normal circumstances, he'd never leave his treasured Firebolt just lying around, but at the moment Harry had other things on his mind. The question where to go to being top of the list.

Harry could kick himself that he had not thought earlier about what he would do once he reached the castle. Dumbledore wasn't there, he remembered hearing the old wizard explaining his absence to Remus through the fireplace a couple of days ago. And Harry didn't know who else was currently staying at the castle. 

But as he had to make a decision anyway, Harry decided to test his luck again and ran towards the Transfiguration corridor as fast as his feet would carry him. He only prayed that McGonagall was here, and that she was in her office.

Harry dashed wildly through the corridors and up the staircases, and when he finally reached the deputy headmistress' office his face had a deep red colour and he was panting. Not bothering to knock, Harry ripped the door open and ran inside. 

The first thing that happened was that Harry somehow tripped over the doorstep and came literally flying into the room. Realizing that he was about to fall, Harry closed his eyes and only hoped that the impact would not knock him unconscious. But just before he hit the floor, a strong pair of arms grabbed him around the chest and heaved him into an upright position again.

Good, that meant at least somebody was there.

"Mr. Potter, would you care to enlighten us about why exactly you come banging into this office?"  
Harry swallowed and opened his eyes while he allowed the person who had caught him to lead him over towards an armchair at the wall. He knew that voice, he'd recognize it everywhere. Unfortunately.

As soon as Harry had his eyes open again, he looked into the coal black eyes of his least favourite Professor. Severus Snape was still holding Harry upright by the shoulders and didn't let go until he had pushed Harry securely into the armchair and was sure he wouldn't fall over. 

Snape looked as sour as ever, just as if he'd be delighted to expel Harry for running into McGonagall's office without previous announcement. Behind him stood the head of Harry's house next to her desk, an expression of surprise and disbelief on her face. From what her desk looked like, McGonagall and Snape seemed to have been working on the schedules and for the upcoming school year.

"Mr. Potter?"

Snape shook Harry's shoulders and waved a hand in front of his eyes. Harry knew that he had not been in the office for more than half a minute, but patience had never been one of Snape's virtues before. Though he was still panting, Harry did his best to tell what had happened to bring him here.

"Professor…Death Eaters attacked…I, I took the portkey out, but…Sirius and Remus, they're still there, and…Remus…Wormtail…he's hurt, he's done something to him…"

It wasn't coherent, and Harry himself would not have understood what he was talking about, but as soon as he had mentioned the Death Eaters, Snape had sprung to his feet again. McGonagall came over from behind her desk and stood between Harry and her colleague.

"Mr. Potter, do I get this right? You and Remus Lupin have been attacked by Death Eaters, and Sirius Black is still in the house? Why were you at Remus Lupin's house? What in Merlin's name is Black doing there? Did he attack you? And who is hurt?"

Harry suddenly realized that nobody seemed to have told McGonagall the story of Sirius' innocence so far, and neither had he the breath nor did he think they had the time to do so now. He turned his eyes towards Snape, a somewhat pleading quality in them. The older wizard nodded into his direction and then turned back towards McGonagall.

"Black is innocent, Minerva. I'd suspect he has been living with Lupin and Potter during the past weeks, after there was a Death Eater attack at Privet Drive."

He turned back to Harry.

"There are anti-apparition wards around Lupin's house? Professor Dumbledore's wards?"

Harry nodded.

"Minerva, go to the headmaster's office and take them down. Then take Filius and floo to Fletcher's office. Take as many Aurors as he can spare and go help Lupin and Black. Whatever happens, don't let them take Black to the Ministry. Fletcher knows about him, but I don't think anybody else does. Bring them here as fast as possible, I'll take care of Potter."

Harry was slightly startled when McGonagall immediately left the room to do as Snape had said. That she as the deputy headmistress was taking order from Snape seemed to stand against all reason. But soon it dawned on him that Snape could hardly go on his own to stop the Death Eaters who were attacking Remus' house, not if Harry's suspicions were true and Snape was sent to go and spy on them again. And Snape surely knew more about how to deal with those kinds of situations than the Transfiguration professor.

Harry looked up in surprise when Snape handed him a glass of water. As he took it, he realized that his hands were shaking worse than before.

"Potter, I need you to tell me exactly what happened."

Snape leaned against McGonagall's desk and stared at Harry intensely, waiting for him to begin. Harry quickly drowned the water, placed the glass on the desk and began to tell.

"I was upstairs, I don't know how it started. But when I went downstairs", he checked the clock behind McGonagall's desk, "something like fifteen, maybe even twenty minutes ago, Sirius was talking to Wormtail in the study. He seemed to have overwhelmed Remus, and he was threatening to kill him. Wormtail said that they had come to take me to Voldemort."

Harry swallowed hard against the lump that formed in his throat. Because of him. It had all happened because of him. No matter how much Remus and Sirius had insisted that they wanted to have him with them, in the end they had come to harm because of him.

Snape nodded.

"What about the wards around the house? Do you know how they brought them down without setting all alarms off?"

"Wormtail said something about Sirius' and Remus' ward signatures. That he knew them and brought down the wards that way. And that they somehow managed to bring down Professor Dumbledore's wards as well, though it took more time.

Then Sirius and Wormtail were shouting insults at each other for some time, before…Wormtail, he threatened to kill Remus, to bring silver in his bloodstream, and then Sirius ran in and knocked him over. It…it all happened so fast, there were other Death Eaters trying to get into the house and then Sirius saw me. He told me to take the upstairs portkey and get help, he said he and Remus would come after me as fast as they could."

"What about Lupin?"

Harry just shook his head.

"I don't know. I don't know what Wormtail did to him. He was still alive, but unconscious I think. And Wormtail said that he was bleeding. I don't know what happened after Sirius knocked Wormtail out, I just don't know."

Harry felt a tingling pressure behind his eyes and quickly lowered his gaze so that Snape would not see the tears that were forming there. Now that he had done everything he could, now that he had reached the castle and sent for help, all of Harry's reserves seemed to crumble. He was tired, exhausted, hungry, thirsty and afraid, and all he wanted to do was curl up into a ball and cry until somebody came, gave him a hug and told him that everything was alright again. Of course, that was no alternative. He was fifteen years old by now, and fifteen year olds didn't behave like that.

Snape seemed to realize that Harry had reached the maximum of what he could take, because he pushed himself away from the desk and walked towards the door.

"Follow me, Potter. We'll put you into Gryffindor tower until Professor McGonagall and that good-for-nothing godfather of yours come here."

Harry didn't even react to Snape's taunting, he silently followed the Potions master through the corridor and down a staircase. Harry was long since running on automatic, he did neither register what way they took, nor did he hear the trademark billowing of Snape's robes every time he turned around a corner. Within minutes, both were standing in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"Professor, what a surprise to see you here. Oh, and Mr. Potter, I see."

Snape didn't answer the Fat Lady's question, instead he barked the password at her.

"Gillyweed"

"If you say so."

The Fat Lady swung aside and revealed the Gryffindor Common Room behind the entrance. Harry stepped in, followed closely by Snape.

With a wave of his wand, the professor lit a roaring fire in the fireplace and immediately the room became lighter and warmer. Harry sunk into a sofa in front of the flames, completely ignoring the unusual picture of the head of Slytherin house standing in the Gryffindor Common Room.

"I will send a house elf to bring you some food and prepare you a bed. I have to go and tell Madam Pomfrey about what happened. She'll be in the infirmary and I'll be in my office, should something else happen."

"Thank you, Professor."  
Snape just nodded coldly at him and then turned and left the room. Harry sank back into the sofa and pulled his knees up to his chest. Now he was alone. Everybody else was out there, doing everything they could to help Sirius and Remus and all he could do was sit here and wait for them to come back. And he dreaded the news they would bring with them.

Harry didn't doubt that Sirius was a powerful wizard, but he had spent fourteen years without a wand and had just recently been given a new one. Harry had his doubts whether his godfather would have been able to defend himself against a group of opponents, and not only defend himself but also defend the unconscious and helpless Remus. 

Harry had not allowed himself to cry in front of Snape, and actually he didn't want to cry at all, but now that he was here, alone in the otherwise always crowded Gryffindor Common Room, Harry couldn't hold back the tears. They just spilled out of his eyes and ran down his face beyond his ability to fight them back.

Why did all this shit always have to happen to him? For a couple of glorious weeks, everything had seemed to finally turn out great. He had been living with Sirius and Remus, two people who really seemed to care for him. They had cared that he was feeling alright, that he was doing his homework, that he was eating enough, Sirius had taken him flying while Remus had played chess with him, they had comforted him after his nightmares and had been there when he needed someone to talk to. It had been fun. It had been just like Harry had always imagined living in a family. 

And then he had found them snogging on the sofa. 

It wasn't the fact that they were both men which had annoyed him so much. Truly, Uncle Vernon had always talked about gay people as if they were mentally ill, but then again who ever listened to what Uncle Vernon said. 

No, Harry didn't particularly mind that his godfather was gay, or that Remus was gay. He didn't even really mind that they were together. But what really, *really* pissed him off was that again nobody had seen the need to tell him about it. If he had not found them on the sofa, they would have kept on lying to him for the rest of the summer. And that made Harry really angry.

Nobody ever told him anything, he always had to find things out himself, he always was the last to find things out. Nobody seemed to care that this made Harry feel either dumb or like a small child. He didn't like to be treated like that. He had been through so much already in his life, and still people around him thought he was not ready to understand what was going on.

He was angry at Sirius and Remus, and from his perspective Harry believed he had every right to be angry. But he just couldn't help hoping that his godfather and his former teacher would come through the portrait hole any moment. Harry wanted nothing more than seeing them alive and well right now, everything else didn't matter at the moment.

"Harry Potter sir!"

The squeaky voice made Harry look up. In front of him stood a house elf, a tray with tea and sandwiches in its hands. The huge bat-like ears were flopping to and fro, and it seemed to be bouncing on the balls of his feet. As soon as Harry looked at the house elf, he knew why it was so excited to see him.

"Dobby!"

"Professor Snape said to bring something to eat to Gryffindor tower, but he didn't say that Harry Potter was staying here. What is Harry Potter doing here during the holidays?"

Harry shook his head.

"Don't ask, Dobby. Please don't ask."

Dobby put the tray down on the small table next to Harry's sofa and banged his head against the armrest of the sofa once.

"Dobby should not be asking those things. Dobby is sorry."

"Dobby, it's alright. It's just that it is a long story, and I don't really want to talk about it now. But it's not your fault."

In McGonagall's office, Harry had still felt hungry, but now that he had a plate of food standing in front of him, he felt as if he was going to get sick. Nevertheless he took one of the sandwiches and nibbled at it listlessly.

"Dobby?"

"Yes, Mr. Potter, sir?"

"Could you…could you stay here for a while? I could do with some company."

The small creature nodded enthusiastically. 

"Dobby would be honoured to be company for Harry Potter. Dobby has to be in the dungeons in half an hour, but until then Dobby will stay here with Harry Potter."  
Harry managed a weak smile into the direction of the small elf.

"Thank you, Dobby."

They didn't talk much after that, but Harry had not intended for them to talk. He was just glad not to be alone in the common room. It appeared to be so big when nobody else was staying at the castle.

Dobby encouraged Harry to eat more of the sandwiches, then he sprinted upstairs to prepare Harry's bed in his dormitory, came down again and dusted off the tables and sofas.

He was in perpetual motion, but Harry was really glad for it. Watching the small creature fuss around the room kept him from brooding too much. The time passed within a blur, and before Harry even realized it, Dobby bid him goodbye and left for the dungeons, of course not without promising to return while Harry was still staying at Hogwarts. And as quick and silently as he had come, Dobby vanished again.

Harry sighed and leaned back on the sofa. Surely it couldn't take that long to go and get Sirius and Remus out of the house? What could be keeping McGonagall and the Aurors she had been supposed to bring?

Maybe one of them had seen Sirius and had alerted the Ministry before Fletcher could stop him? Harry thought that wasn't likely. Sirius didn't resemble his wanted posters that much anymore, and he'd surely be intelligent enough to transform into Padfoot as soon as all those strangers approached. 

Another reason why still nobody had come and told him what had happened could be that something had gone horribly wrong. Maybe McGonagall and the Aurors had arrived too late. Maybe Wormtail had already made his threat a fact before help arrived. Maybe Harry had been too late, had taken too long to reach the castle and now Sirius and Remus…

Harry didn't allow himself to finish that thought. He didn't want to think about what could have possibly happened to Sirius and Remus after he had left. They surely were alright, they *had* to be alright.

Harry didn't know what to do. For a short moment he contemplated leaving the common room and retrieving his broom from where he had left it, but soon Harry decided against it. Knowing his luck, people would come running into the common room with news as soon as he had left it.

Harry lay down on the sofa, facing the fireplace, and studied the pattern of the fabric on the pillow next to his head. He found a loose red thread and started picking on it for a while. Only when the entire side of the pillow was covered in lose threads of red and gold did he stop. His hands had started shaking again, too much to grab the fine threads anymore. Harry balled his right hand into a fist and slammed it into the pillow, over and over again. All his anger and frustration was finally breaking through. 

"It's. Not. Fair. Not. Bloody. Fair!"

Harry emphasized each syllable with a well aimed punch into the pillow, and only when his knuckles started to hurt did he grab the pillow and threw it onto the wall with all his might. 

The blasted tears were back again. This time Harry didn't even try to fight them, he just buried his face in the armrest of the sofa and sobbed for all that he was worth. Harry didn't know for how long he had cried, when suddenly the portrait hole opened and somebody called out his name.

"Harry?"

Harry wiped his eyes and within fragments of a second he was sitting bolt upright on the sofa, staring wide eyed at the door.

Sirius was standing in the doorway and slowly came over to where Harry sat. He looked as if he had just returned from a short trip to hell. His black hair, which was usually held back in a ponytail, was messed up and falling loosely around his shoulders, his face was pale except from his left cheekbone, where a dark bruise was already forming. He was walking carefully, as if every part of his body was aching, but nevertheless he managed to smile weakly at Harry.

Harry didn't look at Sirius' appearance, not at all. For a moment he was staring at his godfather as if the older man was nothing but an apparition, but then he jumped off the sofa and flung himself into Sirius' arms without thinking twice about it, not caring in the slightest that those blasted tears were back again.

Sirius winced as Harry's form made impact with his chest, but nevertheless he held Harry close, rubbing comforting circles across his back.

"Sirius…I'm so glad you're alright. I was so worried."

Sirius slowly moved them both over towards the sofa and sat down heavily. Harry withdrew from the embrace and smiled sheepishly, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. Not daring to look his godfather into the eyes, Harry started to babble.

"I'm sorry, Sirius. Really, I'm so sorry. It's all my fault, and I was so worried that you wouldn't make it out there in time. Sirius, I've been a complete ass…"

Sirius squeezed Harry's shoulder gently.

"Harry, it's alright. Nobody is mad at you, nobody was mad at you, okay? We can talk about it when all this is over."

Harry nodded and let out a deep breath. Sirius was back, and though he was a little worse for wear, it would all be alright within some time.

Harry looked into Sirius' face, and the look in his godfather's eyes made his heart skip a beat. Those blue eyes didn't say 'everything will be alright', not at all. And then Harry realized what was wrong. 

Sirius had come here alone. 

Without Remus.


	10. Unpleasant Meetings

**Chapter Ten: Unpleasant Meetings**

"Sirius, where is Remus?"

Sirius didn't answer straight away, but his eyes became unfocussed and distant. He bit his lower lip and his chin began to tremble. If Harry had needed the confirmation that indeed something was terribly wrong, this would have been it. Sirius' entire bearing had changed during the fragment of a moment after Harry had asked that question. He had never seen Sirius that scared and beside himself before, and it did little good for Harry's own peace of mind. 

"Sirius? What has happened to Remus? Where is he?" Harry's breath caught in his throat. "He isn't…oh no...please don't tell me that he's…"

Sirius closed his eyes and slowly shook his head.

"No Harry, he's still alive. But I'm afraid we don't have much time."  
Harry looked up, his eyes wide.

"What happened?"

Sirius sighed and buried his face in his hands, rubbing his eyes warily.

"It seems that Peter has learned a thing or two during the past fourteen years."

He slowly got up from the sofa and stretched his hand out to Harry. The teenager took it and Sirius pulled him up and towards the portrait hole.

"Come."

Harry followed Sirius out of the Gryffindor common room and into the corridor. He didn't need to ask where they were going, he already knew that they were heading towards the infirmary. That was where Remus had to be, that was where Sirius and he were supposed to be as well. They walked in silence down the staircases and into hall where the infirmary lay. Sirius opened the doors and they walked silently into the room. Harry suddenly remembered that it had only been a couple of weeks ago that he himself had woken up here after the last Death Eater attack, with Remus sitting at his bedside.

Only one bed in the infirmary seemed to be occupied, with the curtains drawn close around it. Madam Pomfrey had been sitting at her desk, but upon seeing Sirius she came over towards them immediately.

It seemed that somebody had explained Sirius' innocence to her, or she quite frankly didn't care about the legal status of her patients. Whichever it was, she immediately came over and tried to drag Sirius away.

"I told you that I wanted to have a look at you Mr. Black. Over here onto the bed, if you please."

Sirius groaned. 

"And I told you that I was fine…"

Madam Pomfrey waved her hand in the air while the other kept pointing her wand threateningly at Sirius. 

"I don't want to sedate you, but I'll do if I have to. I see that you're still as stubborn as you were back at school. The sooner you come over here, the faster we get this done. Take your shirt off and sit down, please."

The nurse's voice had taken a dangerous edge which left no possibility but to obey, even for somebody like Sirius. Though he still didn't look too excited about the prospect of a thorough check-up, he carefully took off his shirt and sat down on the bed Madam Pomfrey had indicated. Harry sucked in a sharp breath as he got a look onto his godfather's chest.

His lower chest, abdomen and sides were covered in bruises and scratches, and Harry also saw a not so small number of hex marks amongst the bruises. Harry didn't know how Sirius and Remus had gotten out of the house, but if they had taken the other portkey, then Remus had not been able to help very much in the fighting. Sirius seemed to have taken the brunt of all the spells and physical attacks that had been aimed at them. Madam Pomfrey raised an eyebrow.

"So you're fine, yes? Mr. Black, this doesn't look particularly *fine* to me." While saying so, she poked a particularly nasty looking bruise with the tip of her wand, making Sirius wince as if to confirm Pomfrey's words that he wasn't doing all fine. "I'll take care of those bruises and cuts, and then I'll give you a pain-numbing potion. But first I'll make sure that nothing is broken. Please hold still for a moment."

Sirius did as he was told and kept still throughout the entire examination. Luckily, nothing was broken and after two quick healing spells, Sirius pulled over his shirt again and quickly gulped down the goblet of potion Madam Pomfrey held out to him. He didn't particularly care about his own condition at the moment, bruises and sprains or not.

"What about Remus?"

The nurse only shrugged, and whatever meaning there was behind this gesture, Harry didn't understand. He guessed that it meant Remus' state had not changed, that would also explain why Sirius' face had hardened again.

"I want to stay with him."

Madam Pomfrey only nodded. Usually she preached her patients' need for rest whenever possible to whoever willing or not willing to listen, but in this case she might have realized that she had a snowball's chance in hell to keep Sirius away from Remus. 

"Just don't expect too much, Mr. Black."

Sirius gave Harry a small forced smile, then beckoned him to follow him behind the curtains around Remus' bed. Harry took a deep breath to steel himself, then did as was asked.

Remus was lying in the hospital bed, on the first look appearing to be merely asleep. The cut on his temple seemed to have been healed and the blood been washed from his face. He was abnormally pale, his face had a somewhat pained expression and from time to time small tremors wracked through his body, but other than that, there was nothing indicating that something was really seriously wrong. But Harry guessed that something had to be really wrong, otherwise Sirius would not behave the way he did. 

He had sat down, his eyes fixed on Remus' face. One of Remus' motionless hands had been taken into Sirius' own, and he gently brushed his thumb across the back of Remus' hand. Harry sat down in a chair on the other side of Remus' bed and watched his godfather intensely. 

Sirius didn't seem to realize that he was there anymore, his attention was completely focussed on Remus. 

But Harry still didn't know what was so wrong with his godfather's friend, it really looked as if he was merely asleep. After a moment, he voiced that thought.

"Sirius, what's wrong with him? It looks like he's only sleeping."

For a moment Sirius didn't react, he merely held onto Remus' hand as if it was his lifeline. Finally, he tore his gaze away from Remus' face and looked at Harry. The teenager was startled when he saw the hollow and pained look in Sirius' blue eyes. Not letting go off Remus' hand, he shook his head. After a long moment during which he seemed to search for the right words, Sirius began to speak.

"It...it was Wormtail. Wormtail was in the house."

Harry nodded.

"I know. I...I heard you talking from the staircase."

Sirius looked up at him, as if the events of the past two hours were too confused in his head for him to remember that particular detail.

"How much did you hear?"

"Pretty much everything, I guess. I heard that he threatened Remus, heard him talking about the other Death Eaters outside, heard him talking that they had come because of me. To bring me to Voldemort."

The last part came out as a whisper as Harry's voice broke and he looked down at his folded hands.

Sirius slowly nodded, remembering. When he spoke again, his voice sounded hoarse, and the words came out slow, as if the effort of talking was causing him physical pain.

"When you were gone, a hell broke lose. Remus...I don't know how Wormtail knocked him down, but he was pretty much out of it. And when the back-up crew arrived, it all got a bit confusing. I had really thought that I had knocked that little bastard out for a good while, and through all the cursing and hexing I didn't realize that he wasn't. I...I knew we needed to get out of the study as fast as possible, but when I turned back to get Remus I saw Wormtail bent over him."

Harry closed his eyes and swallowed.

"His silver arm?"

The arm he got because of me, Harry thought. Because I was there and made it possible for Voldemort to carry out the rite.

Sirius shook his head and rubbed his eyes with the balls of his hands.

"No."  
He laughed mirthlessly.

"No, not his silver arm. That would have been good to...to torture Remus, to make it slow and painful, but I guess he rather wanted to make it quick and irreversible. He was well prepared."

Sirius bit his lower lip and looked down at Remus, absent-mindly running a hand through the other's sandy brown hair.

"He had powdered silver."

Sirius' voice broke and slowly, dreadfully the implication of this last sentence sank in for Harry. The third year Defence lesson on werewolves came to his mind, the (at that time rather meaningless) paragraph about werewolves' reaction to silver in his textbook. 

_'Silver is lethal to werewolves in either form, therefore werewolf hunters have been using silver bullets for centuries. Pressed to the skin of a lycanthrope, silver causes third degree burns that immediately break the skin open. Silver in the bloodstream of a werewolf is equally lethal, depending on the amount of silver molecules inserted immediately or after a time not exceeding twelve hours latest.'_

"Oh god."  
Sirius nodded slowly, as if he knew what Harry had been thinking about.

"It's...he'll...but...he can't...will...will he die?"

Sirius shrugged, not taking his eyes off of Remus. The only indication that he was worried about this just as much as Harry was, was the extreme look of pain on his face.

"I don't know, Harry. We don't know. There's...a potion. Snape's off to brew it at the moment."   
Remarkably, Sirius' face for the first time remained completely impassive at the mention of Snape's name.

"It can...neutralize a certain amount of silver in the blood before the silver starts damaging the cells lethally. If it's taken in time. Remus will probably be puking out his guts as soon as he's taken it. But, well, if the potion isn't administered in time, or if there's too much silver in his system...he'll die."

Sirius' voice broke and Harry bit down on his lip, hard.

"There's nothing we can do?"

Sirius looked up, his blue eyes looking extremely watery with tears that were threatening to fall.

"No. Nothing we can do."

Harry looked down at his former teacher's body on the hospital bed. Remus' skin was nearly translucent on his arms and hands, he could see the veins standing out blue against the pale skin. Veins through which at the moment poison was running through Remus' body, killing him slowly from the inside.

When he looked up again, he found that Sirius was no longer paying him any attention. In fact, Harry would have been surprised if his godfather would have acknowledged anything around him except from Remus. With his left hand he was still holding on tightly onto Remus' hand, while his right hand was combing through the sandy brown hair. 

All the while Sirius was muttering reassuring phrases, surely more for his own peace of mind than for Remus'. Harry didn't think it wasn't very probable that Remus even realized they were there.

While he was watching his godfather and Remus, Harry realized that all his previous anger for the two men had vanished in the light of the latest events. It didn't surprise him at all, though he had been really upset and angry that Remus and Sirius had hidden their relationship from him he had never wished any harm come to them. They had really been through enough in the past years.

Harry leaned back in his chair and took Remus' other hand in his. Hesitantly, he squeezed it but there was no reaction from Remus. His former teacher's skin was unhealthily cold and Harry threw a concerned glance at Sirius. He wanted to ask his godfather whether this was another bad sign, but one look at Sirius' face made him swallow every comment. 

Harry knew that if the situation was different and it was him lying in this hospital bed, Sirius would be sitting beside him if he could, just like he was sitting here right now. Though Harry would never openly admit it, one of his fears upon learning about Sirius' and Remus' relationship had been that Remus' role in Sirius' life would push him aside, now that he had finally found his own kind of family in the person of his godfather.

He had never even thought about what the two men had to be feeling.

Maybe that was why he was so startled to see Sirius cry. His godfather wasn't sobbing openly, but there were tears streaming silently down his face. He was still softly stroking Remus' hair, and this small gesture combined with the look in Sirius' eyes finally made Harry see what he should have realized right from the start. 

Sirius loved Remus. 

It was as simple as that, and still couldn't be more complicated. And Harry feared that he had made it even more complicated than it had already been.

Both Sirius and Harry spun around startled when the infirmary doors were being pushed open rather hastily. Snape stormed into the room and towards Remus' bed, the curtains of which had been left open since Harry and Sirius had arrived. Snape was carrying a goblet, and upon seeing him Madam Pomfrey got up and hurried over towards Remus' bed as well. She gave Harry a stern look.

"Mr. Potter, please leave now."

Harry resolutely shook his head.

"No."

"Mr. Potter!"

The nurse's voice was hard and had the unmistakable tone it took whenever she didn't want to hear any contradiction. Harry threw a pleading glance at Sirius, but his godfather shook his head.

"Harry, this is not going to be pretty."  
"I don't care!"  
Harry didn't even realize that he was fighting a lost argument, acting every bit like the five-year old he never wanted to be treated as.

Sirius got up from his own chair and went over towards Harry.

"Harry, just give Snape and Madam Pomfrey some time and space to administer the potion and see if it takes effect. Twenty minutes, then you can come back, alright?"

Slowly, Harry nodded, realizing that he had lost this fight. Sirius gave him a final squeeze of the shoulder, and Harry turned around and left the room. As the infirmary doors closed behind him, Harry didn't really know where to go now. Gryffindor Tower was empty and Harry didn't really want to be there. He could go to the kitchens, but Dobby was somewhere down in the dungeons and Harry wasn't particular keen on other house-elfs or food right now. After a short moment of thought, Harry went back into the Entrance Hall. He could as well fetch his broom which was still lying in front of the castle doors. Not that he really cared about his Firebolt right now, but it was better than to stand around here in front of the doors and waiting to hear whether Remus would pull through or not.

He reached the castle doors in no time and stepped outside into the cool night air. A breeze was chilling down the temperature noticeably, but after everything that had happened, Harry welcomed it. He picked up his discarded broom from the grass and had already turned back towards the doors when he decided not to go back in just yet. He still had about fifteen minutes left, and knowing Madam Pomfrey he couldn't rely that she'd let him in after twenty minutes, anyway.

So instead of going back into the oppressing stone walls of the castle, Harry turned around and walked down towards the Quidditch pitch. He guessed that walking there and back again would cost him just the amount of time he needed to spend.

When Harry arrived at the pitch, he put his broom into the grass again and slowly walked a around the field one time. If Snape's potion worked, Remus had a chance to survive. Harry might hate his sour professor with all his might, but if he managed to bring Remus back he'd be willing to be nice to the git and do his homework all the time for his remaining years at Hogwarts. If Remus only survived. But if the potion didn't work, or if there was too much silver in Remus' blood...Harry shuddered and bit his lip. If Remus died, Harry swore he'd find Wormtail and do his best to cause him just as much pain as the little traitor had caused Sirius, Remus and him. He had had a family, for fuck's sake. For three weeks, Harry finally had the closest thing he'd ever have resembling a family, and then this little coward came by and destroyed it all. Just like he had destroyed Harry's real family. Just like he had taken away Harry's chance to live with Sirius right from the start after his parents had died. If he now took away Remus as well, Harry didn't know what would happen. Sirius probably wouldn't pull through this, not this time, not again.

When he came back to the entrance of the Quidditch pitch, Harry realized with quite a start that his broom wasn't lying where he had left it anymore. He quickly glanced around. No trace of his Firebolt anywhere.

"Searching for your broom?"

The voice came from his left, and Harry didn't need to look to see whom it belonged to. Wormtail had to be pretty desperate if he dared to enter Hogwarts ground again. The small figure emerged from the shadows beneath the stands, the Firebolt in his right hand.

"Pretty careless to let something as expensive as this just lying around."  
Harry automatically reached for his wand and his blood froze when he realized that it wasn't there anymore. It wasn't in his jeans-pocket anymore. It must have slipped out in the common room and he hadn't realized it. Wormtail saw his movement and grinned.

"Ah, don't say you're not armed? Tsk, tsk, tsk, that's pretty careless. What would your godfather say? First you leave his precious Christmas gift lying around, and then you're not even armed to defend yourself. My, my, what will he say when he loses Remus and you *both*, in one night?"

"You bastard!"   
Those two words carried the extreme extend of Harry's hatred in every syllable, but Wormtail didn't flinch. This was a completely different Wormtail compared to the whining, pleading, pitiful sight of a man Harry had encountered in the Shrieking Shack a year ago. This man was sure he was having the upper hand here, sure that there was nothing Harry could do to defend himself. This arrogance could be the only chance Harry had.

"Mind your language, boy. It's never wise to insult somebody who has a wand trained at your heart. And now, you will come with me."

Harry laughed out loud.

"The hell I will!"  
"Oh, I think you will do exactly that. My master's waiting for you."  
"Then you can tell your master that he'll have to keep on waiting, because I won't come!"  
Harry sounded far more confident than he actually felt. Things were not looking good for him, and he was perfectly aware of that.

"Oh, you *will* come, I'll make sure of that. And even if you continue to refuse following me out of the Hogwarts wards – something I would not advice you to – then believe me that you won't leave this Quidditch stadium alive. It was already bad enough that you escaped earlier this evening, but the Dark Lord simply can't accept that you are still walking freely. We simply can't have that, and after all you are not needed anymore. You've already helped to bring my master back."

Harry swallowed hard against the feelings that threatened to rise up again with an iron grip around his chest. The last time they had met. The night Voldemort had ordered Cedric to be killed. The night he had resurrected himself. Harry had absolutely no intention whatsoever to meet that...that thing again anytime soon. Never again, preferably. And neither did he plan on getting himself killed anytime soon, though unarmed against an opponent with a wand his chances didn't look all that good.

Out of the corner of his eye, Harry saw movement in the dark. Whether it was someone from the castle, or another Death Eater, Harry didn't know, but he didn't have any other choice but to wait and find out. It was not as if he could move away from here, anyway.

Wormtail didn't appear to have seen it, and if he knew who was out there in the shadows then he didn't show it.

"Now do you come with me or do I have to stun you?"  
"I won't go anywhere with you!"

Wormtail laughed again.

"So courageous, so stupid. You don't really have a choice, you know? I'll take you with me to my master. It's been my task to bring you, and if I don't show up with you he'll be very angry. Even angrier than he already is. But I'll make him a present which will definitely pacify him, a present you will certainly like very much. We'll leave a nice little trace when we go, so that your precious godfather can follow it. Because follow he'll surely will as soon as he finds out you're gone. And then my master does not only get to kill the Boy Who Lived, but also the infamous Sirius Black before he can become dangerous for him again. How does that sound, would you like to watch your godfather die a very painful death?"

"You bloody bastard!!!"

Harry didn't know what possessed him at that moment. Anger flared through him as it had never done before, not even when he had met Sirius for the first time and had wanted to kill him. Back then, he had not even known how to kill. Today, Harry knew, but he didn't waste any thoughts on the killing curse. He didn't have a wand anyway. And he didn't really think, as well. The only thing on his mind was the desire to hurt Wormtail, to hurt him as bad as he could and to stop him from hurting others. He had already tried – and maybe even succeeded – to kill Remus tonight, but Harry would be damned if he allowed that little traitor to use him as a bait for Sirius. He'd not allow Sirius to get hurt anymore, not if he could prevent it.

Wormtail didn't seem to have expected Harry to do anything, so he didn't have enough time to aim his wand and think about a spell before Harry's body hit his own. The force behind the impact threw both off their feet, and Harry mindlessly thrashed around and hit, kicked, bit and beat Wormtail as much as he could. The other man was stronger, he couldn't give him the chance to gain the upper hand again.

Wormtail was seemingly stunned by Harry's action and didn't fight back at first. But it didn't take him long to adjust to this new course of events, and after a bit of struggle and a hard blow into Harry's stomach that knocked the air out of the teenager, Wormtail managed to get above Harry and pin him down with his weight.

"Stop struggling you little devil! This won't help you, either. And now, get up!"

He roughly grabbed Harry by the collar of his shirt and pulled him to his feet again, wand trained between Harry's eyes. There was blood oozing out of Wormtail's nose, but he made no movement to wipe it away. His pale eyes were gleaming dangerously in the starlight, and his expression promised nothing good.

"That was a big mistake. And now I've got you and you will come with me, understood? Try to struggle, and you'll be in serious pain before you can say 'Quidditch'."  
Harry tried to knock his elbow into Wormtail's stomach, but the only outcome of this effort was a hard slap into Harry's face.

"Stop that right now!"  
Harry's eyes were watering and the blood was pounding in his ears. There had to be something he could do, for fuck's sake. Something, anything.

Behind Wormtail, the shadows moved again, this time close enough for Harry to see. And what he saw there made his heart beat faster. A distinctly Sirius-shaped person was coming stealthily up towards them from behind. Harry couldn't make out the person's face, but he'd have betted all his money that it was his godfather. He only hoped he was right.

And then everything happened really, really fast. 

Sirius' voice called out to him.

"Harry, duck!"

Wormtail was startled for a moment and Harry managed to get out of his grip and throw himself to the floor. Sirius shouted a curse, but it missed Wormtail by mere inches. The little traitor had managed to dodge it in time. Harry tried to crawl away, towards Sirius and safety, but suddenly a hand clamped tightly around his upper arms and pulled him up to his feet again. Wormtail was panting and looking murderously. 

Harry didn't know what would have happened if Wormtail had just pointed his wand at his throat and told Sirius to stop there and then, but his father's former friend didn't chose to do that. Obviously afraid that he would be no magical match for Sirius, Wormtail tried to pull Harry away from the Quidditch pitch towards the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Harry struggled against his hold, but he could not move properly. From the corner of his eye, he saw Sirius sprint towards them. Wormtail had seen him, too, and suddenly there was a malicious gleam in his eyes.

"Say goodbye to Padfoot, Harry."  
And before Harry could do anything to stop him, Wormtail had grabbed his neck and slammed him with surprising strength against the magically reinforced thick wooden beam that carried the Ravenclaw Quidditch stand. There was a sickening 'crack' as Harry's head made impact, he heard Sirius' voice scream his name, and then everything went black.


	11. Of Second Attemps PLUS Epilogue Septembe...

**Chapter Eleven: Of Second Attempts**

Harry slowly opened his eyes. He had not meant to close them in the first place, but after the blow he had received his head must have had a somewhat different opinion on that matter. Still had, judged from the pounding in his ears and the pulsating pain in his head.

He didn't know how long he had been out cold, but the fact that the last thing he remembered was being at the Quidditch pitch, and now he found himself in a Hogwarts infirmary bed told him that some time seemed to have passed. And somebody seemed to have moved him up here. But who? Sirius?

And then it all came rushing back. Sirius, Wormtail, their fighting, Remus…

Harry sat bolt upright in his bed – a movement he immediately regretted as the world began to spin and his stomach jerked – and looked around the room. Madam Pomfrey was nowhere to be seen, and no other bed seemed to be occupied except from one. The bed next to his own was used, but the only other bed that seemed to be currently in use was on the opposite side of the room. Remus'. The curtains around his bed were closed.

Harry swung his feet out of the bed and tried to stand up. Of course he could have waited for Madam Pomfrey or he could have called for help, but at the moment he didn't have any patience left for waiting. All his thoughts were circling around Sirius and Remus, and he needed to find out what had happened to them. He needed to know what had happened to Sirius and he needed to know if Remus...if Snape's potion had helped, or not. 

Harry was swaying on his feet, and he quickly realized that the journey to the other bed would become more difficult than he had anticipated, but still he refused to call for help.

Putting one foot in front of the other, Harry slowly made his way down the infirmary ward. With his right hand he was holding his balance on the foot boards of the beds he passed.

Crossing the aisle towards the other side of the ward was a bit more complicated, there was nothing for Harry to hold onto. He swayed dangerously and twice he nearly fell, but after some horribly long minutes he had managed it. 

In all the strain of reaching the other bed, Harry had not heard that somebody was talking behind the curtains. Harry carefully glimpsed around.

Sirius was sitting in a chair next to Remus' bed and was talking to him in a low voice. It was the same position he had been sitting in yesterday (had it been yesterday? What time was it, anyway?), one hand holding Remus', the other combing through the sandy brown hair. Harry couldn't understand what Sirius was saying, but it sounded like the same reassuring phrases he had already whispered to him yesterday. Remus eyes were closed and he still looked just like he had done when Harry had first seen him here in the infirmary.

Harry closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, trying to will down the tears that were threatening to fall. It had not worked. Snape's potion seemed to have failed, otherwise Remus would be awake by now, wouldn't he? Remus just *had* to survive this, he couldn't die because of Wormtail. Not him, too. Harry didn't want to believe it, it just couldn't be. Remus had to be alive and well, otherwise…well, otherwise Sirius would be devastated and Harry himself would not be better. 

When he looked back to the two adults, Harry saw Sirius lift himself off his chair, just enough to bend over Remus. He gently pressed his lips down onto the other man's forehead in a kiss. When he sat back in his chair, Harry nearly fell over in surprise. Remus smiled. Remus actually smiled. And a moment later, he lowly whispered something to Sirius. His godfather nodded and whispered back a reply, a slight smile on his face.   
Harry closed his eyes and let out a breath he had been holding for far too long. Remus was awake, had been awake the whole time while Sirius had been talking to him. Remus was awake. That surely meant he'd make it, didn't it? It simply had to.

When he opened his eyes again, he found himself looking into a tired pair of amber orbs. Sirius, following Remus' gaze, looked at Harry and immediately jumped up from his chair. 

"Harry!"

He hurried to his godson's side and put a supporting arm around his waist. With quite some surprise Harry realized that he was shaking badly, nearly collapsing right where he stood. He hadn't even realized just how much his little excursion had strained him.

"Harry, come on over here. Geez, you're freezing!"

Sirius led Harry over towards the chair he had been sitting on, and as he didn't immediately find another one upon looking around, he sat down again and pulled Harry in his lap. Under any other circumstances, Harry would have protested against being held on his godfather's lap like a small child, but right now he didn't particularly care. He had found the two people he had been searching for, and now he was tired and cold. He leaned his head against Sirius' broad chest and sighed deeply and contently.

"You shouldn't be even up yet."

Sirius spread a blanket across Harry and shifted him slightly sideward in his lap so that they both were more comfortable. Slowly, Harry's brain processed that Sirius might want to hear an explanation as to why he had walked down the entire ward without calling for help. But then again, couldn't they have put him in a bed closer to Remus and Sirius?

"I woke up and you were not there. I had to see if you and Remus were alright."

Harry buried his face deeper in Sirius' shirt when he had mumbled those words, and his godfather smoothed a hand through his hair and encouragingly rubbed his back.

"I'm sorry. Madam Pomfrey told me you would be asleep for another couple of hours, otherwise I'd have been sitting with you. Sorry, kiddo."

"'S alright."

Harry's eyes threatened to drop close again, but before he allowed himself to sleep he made the effort of rising his head to look at Remus. The werewolf was smiling at him, and though he was still abnormally pale he looked...more alive than the last time Harry had seen him. Better, at least.

"Alright?"

Actually, Harry had meant to ask this in more than one word, but speech seemed to become more and more difficult as his body started to shut down for sleep. But it didn't matter, Remus had understood him anyway. Remus closed his eyes and nodded, as if collecting enough strength to speak himself.

"Tired, but I'll be alright. You?"  
Harry shrugged.

"Alright, I guess. I don't really know what's wrong, if I'm honest."

He looked up at Sirius and his godfather tried to smile around the grim and concerned look on his face.

"Cracked skull, severe concussion and a nasty bleeding head wound. You gave me quite a scare, lying there motionless in a puddle of blood. That must have cost me about ten years of my life, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't do that repeatedly. I was scared to lose you."

The last words came out as a whisper and when Harry looked up he found that there were tears in Sirius' eyes again. He hugged his godfather tightly around the waist.

"Don't cry."

Even as he mumbled those words, Harry realized that his voice was finally failing and getting more and more sleepy. His eyes dropped close and this time he didn't fight against it, but instead allowed Sirius' steady heartbeat to lull him asleep, still on his godfather's lap. The last thing he was aware of was Sirius' arms tightening their hold on him. Sirius said something and Remus' voice answered, but Harry was too tired to listen.

When he opened his eyes again, Harry found that he had been moved again during his sleep. At some point, Sirius must have shifted him from his lap onto the bed next to Remus'.  
Sirius was sitting on the chair in between, as if he had been unable to decide whether to sit his vigil at Harry's or at Remus' bedside. He was sleeping soundly in what had to be the world's most uncomfortable position. Harry stretched out a hand to wake him and tell him to lay down in a proper bed, but found that he could not reach Sirius without moving out of his bed. And even tough he had crossed the entire ward yesterday (it had been yesterday, hadn't it? How long had he slept, anyway?), Harry didn't feel up to moving one foot out of bed today.

As Harry looked at the bed behind Sirius, he found that Remus was facing him, his eyes open and a smile on his face.

"I tried to as well, but it seems I'm not able to move out of bed, either. How are you doing, Harry?"

Harry shrugged.

"Alright. Just tired. You?"

Remus nodded.

"Better. I guess after this night, he", he gestured at Sirius, "will be the one in need of medical help. Those infirmary chairs are living hell for your back, believe me."

Both of them watched Sirius for long moments with fond smiles on their faces. Finally, it was Remus who broke the silence.

"I'm not going to take him away from you, Harry. I promise I won't take him away from you."

Harry slowly nodded. 

"I know...I think. It's just...I don't know how to say it. Weird. I was so angry with you two – I still am, I think. I don't know, it's all a bit muddled up in my head at the moment."

Harry's eyes got suspiciously watery again, and he was glad that without his glasses he didn't have to see the expression on Remus' face.

"I've finally had it, but now it feels as if it has all been a lie. Nobody ever tells me anything, I always have to find out things accidentally."

Remus nodded.

"I'm sorry, Harry. I really am sorry about what happened that night. I...no, we should have talked to you before we allowed that to happen, but I only hope that one day you'll understand that there are moments when...well, when rational thought is a bit far from your mind.

We definitely hadn't planned on you walking in on us during our first kiss after more than fourteen years, if that's any relief."

Harry frowned.

"First..."

He saw the Remus' shaped blur in front of him nod. Without his glasses, he didn't see the slight blush covering the still extremely pale cheeks.

"Harry, we didn't intentionally lie to you. And neither did we keep things from you intentionally, but the fact that Sirius and I once were more than just good friends was a bit of a sore topic between us. There was too much that needed to be worked out before *we* even knew where we stood." He shrugged. "And well, when we had finally managed to get things clearer...you saw us."

"Oh."

Harry didn't really know what else there was to say. Except from one thing.

"What's going to happen now?"

"That depends on you, Harry."  
Again, Harry frowned.

"On me? Why?"  
"Because Sirius wants you to be happy. *We* want you to be happy. So we'll both do whatever it is that you consider best. I do hope that you'll give Sirius and me a chance to explain all this mess before that, but basically it's your choice."  
Now Harry was confused.

"You mean, if I told Sirius to leave you, he would?"  
Remus laughed.

"Harry, if you told Sirius to jump off the Astronomy Tower he probably would do it if  he thought it'd make you happy. And if you can't stand the thought of the three of us living together under one roof, then the two of you will move in alone."

Harry shook his head in confusion.

"But...but Sirius...I mean, he wouldn't be very happy with that situation, would he?"  
"Harry, Sirius defines his own happiness via yours. I highly doubt that he'd be able to be together with me if you got all homophobic about it."

"That's not the problem, Remus. The problem is...oh gosh, I don't even know it myself. My head's all mushy and I think my brain liquefied over night."  
Remus smiled.

"Let's talk about that when we're both up again and Sirius is awake, alright? There's nothing that needs to be decided just now, and from what I know Poppy will probably keep us in here for another day or even two."  
At this, Harry groaned loudly, the sound immediately waking and alerting Sirius. He was at his godson's side within the fragment of a second.

"Harry, you're all right?"

"Sirius, relax. I'm fine."  
"Your head?"  
"Hurts a bit, but that's nothing." A question formed in Harry's mind. "What happened yesterday, Sirius?"  
His godfather fell back into the chair with a sigh and a suppressed hiss of pain as his backside protested against the uncomfortable arrangement.

"Well, after you left and Snape gave Remus that potion...Madam Pomfrey threw me out of the infirmary. Threatened to sedate me if I didn't leave immediately. She said I was fretting too much, and actually I could not really bear to watch how that potion wracked through Remus' body. I don't like seeing him in pain and I think if I had stayed longer, I'd have strangled Snape to death for making him go through this. 

So instead I went out to search for you. You were not in Gryffindor Tower, and then I remembered that your broom had been lying outside and thought you might have gone outside to get it. 

When I left the castle, I saw you down at the pitch and went to get you. And then I saw Wormtail." Sirius growled lowly.

"Well, you know what happened then, my curse missed and that bastard slammed you against that post. For a moment, when I saw your head roll around like that and all that blood...for a moment I thought you were dead."  
Sirius' voice broke and for a moment he needed to collect himself again.

"I...I don't really know, I just jumped at that filthy little bastard and did my best to kill him with my bare hands. And I would have done it, had not Professor McGonagall pulled me away from him. She stunned the rat before he could transform and get away, and then she brought the three of us up to the castle."  
Harry's eyes grew wide as saucers when he heard that.

"Does that...I mean...does that mean what I think? Wormtail...You're...you're free?"  
Sirius grimaced.

"Not yet. Albus came back immediately and he's at the Ministry now. From what it looks, I'll get a trial, and with Wormtail in custody I guess I'll be officially cleared in a couple of days."

Suddenly, a grin spread across his face.

"You know what that means, don't you? You can finally officially live with me."  
Sirius' eyes were suddenly cast down and his voice a lot lower when he continued.

"That is, if you still want to. I know that the last week was pretty...shitty and that I still owe you a lot of explanations, but please just give me a chance. Give me a chance to explain it all, please Harry."  
The look on Sirius' face pained Harry nearly physically. He had seen how much Sirius had suffered during the past day, and he didn't like seeing him like this at all. He'd rather prefer to have the Sirius of two weeks ago back again, if that was possible. And actually, he didn't have anything against the idea of Remus and Sirius living together. He just hadn't considered the idea before, at least not when he wasn't absolutely pissed off about them. And basically, it wouldn't change that much now, would it? They even had been sharing a room before already.

Harry realized that he was getting all sleepy again.

"Sirius, just let us talk about all that when the trial is over, we're out of Madam Pomfrey's clutches and back home, okay? I guess I've not been very helpful during the past days either, have I?"  
Sirius smiled shyly and shook his head.

"To be honest no. You weren't very cooperative."

"Sorry."  
"Don't start apologizing, Harry. Just see that you're getting better again, we'll talk about it later."  
Harry smiled.

"Yeah, when we're home. We'll just talk it all through, and then it'll be alright again."  
Sleep was close now, Harry realized. His own words were starting to make less sense by the minute. Sirius smiled down at him.

"I just want you to be happy for once."  
Harry tiredly lifted an eye-lid.

"And you think I'm happy to live with you when you're not happy?"  
"Sleep, Harry. We'll talk about it."

Harry nodded and closed his eyes again. He was out cold within moments.

**Epilogue: September 1st**

"Do you really think it was a wise idea of you to come?"  
Harry looked up at his godfather, but Sirius didn't seem to be bothered by all the piercing glares he received. His trial had been slightly less than two weeks before, and even though the bigger part of the wizarding community by now knew of his innocence, he still received stares, whispered comments and glares whenever he left the house. Remus, Harry had come to realize, was constantly keeping an eye on their surroundings, as if he expected someone to try and kill Sirius from behind any moment.

At the moment, the three of them were making their way through King's Cross and towards Platform 9 ¾ where Harry would take the Hogwarts Express. 

It was actually the first year at which Harry was a bit sad to return to Hogwarts. He had spent the past two weeks in Remus' house again, together with Remus and Sirius. Remus had recovered surprisingly quickly from Wormtail's attack, and as soon as he and Harry had been up and well again, they had tried to sort out the mess of the past couple of days. By now, Harry knew nearly the complete story of Sirius' and Remus' relationship and he was convinced that those two had only had all those problems because none of them had ever said out loud what should have been obvious. But when he had told them so, Remus had only grinned knowingly and Sirius had said something like 'just wait till you have your first girlfriend, and *then* we'll talk'. 

Those past two weeks had been different from the beginning of their time together, and also a bit more unnerving. It seemed as if all three of them had been walking around on tip toe, afraid to make a wrong move or to overstep any boundaries. Sirius and Remus had always stayed apart as far as possible whenever Harry was in the room (he didn't really *want* to know how that was like when he wasn't in the room) and they had taken care of that so thoroughly that it had bordered on being funny.

The three of them were still searching for a good middle-ground to move on, and somehow Harry was sorry to leave before they had found it. They'd have to see how it went when he came home for Christmas, but inwardly Harry was convinced that by then he'd be used to the idea of his godfather and his former teacher being a couple.

He had had a long talk with Remus one night, when Sirius had been away with Dumbledore, and after that evening Harry was a bit more at ease when it came to the issue of Sirius and Remus. Remus wasn't his rival, he was an addition to his 'family', and a pretty funny one at that. Now that the tension between Sirius and Remus seemed to have been lifted, Harry really enjoyed their bantering on every occasion that presented itself. Harry liked Remus, he was convinced that they'd get along once this trial period was over. They only had to get used to the changes, that was all. And Harry somehow had to break those news to Ron. He didn't even want to think about that.

Harry, Sirius and Remus crossed the Platform as quick as possible, not reacting to any glance or comment, eyes firmly fixed on the red heads of the Weasley family near the end of the train. They had known about Sirius for a bit longer, and even if they hadn't they surely wouldn't comment as viciously as others did.

"Harry dear, there you are. Hello Remus, Sirius."

Molly's voice was still hesitant at addressing Sirius, but she quickly turned towards Harry and hugged him.

"You're nearly late, I already thought something had happened."

She glared accusingly at Sirius and Remus cleared his throat.

"We had a little...discussion on how to get here. And before you start", he waved at finger at Sirius, "I don't want to hear another word about that blasted motorbike."  
Sirius pretended to pout and pulled Harry aside to say goodbye. 

"Alright, have a good term, Harry. If something happens, go straight to Albus or fire-call me, alright? A letter from time to time would be nice, too. Have fun and try to stay out of serious trouble."  
He gave his godson a hug.

"I love you."  
"Love you, too. Take care, Sirius."  
"I will."  
Harry quickly turned to Remus and gave him a hug as well, then he said goodbye to the Weasleys and climbed into the train alongside Ron. They found an empty compartment and settled in, waving out of the window at their families. Sirius and Remus had stepped back a little so that not all the attention would be focussed on them, but at the moment Harry wondered about something entirely different.

"Where's Hermione?"  
Ron shrugged.

"Late, I guess. But she'd better hurry, that has already been the second whistle. We're about to leave any moment now."  
As if on cue the apartment door flew open and a flushed and panting Hermione came running in. Not a moment too late because at that moment the train started to move and Harry and Ron quickly waved a final goodbye out of the window.

They settled down and waited for Hermione to calm a little so that she could explain.

"Traffic jam." She finally panted. Ron looked utterly confused, but Harry nodded.

Ron just waved her off.

"Harry wasn't much earlier, either. Pity, I had thought we could talk a bit to Sirius and Professor Lupin."  
Hermione suddenly blushed a deep crimson and glanced at Harry. He frowned.

"Hermione, what's wrong?"

"Nothing."  
Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Nothing?"  
Hermione shrugged.

"Well, nothing I should bother about, at least. It's just that...well, I saw them before I jumped on the train."  
Ron shrugged.

"And? I saw them as well. What's so interesting about that?"  
Hermione shook her head.

"No, not like that." Again, she glanced at Harry as if she was debating inwardly whether she was telling too much or whether he already knew. Harry had to hide a grin as he could imagine quite well what she had witnessed. Though Sirius and Remus were surely sad that he had left, they would also appreciate to have some undisturbed time to...get reacquainted.

Hermione finally decided to spill the beans.

"Well, when I saw Sirius and Professor Lupin, they were...kissing."

Hermione blushed an even deeper red and Ron looked positively thunderstruck. Harry now really had to hide a grin.

"Kissing?" That was Ron.

"Harry, I'm sorry if that was something you didn't know about, but I just thought that..."  
"Kissing?" Ron was still processing that piece of information. "But...but they're both...I mean Professor Lupin...and Sirius...does that mean...kissing?"  
Harry sighed. This would take a while to explain. He wondered whether he should send his newly appointed guardian and his former teacher a howler because of public harassment. Now that would surely be fun.

"KISSING?"  
*This* on the other hand...

Harry leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees.

"Actually, it's a rather long story..."

END


End file.
